the other F word

Family.

In many respects, I'm lucky for how I grew up. I always had food, shelter, clothing, and sometimes extras. The early years were pretty lean sometimes, but we never went without.

In other respects, things were tough. My parents divorced when I was 3 1/2 and my brother was less than a year old. The split was not amicable, to make an understatement. There was joint custody, which was no treat for any of us. The following three DECADES have not made things any better; my parents still do not and can not talk to each other. There is still manipulation and guilt-tripping done by both sides. I was around eight years old when I realized that when one parent asked about the other one, it was to glean info that would then be used against that other one, and I had to tell both of them that I was not the post office to pass messages between them. I remember feeling angry and frustrated and sad that the grown-ups were acting so ridiculously. There continued to be a lot of drama and issues for years after that. A lot of unhappiness and stress.

Once I got to college, I was old enough and removed enough to have better relationships with both of my parents (it started in high school, but I was still angsty and teenager-y) and in general things have been pretty good since then. Together (well, not literally--that would imply they worked as a unit), they paid for my college (though I did work for three years to cover books and living expenses)--I have zero student debt, and for that I am extremely lucky and grateful. They are both supportive of the life decisions I've made and have helped me in different ways.

However, the drama still rears its ugly head. That was one huge benefit of living across the country for so long--I could stay away from the nonsense. I could stay in New York or travel for the holidays and not have to hear about how much time I'm spending with one parent versus the other, or carefully schedule holiday days to make it as equal as possible.

I have a photo of myself with both of my parents when I was a baby and they were still together. The next photo of the three of us together is from my college graduation. That photo was maybe a minute of being close to each other, in strained silence, before one parent escaped as quickly as possible.

The biggest issue in the last few years was our wedding. Both of my parents would be there. In the same space. For most of a day. What would happen? How would they act? What kind of drama would occur with all of my family in one place, something that has literally never happened? I worried and fretted and cried about it for pretty much the entire planning time. (Thank god it was only four months. If we'd had a year-long or more engagement like many people, this may have given me an ulcer.) I'm tearing up thinking about it even now.

Happily, and to my huge, huge relief, things were fine. They didn't speak to each other, they stayed out of each other's way, there was no drama. I got a third photo of the three of us together.

There was a lot of worry for that one day, a lot of stress hanging over me for what is supposed to be a magical, wonderful day about me and my new husband.

And now there will be grandchildren. What kind of worry and drama does there promise to be for the next eighteen years?

I hate the way I had to grow up. I hate the fact that I'm still crying about it, as a mature and married thirty-three-year-old. I hate the fact that it's a legitimate worry to have even now--the drama and stress has subsided over the years, but it's very much still there, under the surface. Now that I'm so much geographically closer to them, and seeing them more often, it's not taking much for that bullshit to come back up.

I would not wish this on anyone. I want to avoid this kind of thing for any child, let alone mine. Thinking about the future of holidays, fighting between three sets of grandparents who want to see our kids--it makes me almost sick with dread and sadness and anger. I don't want this! I don't want to have to deal with it! I really, REALLY want to shield our kids from this nonsense. But I don't know how. I don't know how all the grandparents will act or react to our limited time and schedule. I don't know if they'll be more forgiving or more demanding. I just don't want to deal with it. For god's sake, I shouldn't have to deal with it.

I want to remember--and remind them--that Mister M and I and these babies are now my primary family, and will be our focus. Our needs as a unit will have to come first. I am excited about my parents being grandparents--despite all this, I think they will be good at it. I really just want to do whatever it takes to avoid them having to live with the kind of stress and secret-keeping that I have lived with for so many years (yes, even now! I'm an adult and it still hasn't stopped!). I'm not sure if I can make that happen without causing even more problems. Again, it makes me sick. And quite frankly, that is the absolute last thing I need to worry about right now or in the next couple months!

I need to focus on myself, on getting these babies as big as possible, and hope that I'm cooking them properly so they will be healthy when they come out. And then we'll need to figure out life with brand new babies and figure out how to be parents. Those are big enough changes and worries. But the other stuff continues to lurk in the back of my mind. For now, I think we've got a good excuse to bow out of Thanksgiving, and hopefully Christmas too--I can only hope that it won't be much of an issue this year, since everything and everyone will be so new. The pessimistic and realistic part of me says that oh no, there will still be Issues and Drama and Stress and Goddammit.

I don't know what to do except worry and cry. I don't want to do either of those things. To be clear, it's not like I sit around thinking about this all day every day. But it lurks in the back of my mind, and any mention of the holidays brings up at least a little of it, and sometimes I let it out enough to start upsetting me.

Project: baby room

Before: 

Ugly paint color. Sickly yellow green that is reminiscent of baby poo. Kind of dark even in the light of day. Piles of things I've been accumulating.

Corner of my own stuff

Bookshelf with kid/picture books and all my YA books

Ugh, seriously, that paint color!

*

Important intermediate steps: 

Organize everything we bought and were given, into a few clear bins

Put crib together

Pile soft things in crib

Pile bins and other things around the crib in the middle of the room

*

Getting started:

We found a cheap edger tool at Walmart and figured it was worth a try. DUDES, it was so awesome. I've done a lot of painting in my day, and a lot of taping and tedious edgework. This eliminates all of that, for under five bucks. Swipe and bam, edge is done!

