a week left

I feel like I'm facing an expiration date--a week from today is my thirtieth birthday.

I'm a bit freaked out. It's such a big number, a grown-up number, a mature and sensible number. And in my head I've been fighting against it for awhile now, nonono, I can't possibly be thirty. It's an impossibility; I will never be a real 30 year old!

I know a lot of people in their early thirties. God, even that sounds so painfully adult! But they're perfectly lovely, normal people who I consider to be about my age. And everyone raves about being in their 30s--how relaxed and real and enjoyable they are, unlike the more unstable or capricious twenties.

I've had some amazing adventures in the last ten years--I visited three continents and many states. I worked in AmeriCorps, in offices, and in schools. I moved to New York City on my own and successfully lived independently. I somehow found an amazing boyfriend. I've even made a few friends. In this decade I have grown and matured (I think) and kind of established who I am.

So if all these important things have already happened, what is supposed to happen in this next decade? I mean, I know I won't suddenly turn into someone else, but surely I'm supposed to have some kind of goal? Some kind of five-year plan? Some kind of self-concept combining me and adulthood? It all seems so foreign! I don't even own a pair of galoshes!

Yes, I know this is all so silly and ridiculous. It's just a number and nothing will actually change. But it seems like something *should* change. I wanted to do something symbolic for my significant birthday, but I couldn't think of anything. How appropriate. This date has been looming over my head--I kept wanting to make one of those "things to do before I'm 30" lists, but couldn't be arsed to think of anything. I had wanted to get into a workout routine to get in shape...but that hasn't happened. It's been like two or three weeks since I've made it to the gym.

Here are some things I would like to happen in the next few years: continue traveling to new places; moving somewhere I can imagine living long-term; "settling down" (god, how cliche, but I do have that aforementioned great boyfriend...); getting to work on photography; maybe learning some new skill or something.

I feel like a lot hinges on this year, and I also feel like school is continuing to hamper my personal life. I'm feeling anxious about how this new age will begin and if I do something wrong I will spend the next ten years being lazy and a nobody and I'll live in limbo forever.

Sigh. I'm sorry to ramble so selfishly and inarticulately. It's really been weighing on my mind.