Weekly Funny slash Depressing

I saw this on AprilMay and it cracked me up. Because it's funny and so utterly ridiculous, just like the education system.

No Child Left Behind - Football Version

1. All teams must make the state playoffs and all MUST win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable. If after two years they have not won the championship their footballs and equipment will be taken away UNTIL they do win the championship.

2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time even if they do not have the same conditions or opportunities to practice on their own. NO exceptions will be made for lack of interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities of themselves or of their parents.

ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL!

3. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own, without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren’t interested in football, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don’t like football.

4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in the 4th, 8th, and 11th game. It will create a New Age of Sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimum goals.

If no child gets ahead, then no child gets left behind.

Funny boys

M: How'd you get in here?!
Me: What here?
M: The park. I didn't see you.
Me: Maybe I used magic.
M: You don't have magical powers!
Me: What?!!
M: Well, the only powers I know you have are teaching and charms.


---

Me, hands on hips, surveying the cafeteria as my students line up.
Goofball: Wonder Woman!
A second later
Goofball: Wonder Woman and Superman to save the day! (puts arms up in superhero pose)

---

Goofball: You said something about my mother.
Shorty: No I didn't.
Goofball: Yes you did!
Shorty: No I didn't.
Goofball: Liar! Liar liar pants on fire!
Shorty: [glances down at pants]
Me, laughing: Well, are your pants on fire?
Goofball: Your pants are burning!


---

Me, knitting at my desk during inside recess.
Tall Kid and M rush over.
M: Miss, you know how to knit?
Tall: Of course she knits, she's a mother!
Me and M: What!
Tall: Well, she's a wife.
M: Naww.
Tall: She's got the ring. It's a small diamond, though. (Oh burn! My ring is not on the ring finger; it was a first anniversary present from the boyfriend.)

---

Student: Miss, you're lucky.
Me: Why, because I'm so awesome?
Student: No, because you don't have to wear a uniform.

Funnies

I clicked on a link from Mental Floss to the hilarious Safety Graphics blog and saw this very funny graphic from yet another new favorite site, GraphJam!

9AM You Know the Economy's Bad When History Professors Work at Rite Aid

Woman in line: I want to go somewhere foreign this summer. How about Guam?
Cashier: Actually, Guam is part of the United States.
Woman in line: Ugh, these things change so often. We must have gotten it, like, a year ago, right?
Cashier: Actually, we've owned Guam since the 1800s. It sends a non-voting member to Congress, but they have no elector, so they don't matter for presidential elections.
Woman in line: Oh, thank god.

Rite Aid
Doylestown, Pennsylvania

via Overheard in the Office, Jul 20, 2009

What's that I see?

Oh yes! It's the end of the tunnel! It's in sight!
Yes, folks, today it is finally, actually JUNE.

Which means, ridiculously, that we have a mere four weeks left. Well, four weeks minus one day, after today, of course.

Last week, That Kid made me lose my teacherly composure. He started waving out the window (we're on the top floor). I gave him a "wtf" look. "I'm saying hi to the trees! They're my friends!" Then he gestured toward me, and he shook his head witheringly at the windows and then proceeded to mime an animated conversation. Really, I had to smile. Later he started licking his arm. Another 'wtf' look from me. He said impatiently, "I'm giving myself a bath!" That Kid, indeed.

The week before, when it was really sunny and gorgeous, I put forth an extra ninety seconds of effort and wore my contacts. Halfway through the day, a girl suddenly asked me, "Miss, where are your glasses?" Right on cue, another goes chimes in, "What glasses?"

I wear glasses every day.

BUT! Maybe now that it's JUNE! WOO! I will need those contacts a bit more!

linkydink

The ever-plucky, good-grammarian Moose , yet another of my favorite bloggers, linked to a new project called Grace in Small Things. I really like the idea and will try to participate as a way to keep me more positive and grateful. A million times a day something bothers, irritates, or angers me, and occasionally I think to myself, hm, maybe all that negativity isn't so healthy? This might be a productive way to consciously track the path of my thoughts.