My mom was here for two days to help paint and other things. My dad brought down some furniture this afternoon. Mister M's parents sent his old Winnie the Pooh wall hangings. I like how this room became a family affair. :)

*

After:

New, bright paint: Behr Breath of Spring, one gallon

Bins of clothes and supplies on dresser (I bought that dresser back in...2003? 2004? and it's been in storage at my dad's since) (Clothes will be washed and put into dresser, after we try to fix a piece under the top drawer)

Crib holding stuffed animals and blankets (temporarily! unsafe crib environment blah blah)

Two FERLE rugs from IKEA

Wooden rocking chair from the 1970s, and so comfortable

We bought some cute curtains but need the rod/hardware to put them up

The pile of my things are still there (and maybe inside the closet as well...). Will have to figure out what to do with that stuff, but that can wait. 

I am really happy with how it looks, and that it's basically set up and the big stuff is ready to go. We still need to buy a few little things and set up a changing table station on top of the dresser, and figure out where to store supplies.

But what a HUGE difference from before, and that is such a HUGE relief. Yay!

Pinterest pressure

The word "nursery" kind of makes me shudder.

One, because it's so twee and cutesy. Two, because it implies the lot of care, attention, time and money required to create it. Like it requires a Capital Letter N of Importance. That it must have fresh pastel paint, a full set of new matching furniture, a  cute theme. Thoughtfully chosen baby-friendly artwork on walls, and themed toys perched just-so on shelves and surfaces--things like owls, giraffes, flowers, wooden trucks. Practically what Pinterest was invented for.

See?

I do not have a nursery. To be honest, I still stumble on saying the word 'babies' out loud. We do have a room for the...babies. I wasn't even thinking about decorating it or trying to create something cute and pretty and adorable and nursery-y.

And then I realized that I should. That it's something everyone does or is supposed to. This made my heart sink a little--we are trying to be budget-conscious and really, we're not the cutesy type. But then I found myself looking at a friend's nursery pinboard and seeing all the very cute things out there. With dismay. I did create a...baby board, but with the promise to myself that I would not seek out or pin those cutesy, expensive things that I just can't (or don't want to) do. If I had the money, maybe I would.

I decided we had to paint. The bedrooms in our house are all painted different colors, and the baby room is a sickly yellow-green. I found myself envisioning a happy, sea-foam-y green room with all white furniture. With some kind of theme that I could magically come up with. Dammit, Pinterest!

The trim around the window, closet and door is ugly, porous, regulation brown wood. I got an IKEA crib on craigslist (saving us about $40) which is a birch color, and told Mister M that we needed to paint it white. My dad is bringing down some furniture next weekend, including an old white IKEA dresser of mine, plus the beautiful wooden rocking chair that I myself was rocked in as a baby, so it's well over thirty years old. It's kind of a golden color; maybe it's pine? It's shiny and looks practically new, and of course I wouldn't paint it. There is a bookshelf in that room with a bunch of my books on it, but it's black. I thought--very briefly--about painting it or covering it in white paint, before realizing that here lies madness. Again, damn you, Pinterest!

We did buy wall paint, a happy, sea-foam-y green. I'm actually bummed that I can't do any of the painting, because I quite enjoy it, I'm good at it, and Mister M hasn't really done much. My mom is coming next week to help us get stuff ready, so now that will include helping us (well, him) paint. I promised to do the taping, since that's about all I can do.

We have to put together the crib, and I want to sort through all the clothes and gifts we have received and bought. Currently they're in piles, bags and boxes in the baby room. We need a rug--the floor is a kind of fake wood and needs a covering.

So I'm trying to re-set my expectations--we'll get the basics of furniture together, and it will be functional. At some point maybe I'll make it cute.

...I just fell into a thirty-minute rabbit hole of Pinterest browsing! Dammit!

The other thing I want to do is photos. This should not be a surprise if you know even a little bit about me. This will/should be the only time I'll be pregnant, and I would love to have beautiful, professional photos of me and my belly to commemorate it. I haven't done a ton of shots of myself, what with the move and settling in. I could play with some studio-type shots here at home, I suppose, but I don't have a ton of equipment or wrap/clothes. And I can try to set up a few shots of Mister M and me together, but I would rather have someone else do the cute posing of us together in some lovely outdoor location (now that the rains have started, of course).

We don't really have the money for this. However, I am willing to spend my own money for a newborn photo session, since I don't think I'll be physically able to do much photography on my own. (Which will kill me. I'm sure I will try anyway and/or direct Mister M to try and get a few.) And they only ever get bigger, so I know I will want some gorgeous photos of this first phase.

Did I mention that we need a second car? Mine is 14 years old, hardly worth anything, and needs work both big, medium and small (which will all together cost almost as much as the car is 'worth'). For example, the felt interior ceiling is falling down, and the back tires need replacing. We will be looking for a newer but used SUV type car with plenty of room for car seats, stroller, and assorted other crap. These vehicles do not come cheap.

Man, being rich would make life so much easier right now. And so much cuter.

what a difference

People ask me what brought us here and/or why we moved. I usually answer something about a lifestyle change.

