I'm feeling down this evening.
It started with being responsible and saying no to a fun day with friends that would also cost $40. I like friends and fun, and as a matter of fact, this year has had so much more of both. [This thrills me but also makes me wonder if it's just pity (oh right, her....well, i guess we can invite her this time...), and of course I always expect that they will realize any day now what a loser I am and have nothing more to do with me.] I originally said yes but am backing out now the night before, and that makes me feel guilty and icky and dumb and poor and stupid.
In general it made me frustrated all over again about the fine line of money and other people. I hate thinking about money. I want to hang out with people and have fun, not think about how much I have and trying to calculate the smallest amount I could possibly spend while still participating in the activity (ie, having my cake but not having to pay for it). This is tedious and spiritually exhausting.
But this is going to be my life for the foreseeable future, and I have to suck it up and deal with it. Which I kind of hate.
It's all just depressing.
Then came the cookies.
No, this is not about vomit, it's about actual cookies that literally need to be tossed because they're kind of gross. Last night I mixed up my first batch of cookie dough and I was so excited.
I read that NY Times article this summer about The World's Best Cookie For Food Snobs And Kitchen Know-It-Alls. It said that all the good chefs chill their dough and there was an experiment comparing non-chilled and varied-time-chilled doughs and the longer-chilled dough resulted in the tastiest cookies.
So, since I'm all 'woo hoo check me out in my cooking or baking or whatever phase!', I chilled my cookie dough for a full twenty-four hours.
And the cookies suck.
Which, because I am twelve, means I suck too.
It's too bad that feeling sorry for yourself isn't a job, because I'm great at it and then I would be totally rich.