My list for today (still Sunday night since I haven't gone to bed yet):
1. No more Sunday night anxiety about going Back To School.

2. Freshly fried potatoes.

3. Sitting and reading for hours on end, just because.

4. Libraries and FREE BOOKS! (I'm going to visit the library again in the next day or two, even though I haven't finished all the ones I got last time--just because I can! woo!)

5. Frosting right out of the can. Yeah, I said it.

---

I spent several hours (what? i'm unemployed!) reading through Pundit Kitchen. Like 140 pages of it. What?

---

down down down...sad face

up up up, ooh, happy face!
tracking, saving, posting? blog whore face.

---

Miss Cellania linked to this hilarious song parody for the Grammar Nazis in all of us!

tech misc

At the travel expo this spring, I signed up for a free subscription of Plenty Magazine, dedicated to the environment and green living. It includes tips, gifts, and technology updates. In the most recent issue, I read about some free online video games where you learn about endangered species and natural life, by becoming a threatened fish or a wolf in Yellowstone. Also, from one of their 'infographics,' I learned that under the first Bush presidency, 234 animals were added to the Endangered Species list; Clinton's added 512; our 'esteemed' current administration has added a mere 59. In another issue, I was happily surprised to read about CO2 'vacuums' being used by a handful of solid waste facilities.


*


The current Olde Tyme edition of the Onion cracks me the hell up. Some example headlines:

• "M. Webster's New "Dictionary" Shall Burden Us With A TYRANNY of Words.
• "...If is, of Corse, Plain to all Rationnel Foulk that need'd we an Ary for our Diction, the LORD GODD HIM SELF would have design'd us One."
• "Opera Lyrics Blamed In Recent Spate of Regicides."
• "WILL NEW YORK SOMEDAY BE TOO CROWDED FOR FARMING?"
• a last-page 'announcement' referencing Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
• "The Good-Ship Tea Ship has returned from Great-Britain with MORE TEA, thus completing her 47th voyage across the Atlantic Ocean, each time departing with No Tea and porting with Tea Aplenty, tho' We needn't more Tea and are all ready burdened with an Amount of GOD-forsaken Tea so great it is nigh Undrinkable."
• [Please don't sue me, Onion. I love you, but you don't have links to these funny bits on your site.]

*

Speaking of "nigh undrinkable," some of the candidates are so ridiculous that I am seriously questioning the sanity of the American public. Somebody smarter than I linked to this New Yorker article that outlines many important facts about the Presidency, although in parts is definitely partial to one candidate. Still a must-read. (Even though, er, I haven't finished it yet. Google is indeed making us Stoopid.)

*

I'm using Google Reader, because who am I to avoid us all further becoming Google's bitch? It was easy to set up. You just click on Reader at the menu across the top of the page (from gmail). On the lower left, you see "Add Subscription." Simply cut and paste a blog link and voila, you are subscribed! Ms. M clued me in to folders, so you can categorize your chosen reading material (I have blogs, teacher blogs, NYC teacher blogs, funny, newsy). The list shows all the blog names and highlights a name with new posts. If you're me, those new posts will pile up faster than cars on any New York freeway at any time of day, and you will be quickly overwhelmed. I naively subscribed to mammoth-posters like gothamist, seattlest and jezebel, which pushed the new posts up to nearly 1,000. So with a moment of guilt, I unsubscribed from each of those, to make my life easier, not because I don't care about the news, cultural happenings, or strange pictures of celebrities.

*

I bought a Photoshop book today. Oh, the overwhelming choices! Oh, the over-inflated cost! I find it just a leeetle ironic that so many books are published about a computer processing program--but it does make sense. Some things really do need more than a soundbite or a five-minute video on youtube. (Don't think I haven't looked at those either, though.) And most of us will always have real books around--turning pages, flipping between chapters, the unique smell, being able to hold the entire thing in your hands--ebooks hold zero appeal for the many (even those as-yet unidentified) bibliophiles out there.