Now that we've been here for two weeks, there are some things about this new lifestyle that are pretty great indeed. It's a lot of small things, but the ease of doing so many things is such, such a relief. These things aren't Portland-specific exactly, but we haven't really taken advantage of Portland itself yet.

--The dishwasher! The first couple days we washed all of our dishes in turn. And as you might expect after years of handwashing, they have never been so clean and shiny. (And also sanitized!) Also, I can be a little lazy about dishes, so putting things right into the dishwasher is pretty sweet--it does all the work for us!

--We have to drive everywhere. We were in a super, ridiculously convenient location in Brooklyn and could easily walk to any errand we needed to make. Here, we can't.

--The flipside to that is the garage. Oh holy garage, you are my favorite. It's a designated parking spot, protected from the elements! And there is storage, so much space! On Sunday evening, we made a run to the grocery store. And then we drove right back, pulled into the garage, and brought the groceries right into the kitchen. I could never go anywhere on a Sunday evening in Brooklyn with a car, because as I learned the hard way, it would take 45 minutes to an hour of driving in circles to find a parking spot.

--This was our Brooklyn Costco experience for the last three years: Go only on a Wednesday, because that's the day the car had to be moved anyway, and I wasn't about to move the car on another day in addition, and going on the weekend only makes me homicidal. Drive up to the front of the building and double park. Make 3-5 trips between the car and our lobby, piling our stuff on the front table by the elevators. Once everything was in, put everything into an elevator, and Mister M goes with it upstairs, where he either puts everything in the hallway just outside the elevator, or makes 5 trips between the elevator and our apartment. Meanwhile I go back to the car and look for a parking spot, which could take anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes.

Now? Go to Costco any day of the week (though avoiding weekends is still probably a good idea). Drive home. Park in garage. Take everything inside. The end.


--We haven't done much of it, but being able to do laundry in our very own basement is also pretty fantastic. Any hour of the day, any day of the week, no worrying about machine availability, no counting out quarters, no having to run to the bank to stock up on quarters.

--Bathrooms! Plural! If one is taken, guess what? There are two more! It's amazing! (Partly because I haven't gotten into cleaning all three of them yet...)

--We can play music and use hammers any time of day--no one below/around us to be disturbed by noise!

Leaving New York

We did it. 

 

It's over. 

 We're gone.

Moving day was a loooong day. We got up by 7 to work on some last minute stuff. Movers and POD arrived and got started by 9. They were done between 1230-1. Then we spent two-three hours cleaning up, bringing down trash, recycling, old furniture type stuff. It was probably too much for me, but jeez, I really had no choice, otherwise it would have taken even longer.

I loaded up the car--I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to keep with us, and it was a little too much. We did some photos/video of the empty apartment, and I teared up. Mister M returned our keys. We did a final run to Goodwill and then headed out for good at about530pm.

We drove down the main drag past our building again. "Useless Desire" played on shuffle, and I teared up some more. We'll never live there again; life will never be like this again. I'm sure I'll be back in NYC in the future, but I'll never be a resident, we won't have that amazing apartment and view (top photo), and it will feel different.

I've realized that it still doesn't feel real, that we're not going back. The next two weeks-ish of road trip are this kind of in-between/transition period, which could just as easily be a regular vacation. But at the end we'll be in a new house, and maybe then I'll start really getting used to our new reality. Until then I still seem to tear up thinking about this whole thing.

Firsts of the lasts

The day we left for house-hunting on the West Coast, I had brunch with a friend who's also my former supervisor. We chatted and caught up and rolled our eyes about work BS. When we parted I realized that it is very possible I won't see her again. She moved out of NYC last year (I was jealous!), and I don't know when I'll be back in New York even to visit.

Mister M will be back at least a few times, for work, and for fun (like the New Yorker Festival in early October, I hope!). I, however, will be unable to travel anywhere after our trip. I'm hoping that we can do some road trips in our new area (coastline to the west! mountains to the east! different mountains to the north!), but I have no idea how comfortable or uncomfortable I'll be in a car. Once two babies arrive, I won't be going anywhere at all for quite some time. I figure it'll be at least next fall until we attempt to go somewhere all four of us on a plane.

So this next week is really the end for me. The end of life in New York, the end of this life I've had for the last eight years. I'm tearing up even now, and I'm not exactly sure why. (I could blame hormones, but I've always been a crier.)

This is a big deal. Moving across the country. Changing everything. A really big deal. It's been something I've thought about and talked about and yes, wanted for years. (Which has been obnoxious. I'm sorry.) But the reality is different somehow.

When I left home to come here in 2004, it was an adventure, I had a job sort of waiting for me (NYC Teaching Fellows). I didn't know anyone (the two people I knew both moved away within six months), but it was still kind of exciting and certainly new. Also, I was really freaking busy a lot of the time (which didn't stop me from being lonely most of the time). But I was in constant contact with my mom and dad, and I visited home at least twice that first year. So leaving home wasn't difficult, because I knew I would be back periodically, and that things would change (more and more houses where there used to be fields or forests), but the people would still be there and I would still know them and if all else failed, I could go back and still be okay.

