Tuesday, October 30, 2001

It's the Eve of All Hallow's Eve. And since I KNOW that no one is reading or caring, I shall go on in excruciatingly, irritatingly useless detail and not hold back any boring tidbits about the inner workings of my sad little brain!

Tomorrow is Halloween, in case you didn't catch my hip, jokey reference above, or in case you're an anticapitalist, pagan-bitter freak living in a cave. Sigh, don't I wish I were with you. Anyway, that also means that my birthday is two short days away. Now hold on a minute, you don't know what I'm going to say. There's no jumping up and down and frantic party-planning. (Kristin and I were laughing about our mutual opinion that the phrase "birthday party" is universally childish and silly, conjuring images of little kids in funny paper hats and the like. Although I'm always up for pinatas-woo!) I'm actually un-excited about having a birthday so soon. Rather bored, and otherwise unsocial. I don't want presents, I don't want attention, I don't want to see people, I don't want to pretend to be happy, I don't want to do anything. So I know that I will end up sitting in this cold and empty house all fucking day long, not doing a goddamn thing. And I know that that is ultimately the most pathetic thing EVER. Sigh.

In addition, this not-being-employed bit sucks ass. It is nice to stay up late and not worry about getting up early, but it sucks. I have nothing to do and believe me, I do nothing. I'm sending out resumes, but I got sick of filling out stupid application forms and the like about four years ago. And I get to do it some more, for an unknown continuous amount of time! Yippee! I'm thrilled. Especially the part about sending in things for jobs that I really don't want but that sound easy and boring and skill-lacking enough that I could do for a couple months, just to bring in money, and then having to drive all over the freaking county to go to silly pointless interviews, for, let's remember, silly pointless jobs that I DON'T EVEN WANT. That was a really long, grammatically-incorrect sentence. See what this is doing to me? Sigh. I really do hate my life. Oh, don't worry, there are many more reasons than that, and more substantial ones, rest assured. On a more positive note, I was pleased as pie to learn that I do indeed type fast. According to my test today, 60wpm. Go me!

More random, only-interesting-to-me stuff. I've begun listening to Christmas music already. (Perry Como is playing on my stereo at the moment. No, I have absolutely no shame about this, so just shut up, I don't care. You can't make me cool!) It's certainly cold enough for it. It has been raining for the better part of today. Which is kind of cool, it fits my mood perfectly. I am quite enjoying the fall, the changing leaves all over, the crisp weather. It's decisive. I like bundling and it's fun to dig out hats and scarves and gloves. Because I'm so sensitive to the cold, I use them constantly from October through March or so. Again, it's fun, like in a movie. I also am going to pick up some instant spiced cider, (To Kristin=Iced Spiced Chidah), because of its warm fuzzy qualities, emotional and physical.

Oh, my point was that one of my LA lessons was my enjoyment of the phenomenon of seasons. Especially the fall, and especially in Bellingham. I remember being enchanted by the pretty colors and haphazard piles of leaves on the walk down to campus from the Ridge. And that little ridge that sits behind Red Square, just like a movie, always remained a solid block of green. It was truly beautiful. The rain pounding at my window right now reminds of the petulant winter rain-and-windstorms. I felt like something essential was released, listening to the rustling trees, frolicking in the cold, hard breeze. And it seemed to a phenomenon unique to Western, because I suppose that around here, where I've lived forever, the sea isn't close enough, and plus, there are too damn many houses.

I better get used to this frigidity, because in January I'm going to Maryland to serve with Americorps. I am looking forward to it a lot, being the terribly bored, dying-to-get-out person that I've become in the last years. I enjoy looking up words in the dictionary, words that I've heard a lot, and whose general usage I vaguely understand. This evening I looked up "sycophant." My dictionary listed two synonyms: 'Parasite' and 'Toady'. Yes, toady. No, I don't think I get it either. But isn't it interesting and entertaining nonetheless?

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