*

I am so, so sad to report that not only did I NOT find any Fiesta Nacho Cheese (spicy cheese in a can!) at Safeway during my blink-and-you'll-miss-it trip home last weekend, there were no Frosted Joe's O's to be found at the Brooklyn Trader Joe's this morning! I will freely admit to being just a little devastated. (Don't tell.)

*

And in other, strange, TMI news, my BF finally 'gave birth' to an Alien Forehead Baby. Aw.

I laughed so much I cried.

this will make your life better

I promise.

Enjoy. :)



Now go to youtube and find the other episodes. There's even a wordwang!

I Couldn't Make This Up if I Tried

All of my students have always had trouble identifying genres. (Do the rest of you have the same issue?) Right now I'm trying to combat that in several ways, one of which is by assigning writing in different genres. The other night they were supposed to write historical fiction.

Oh, dear.

Take a look at some of their stories. Please shake in laughter rather than shake your head in despair of all the things they don't really know. :)

--A woman named Britney helped slaves. She rescued Rosa Parks and created the Make a Wish Foundation. For all her hard work, she won tickets to the New Jersey Nets basketball games.

--"Long time ago in 1835, World War Two began. But George Bush said "why fight if we could get along". ... George stopped being Mr. nice guy and told them (both) to stop the fighting. If you don't stop I will kill you. George W. Bush said."

The piece de resistance was so 'perfect' that I scanned it for you. Enjoy!

I swear to god, people.

Tee hee.

So AMP mentioned gizoogle.

So I had to try it.

And lo, it was awesome.

http://sites.gizoogle.com/index2.php?url=http%3A%2F%2Fmildlymelancholy.blogspot.com

Two prime examples:

It's not gangsta if you're straight trippin' geography!

Yikes and cant no hood fuck with death rizzow!

Oh holy crap.

I laughed so much tears came to my eyes.

I'm probably a year late seeing this, but oh well. English teachers, enjoy! The Impotence of Proofreading by Taylor Mali.

For a Laugh

According to their tv spot this weekend, Boots as well as Women's Apparel are not available in Hawaii or the DR. Sandals and men's tees all around!

--

From the classroom, kids trying to use words in sentences:

My friend is Fatigue.

I have a cousin who is criticism.

(Taking personification to a whole new level!)

And my personal favorite:

My brother and I love criticism juice.

Ha!

To Err is Hilarious

Some recent student writing bloopers:

--"onomatopoeia birds"

--"I like to verse professionals"

--"Pedestrians laying in hamicks"

--which turned into "People relinquishing in hamicks"

--"I spent my summer in Vag!na."
(I was really proud of myself for keeping a straight face on that one.)

--On today's quiz, they had to identify parts of speech in sentences. One kid added an extra letter which made one of the sentences completely different: "The beige breast crushed its prey."

heh.

oh, those kids.

Me: standing with arms behind my back, waiting sternly for class to line up quietly.

Small K at the front of the line: Miss, you should be a lawyer.

Me, raising an eyebrow: Why, because I've got the suit?

K: No, cause you act like a lawyer.

Me: And how's that?

K: You're...like, serious.

Me, trying not to laugh: ...

J, on the other line: But you're kinda funny too.


That same class later got into a debate about my age, when I was talking about Krakatoa. I said that most of the planet heard or felt the explosion, and one kid pipes up, "Did you hear it?"

I rounded on him and said, "It happened in the 1870s! [Oops, I was off by a decade. My bad. Also, read The Twenty-One Balloons if you haven't. Such a great book!]"

Him: ....

Me: You think I was around in the 1800s?!!

Him: No! You're like, 35.

And then, while I was still standing there at the front of the room looking at them trying not to roll my eyes and giggle while still straining to hear all the voices and opinions--they were totally debating with each other--like, no way! she's not in her thirties! I swear I heard the number 47 at one point. I think small K was saying I have to be in my mid twenties.