But I came here, made a life here, became a real adult here. Made and lost some friends. Found a career and left it. However, there isn't anything or anyone who will always be here for me if I wanted to visit or come back for good (not like I want to!). Sure, I still know a few people, but the deep bonds I used to have with folks are kind of gone, or the people themselves have left. (For example, I've lost touch with my two favorite school friends from First Middle School; they both moved south, got married and had babies.) There will be nothing here for me anymore. New York City will move on like I was never here. Young people will keep arriving with stars in their eyes and empty wallets. Yuppies will continue bleating about how NYC is such a great place to raise children, as they fight for sidewalk space in their posh neighborhoods and heft strollers up subway stairs and wait years for a preschool waitlist spot.

I've never felt like a New Yorker. New Yorkers are people who love it here, who think this is the best place ever, who want to live here for their foreseeable future. I've always felt temporary and temporal, but I suppose that even I can still feel bereft for leaving the place I've been for the longest period of my adult life.

Maybe I'm scared about such a big change? Nervous--I'm sure I am. In general apparently I'm just plain emotional when I really think about it.

I'm starting to feel those "lasts" piling up around me. The last time I go to book club here, even though we'll keep in touch by email. The last time I see the group of friends that used to be real friends, in a Brooklyn apartment, even though I'll still see them online. The last time I go to the local library. The last time I take a photo of the skyline from our rooftop or the sunset from our window. The last time I wrestle with the shower nozzle switch that gunks up. The last time I drop by the Key Food across the street for something we forgot. Some of these things are stupid, but by virtue of being the last, I want to hold on to them and make them meaningful and deep.



People have been asking if we/I am excited for the move, and I'm sure I will be once it happens and we get out there. I think I'm a little overwhelmed at this reality of packing up our whole lives to leave everything. There are so many piles, so many boxes, so many memories.

I haven't been packing every day, partly because I've been busy with other things (and television), but partly because even the banality of moving hasn't made the shock of moving more real. We were talking late last night about how much we need to have done by when.

Our move out date is next Friday morning. I was saying we could just go out to dinner on Thursday night, since we probably will have packed or tossed most food-related things. That Thursday night will be our last night in New York. EVER. For ever, for real. We will never live here again. Our local places will still be there, but we won't. We can't randomly decide to go to our favorite pizza restaurant in the East Village or get some amazing black cherry mojitos at our favorite Cali-Mex spot in the Village. Those places will stay, but we won't. We'll visit, and we'll return to our old haunts, but things will have changed, and we will have changed, and it will all be so bittersweet.

2012 goals check in

In short, I'm a big failure.

-The big one, exercise twice a week, was more often once a week in reality. Once late April hit, it was more than a month of zero exercise. Well, there was certainly a ton of walking in Europe, but no gym for weeks. I was working every day and took several work trips in addition the vacation trip. Since mid-June I've been better, but still averaging once a week.

-I wanted to bike 100 miles. It wouldn't be tough, either--ten trips of about ten miles each. Easy peasy. But again, the busy and then the pregnant. And now the ridiculous heat, sheesh. So that one's gone for the year. I'll look forward to re-discovering biking in Portland next spring and see if we can get some baby seats for some family rides (I am really excited about that, actually). 

-I wanted to fully fund a Roth IRA contribution. After the new year, having a real salary, I did several large and small contributions but to both tax years. I think combining the two I was pretty close to $5,000, which Mister M says still counts.

-I wanted to drink more water (at least 16 oz a day). I did pretty well, and have been trying to drink more than that. It was a little easier at work, with the water cooler. And now that I'm once again obsessed with lemon water (I like a tablespoon of lemon juice to ten ounces of water), plain water is so boring but I keep running out of lemons.

(PS, do you ever catch yourself realizing what you're complaining about? "Ugh, all this clean water that I get for free from inside my own kitchen is so BORING." "Dude, I'm eating so many lemons that I can't buy them fast enough with all this money I have, from these many grocer establishments in my immediate area!" "It sucks that the clean water I turn on in my shower is so cold at first! I have to let it run unused down the drain so long for it to be warm and comfortable for my precious skin!" First world problems, oh my!)

-I made a reading goal of eighty books and four classics. I'll shatter the first one; I'm already at 65 for the year. And! I've read three classics too so far. First was Peter Pan, for one of my book clubs. It was...kind of weird, but still had the same charm as the Disney cartoon and Hook. Then I found a book that included Call of the Wild and White Fang and devoured those in a few days. I loved them! I'm not sure why, but I really enjoyed reading about the exploits of the wolves/dogs and the wild white north. I was, and still am, kind of bummed that the books are over. I watched the White Fang movie (with the baby-faced Ethan Hawke), and I keep meaning to start re-watching Due South because of the husky.

-Donate blood--nope. My OB took about five vials of it for the first round of testing though, does that count?

-I wanted to visit my grandma once more. Mister M and I went out there just after we got married, two summers ago. She's now 95, and since we (read: I) were already planning to move, it wouldn't be as easy to hop over to Illinois. I just went last week and it was good timing, because a couple months ago she had a bad fall and her health/mental acuity has been deteriorating. So I'm really glad that I made it out there to see her and some other family that I don't see much.

-I wanted to snack smarter and eat at least one piece of fruit a day. That one has only been so-so. I got tired of apples months ago, but have been eating bananas, lots of blueberries and strawberries, and of course, all that fresh lemon juice-yum yum. However...currently there are two packages of cookies in the kitchen. (This is a major anomaly though!!)  And I was thinking about making nacho tots for dinner...

-Organization! I have made a few small strides in that lately (recent bathroom closet clean-out), and I weeded out some clothes and books a couple times this year, but now it's ramped up with the packing process. That's a definite upside to getting ready to move--perfect opportunity to get rid of excess stuff and make sure you keep what's actually important. For example, I gave away the two and a half years' worth of National Geographic and Smithsonian that I'd been saving. Remember that I agonized over getting rid of the first couple years' worth and wanting them to be used for the right reason. Now, obviously, I realize that it is utterly ridiculous to move a big stack of heavy magazines that honestly I never look at after I read them, interesting though they are. So in a way I'm even organizing and decluttering my mind! :)

(Oh, and I've linked to it on Facebook a couple times, but just in case, if you are motivated or want to be about cleaning/decluttering, you should read Unf*ck your Habitat. Big inspiration! Unclutterer is another good one, with a more mature/less cursing kind of feel.)

Well, I guess that overall I haven't failed too badly at most of these things. I really am counting on this pregnant thing to be a valid excuse for some of it, and now losing my job for some others.

one more thing...

As if enough things weren't already going on this year, we're also moving across the country at the end of August.

I have a LOT to say about this, as you can imagine. This has been a long time coming, for those of you longtime readers.

I moved to New York in the summer of 2004 (exactly eight years ago today) to join the NYC Teaching Fellows program. I knew I would be here for two years, and in my second year of teaching (which was by far the best of any of the six years I taught), I definitely wanted to stay for a third year. The fourth year I ended up staying by default, and then I left the public school system. I interviewed at a KIPP school in Austin and would have been happy to accept a job there if they'd offered it. I ended up at a different charter school that kicked my ass, and then the following year taught at another charter school, which ended up being at least partially a disaster.

(Side note: one of my sweet students from that year still keeps in touch; we email back and forth. She is the cutest thing and I want to hug her. She is under so much pressure to do well in school though, and some of the things she writes just breaks my heart.

(Second side note re: great second year teaching: Recently I posted a status on facebook that said, "WHY can't people read?!!! Argh!" And a student from that year, who just graduated from high school (!), replied, "Because they never had English with you."   !!! Could you just die? See how great that year was with kids who turned out like that?? [Not only that, but she is right. If the GROWN ADULTS who I encounter in various ways had had me for an English teacher, they would not be so dumb and bad at reading comprehension!])

Even with all of those extensions, I moved to New York knowing it was temporary. I didn't bring a lot of stuff with me (but good lord have I acquired plenty in my eight years!); it took three years to get a New York drivers license (shhh, don't tell); I never fully mentally 'unpacked', so to speak. Living in a series of apartments, great though some of them were (others shitty enough to balance out), only increased that sense of "I'm only here for a short time." Apartments are very transient to me somehow; even though we've lived in this particular (fantastic) apartment for three years, it doesn't have the same feel of 'home' as a house might.

Plus, as the child of divorced parents and shared custody, I always had two houses, which meant that my stuff (clothes, books, toys, schoolwork, etc) was always split between two places. I often couldn't find things because I didn't know which house it was in, and then there was always the risk that someone moved things around while I was gone. So now that my stuff is crammed into my own apartment but that a bunch of my stuff is also in my dad's barn and my mom's garage...I have this low-level anxiety at the back of my mind. It's pretty far back there; I don't actively stress about it or even think about it often. But when I do think about my belongings, it makes me anxious because I've always been so desperate to have ALL of my things in ONE PLACE. A home, with roots, to settle into.

Mister Melancholy had a sort of idyllic American childhood, in that his parents are still married, they grew up in a small, educated town so they had plenty of happy time playing at school and exploring some nearby nature, the family has lived in the same house for like 25 years now so there are still memories and things stored in the childhood home. So our experiences and outlooks on that are pretty much opposite.

We've had discussions (which usually ended up getting a bit emotional) for years, because I've always wanted to leave New York, and he has never wanted to leave. I was over it when I got here. I lived and worked in eastern Queens for four years and now Brooklyn for four, so I never was in that party-Manhattan-cool-kids scene. New Yorkers and a lot of people who live in New York tend to be in love with New York as the Best City Ever in the World And You're Stupid If You Think Otherwise or Desire to Even Travel Somewhere Else. I quickly learned that I couldn't say I was from Washington, because the only Washington that exists is the capital. [One time even though I said I was from Seattle, the guy goes, "Ah, DC?"  What?!!] Not only do people not seem to know their geography, many of them just haven't been anywhere. Florida and the Caribbean are the exceptions--everyone here goes to one of those two places. But the West Coast? Central America? Europe? No way, what are you talking about, why would you want to go there?