Oh man. I kind of like that stuff, even though I'm all stern and have to shush them from that off-topic talk.

Caution!

"You are cautioned that any changes or modifications not expressly approved in this manual could void your authority to operate this equipment."

--'operating instructions' pamphlet for Sony Memory Stick Pro Duo

I think I need to adapt this sign for use in my classroom.

Trying to Forget the Anger by Posting Cute

The beginning of my day was enjoyable: four of my students made it to the school spelling bee, and one of our girls came in third place! Eighth-graders placed first and second, so it's especially impressive. And when she did well, the class cheered and hollered so loudly in support, and it was mostly the boys! It was so sweet that I nearly teared up.

Last week or so, my afternoon class girls entered my room all cackly/giggly: "Miss, we know something about you!!!"
Me: "Okay..."
Girl 1: "You have a boyfriend!"
Girls 1, 2, 3, 4: [squeal and giggle]
Me: [trying not to smile] "And where did you hear this?"
Girl 1: "Ms downstairsteacher told us!"
Girl 2, with a sudden inspiration: "Hey, is it that skinny guy on the fourth floor?"
Girl 4 to Girl 2: "No way, Miss can do way better than that!"
Me: [laughing quietly]

Sometime last month, we were discussing our class book. There was an extended metaphor about a canker sore and a character's dislike of another character. Just to make sure we were all on the same page about understanding this passage, I asked the class, "Who can tell us what a canker sore is?"

And this boy immediately piped up confidently, "A kind of dinosaur!"

I had to cover my face and just laugh. Oh boy, these kids.

Sadly Misinformed

Last weekend, while Boyfriend and I were exploring Old Ironsides, this lady was corralling her tour group. She pointed to somewhere across the way, and called out, "Over there, everyone. We're conjugating in the parking lot. Let's go, come on. Conjugating over there." etc etc.

Boyfriend and I froze, and looked at each other, then burst out laughing.

What made it worse was that her students were mimicking her and making fun of the language. So she goes, "Come on, I'm trying to get you to college with a good vocabulary!"

Boyfriend and I then looked at each other in horror.

Oh, dear.

Notes from Students

From the Hydra Class yesterday:

Dear, Miss ___
Sorry for being rude and disrespectful the speach that you gave us made a lot of sense. We are very sorry for throwing papers, and talking and making all kinds of noises. I hope except this letter you are write we can be excellence!

Sincerely,
[signatures from all the students]

From a kid in the same class who has been making good efforts to turn around, but who's been a bit talky and not-worky the last two days, after I mentioned that I might need to make a 'correction' phone call:

Ms. ____ this is the best class I have because when I walk into your class room I just feel good I don't know why. But to me I think you are the best teacher I have. Ms. ___ I just love EL @ because of you. So that's all I want to tell you and I like your shirt!!

I had to laugh and said, "Nice try! Sucking up doesn't work, but it's entertaining." And another kid calls out to the first one, "Oh man, you stole my technique!"

Weird Children

Last Friday, someone in my afternoon class found a note. It said, "Ms -- has a myspace" Someone read it out loud and the class erupted into "oohs" and "do you really?" I looked at them askance, shook my head, and told them they all needed brain transplants.

Then today, a girl picked up a piece of her old homework, and someone had written, "I love Ms -- she is sexy" Oh, please, eye roll.

Still later today, the same girl found yet another note. I pocketed it and didn't read it until after the class. It said, "ms -- is gangster she got a myspace and she is mad fine". I had to giggle, because now they're just fucking with me. It's pretty funny, though. I suppose it's better than saying I'm ugly and a shitty teacher. Ha.

Oh, and in addition to that, I had a good laugh reading the homework. They were supposed to write a letter to Dr King, telling him whether or not his dream had been achieved. One girl wrote, "We should work for peace on earth, and anxiety." Ha! I'm not sure what word she was going for, but this made it quite funny.