Anywhere you go in New York, anything you do, at any time of day, there will be anywhere from 500-5,000 people with that exact same idea. There are people EVERYWHERE. And while it makes for good people-watching, it makes for a shitty time walking down a sidewalk or getting through a rush hour subway commute. Sure, there are lots of cultural activities to blossom your brain! But no one has the time or energy to do that during the week, what with an actual work week happening. Then you're left with the weekend, which isn't a lot of time, and you have to seriously weigh the coolness of the activity with the doing that cool activity with hordes of other people and how much time that will take. There are great restaurants! Yes, there are! We have a number of them that we love and frequent. But psst, do you know what? There exist great restaurants in other cities too! I know, it's such a shock! Oh, and there's so much nature here in New York, such great parks to get away from the hustle and bustle of the urban life! Yes, there are a handful of big, beautiful parks. But does that really make up for wild nature? What if you wanted to experience real, actual nature from NYC? Well, you'd have to drive for up to an hour, fighting traffic and pay $13 in tolls just to get out of the city limits. Then you can drive another hour up to Bear "Mountain", which is a small hill with a parking lot on top. Or yes, the Poconos are two hours (plus) west, or even the Berkshires, two hours northeast. But don't forget to add an hour of extra traffic time on the way home. Even in the middle of the night, you'll sit bumper to bumper.

So yes, there are a lot of great things about New York. But they aren't necessarily something that you need to live here year-round to exclusively have access to.


Which brings me back to this year, for us. Mister M's been putting me off for a year or two about moving--well, we can't this year, so probably next year. Next year comes: well, it would be tough this year for reason xyz, so probably next year.

The mere idea of lugging a baby and its accoutrements around the subway system has always horrified and exhausted me. Not to mention the cost of daycare and food in this market, the ridiculous preschool sign ups before birth, the fact that apartment living has no immediate greenspace, and the general culture of snooty moms I've heard so much about. And the weather being so extreme for big portions of the year that you need all kinds of gear just to go outside!

Now multiply those costs by TWO. NO FREAKING WAY do I want to deal with the extreme hassle of two tiny babies and New York City!

And no way would it make any kind of sense to move AFTER they arrive. We will have mountains more stuff, plus two more people (albeit very small), and be WAY more tired. No, we need to move now.

The lifestyle in most cities that aren't New York (or other super big ones) are a lot more laid back, plus there is more space, physically, mentally, naturally. I think that's just what we need with the huge change we're embarking on.

Our lease is up at the end of August. We-slash-I ended up settling on Portland, Oregon as our next place to live. It's a few hours from my family, so there will be some support near-ish. It's a new city for both of us, so one of us won't be at a disadvantage. It's a smaller city (much smaller), so it's a lot more affordable. We can afford to rent a three bedroom house! With a garage or driveway! And possibly a yard that I won't be good at maintaining! And a washer/dryer (we hope) and dishwasher! And most importantly, SPACE!

It's ridiculously easy to get around by car. It's got a huge bike culture, which Mister M is/will be/should be excited about (and me too, when I'm back on my feet. Or butt, as it may be). Fewer people means fewer cars means less traffic (and easier parking!), so we can get out of the city quickly and easily. The coast is an hour and a half west; the mountains are a couple hours east (or  north or south). The air is cleaner. There's an NBA team with affordable tickets.There are a ton of great restaurants, whose prices are a lot lower.

Yes, it's really scary to leave our life here. It's really scary to start over where we only know a couple people. We're both nervous about that. But homeostatis is a dumb reason to live in New York forever. The addition of two small and expensive people is a good reason to get out now and settle in for a new kind of life. One in which we won't ever give up on adventures, or even New York, for a visit.

oh yeah...

 (we got a new toaster oven!) 

 (two by two)

and if it's not clear yet...

Careful what you wish for

I meant to write in June--even started a post! only as far as the title, but still--but things were still just too busy.

In May, of course, we had our beautiful Central Europe adventure (which I still owe y'all photos for...), but other than that, I had ONE day off (yes, including weekends) for the entire month. I was so exhausted.

Then at the end of May, we got bad news about the company--it's going under. We had a big event to do in mid-June, which went very well. But since then, nada. This week included my last official day.

So now I have nothing but free time!

I'm bummed that I won't have an income--in only six months I adjusted very quickly to having a regular salary! I must have bought at least 20 books, I think nine in January alone!

But...dude, I love sleeping in. I've been pretty good about finding things to do, though I think that's gonna run out here soon. There are plenty of things to tidy and organize around our apartment, that's for sure!

In fact, on Wednesday I tackled the biggest one: the bathroom closet. There are five shelves, and they were all full of crap. Every once in a while I would go in and organize bits and pieces into bins, but it would quickly devolve back into chaos.

So after a few weeks of deciding to do it but dithering, I finally took the plunge and emptied the entire thing, wiped down the shelves, and went through all of that crap.

It took awhile, but it was easy to throw away or put aside for giveaway a lot of the crap I've been holding on to for no reason at all. Then with a vastly reduced amount of stuff, it was easy to organize better. For example, there's a bin of all medicine-type stuff, a bin of my cleanser stuff, two ziploc bags of travel-sized things, etc.

It feels SO much better--to know that I got rid of a bunch of useless junk that I never used or had almost used up (I guess that was a frugal habit? I thought I might finish it or need it later?), and to see the shelves that are not full, and that are neatly organized. I know where things are, and I made sure to give Mister Melancholy a "tour" of the new and improved closet as well. He was always asking where certain things were in there, which annoyed me. He should know where bandaids and extra soap are! But to be fair, one had to dig around a lot of other crap to find where those things were. So now it's all clear and clean and organized and happy!

(I took a before picture, but a) my memory card ate it and b) it was probably too embarrassing to post anyway!)

Making my list and checking it (more than) twice

Happy vacation, y'all!!

I am so very thrilled to have this week off.

Recently I read this amusing Atlantic article about introverts: and this part struck me:

"Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring. Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge."

I don't think I am a true introvert, as apparently a hallmark of extroverts is their never-ending chatter (which I can often be guilty of), but that quote above hit home. I've often labeled myself as an introvert with extrovertist tendencies, and I think I'm right on.

I don't work eight hour days, but I "work" six days a week. And that tires me, because I want to just sit and be at home. (Because I have those kinds of white girl problems. And also because I am childless, so I have the luxury of feeling "off" when I'm home.) I love watching tv, reading, knitting, just being. I really enjoy hanging out with friends, but even sitting at someone else's house and talking, watching tv, knitting, doesn't feel as relaxing as being at my own home, you know?

All this to say again, I am really excited to have this week off. We'd originally thought of going somewhere warm for the holidays, but everything was too expensive. And thank goodness! For weeks I have been eagerly anticipating this week of nothing!

I did end up covering a shift of babies yesterday, and I guess we don't get New Year's Day off from babies either, so technically I don't have the entire week off. Happily we do get next Monday off. But I had two days off in a row--for maybe the fourth time in six months--and now I get five days off in a row! Five days of as little as possible!!!

Therefore, here, in random order, is my to-do list for the week:
--Sleep in as much as possible
--Go to the gym at least twice (one trip already done!)
--Visit a friend tomorrow for tv, knitting, and some sewing help
--Review my 2011 goals
--Create goals for 2012 (this time with Mister Melancholy's complicit help, instead of me conscripting him into it this year)
--Visit at least one museum (we're planning for two in case we wimp out on one of them)
--Shop for a new couch (we've had the Mister's college futon, and it is old and uncomfortable, not to mention un-grown-up)
--Skype with some friends and family

--Take my bag of donations to Goodwill
--Do some cleaning around the apartment
--Choose and bake a new recipe

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I hope you are having a wonderful time!

on holiday traditions

I love having traditions--things to look back on fondly, and anticipate joyfully. There are so many fun holiday traditions that each family has, and I love hearing about all of them. 

Growing up with a split family, part of my tradition was drama and anxiety. But there were things that parts of my families did that happened often. Because of the split custody, my mom always had us for Christmas eve. We would do presents and everything on Christmas Eve morning, and then in the evening, there was a family gathering. When I was little, it was at my grandparents' house in Seattle, and then when I was older, it moved to an aunt's house. In the evening, we'd leave the party early and go to my dad's. We each chose one present to open that night, then had the big presents and stockings on Christmas morning. We would eat those big cinnamon rolls for breakfast and go to church. Christmas morning was one of the only times I liked going to church, because we got to sing Christmas songs! Later there would be a big dinner and we always had what we called "kids' champagne"--sparkling apple cider. 

What else is neat is that I have two handmade Christmas stockings. My grandma on my dad's side knit every member of the family a stocking, as well as knit everyone a hat and mittens every year. My mom sewed these adorable stockings for all the members of our family, with contrasting colors for the letters of our names. She even scrounged up enough fabric to make one for Mister Melancholy last year! Both of my stockings are at their respective houses, though; it doesn't seem right to take them from home. Also, I wouldn't want to have to choose which one to use, and I figure that as an adult I should figure out a new stocking I make for myself somehow. 

This is my eighth Christmas in New York City. I think I've gone home for one or two of them, but I've also traveled abroad for many of them. Mister Melancholy always went home for Christmas (and a couple years ago I went with him). Last year was our first staying here together for the holidays, and we did that again this year. 

It's fun to start creating our own traditions. There aren't that many, since we're kind of new to it. But they're shaping up nicely. 

1. For the third year in a row, we made a gingerbread house and watching a Christmas movie. For two years, it was from a kit and Love, Actually, respectively. This year, we procrastinated and couldn't find a kit, so we engineered our own out of graham crackers. 

The spread:

We created load-bearing walls and an under-roof to make the house bigger and more stable.

The addition of a ridge made the roof easy.

We used three full batches of royal icing--almost a full batch just to glue the house together!

We added a small square shed in the corner of our "lot." And then proceeded to decorate as much as we could. 

The movie this year ended up being Santa Claus: The Movie. We watched that a ton when I was a kid. It's on Netflix instant now! I cracked up at John Lithgow, who played the villain. He really must have had a great time being evil--he vamps it up, and it's hilarious.

2. This was our second year with a real tree, and we will never go back to a fake only! The real thing just smells too good. Here is our tree on Christmas morning:

3. We decided two days before to make a "Christmas Feast." Not in the way that we'd have a heaping table full of dishes, but in that we'd make real food ourselves, from scratch as much as possible. It was tasty as well as fun!

Mister Melancholy decided to make a Moroccan spiced chicken recipe.

 

We also made rosemary-olive oil roasted potatoes. Yum! And I made a batch of buttermilk biscuits, using our Christmas cookie cutters to make them extra festive.

I whipped up a chocolate mousse dessert (from a box, but still counts.) 

Kids' champagne, but apple-peach. Crisp and refreshing!

Here is our full spread! (Potatoes in the glass dish)

The dessert mousse, in wine glasses, with celebratory bokeh dolphins!

We've never been great about making real meals from scratch, but this one was a success and we will surely make this a special tradition too!

What are your favorite or unique family traditions?

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm thankful for many things this year:
--My husband, who is cute, funny, supportive, and gives great hugs
--My family, who are pretty great people
--My husband's family, who are all very kind and have taken me in as one of their own
--Their kitty, who is very cute and likes me a lot:

--My colleagues, who are fantastic, interesting, and funny people
--Various friends scattered about the country and globe
--My two jobs, for keeping me busy
--The water pressure that got fixed after four months
--Time to sleep in this weekend
--Anyone who still reads this blog!

I hope you are having a good Thanksgiving wherever you are!

dessert

Today was a better day, so to celebrate it let's talk sweets.

Remember those apples we picked? Last month I did get around to making a pie--an apple crumb, to be precise. I bought the crust, chopped the apples, pulsed some stuff in the food processor, and bam, delicious!


We still had a handful of apples left over, so a week or two after the first one, I tried another recipe. This was an apple crisp. It was also delicious!



Almost forgot--made some seasonal sugar cookies for the party last week (bats, trees, and hearts). They were a hit at the office yesterday.



Last and certainly not least, I bought myself a Costco cake for my birthday. :) YUM!

party animal

I made a goal to host two "parties" this year. I kind of hate the word 'party' because in my head, it conjures up:
--a child's birthday party
--popular high school people
--a lot of people
--noise, crowds, dancing

And I do not have (or in the last case, want) any of those things. So "gathering" is a better word, I guess? But that sounds pretentious.

Two Christmases ago, we had a pretty big gathering at our place, and there was like a total of 30 people who came and went over the course of the evening. That was fun and pretty exciting. There was a lot of wine consumed!

I wanted to do one at the end of May with some former colleagues to celebrate spring and the end of t3sting season, but I never got around to it and I was afraid none of them really liked me after all and no one would show up.

I decided to do a little thing for my birthday. I sent out the invites a good month in advance, since it's such a crazy busy time of year. As always, I was worried no one would come, or even worse, that only a couple people would come. It turned out to be 10-12 or so, which was a nice number. It was a pretty quiet evening, but that's kind of standard, I guess. Anyway, it was fun, and there was cake. I really appreciated that some people made it!

One excellent side benefit of having people over is that it forces me to look at our apartment without my blinders on. I gave away a stack of things that had been piled in a corner for weeks. I moved some little things so the edges of floors were clearer. It made our place look so much more streamlined and attractive! I am motivated to continue keeping things as de-cluttered as possible. Which means continue getting rid of and organizing all the crap that I have.

the state of my things

Y'all, I am so poor.

Somehow this summer became the most expensive summer other than the wedding.
I had some two cavities filled (I'm on the husband's insurance, which covered more than half),
I bought some much-needed shoes (three pairs, for work and not),
I bought several train tickets and air tickets for work (which is reimbursed but after I pay the credit card bill),
I got new glasses (I hadn't gotten new frames in SEVEN YEARS, and the whole thing was under $150; I also got new contacts which were covered by insurance),
I spent a lot on our vacation (but the husband spent even more),
I bought clothes at the outlet mall (I now have two new pairs of jeans: I've had the same two pairs for 4 and 7 years, so I think some new ones are well-deserved).

I haven't been able to catch up on my credit card bills--I pay a big chunk, and then somehow I end up charging almost the same amount again. This happened when I first moved to NYC (except even more), and it took a year to get clear of that and get my expenses under control. And that was with an actual salary!

A couple weeks ago was my one-year anniversary at my job. Which is great--I love the people that I work with, the work is interesting and varied. However, I do not have a salary--I'm an hourly consultant, which means I have to pay my own taxes. I'm clearing less than $2000 a month (many months far less)--less than what I made per paycheck that first year teaching. If I were living in NYC by myself on this money...well, I couldn't and I would have moved back to Washington.

Happily, the husband makes real money and we split our shared expenses by percentage rather than by dollar amount. Which leaves some money for my own expenses...which keep outpacing the incoming dollars.

The other day I suddenly thought to myself--wait a minute, I'm making less than $30,000 a year, I'll get a huge refund! I can use that to help pay for an incredible trip I found out about! All my problems will be solved! Then I crashed down to earth and remembered that we're married filing jointly, so my paltry pittance is added to the boy's relatively giant pile of cash. So the government doesn't care how poor I am and they'll be keeping all my tax money after all. I started feeling panicky and seriously depressed about my situation. So far I've just been trying not to think too much about it, and maybe I haven't been strict enough in restraining spending.

Sigh. It sucks. Especially because I wanted to finally get some framing done on things that have been waiting for years. Getting things professionally framed is a very expensive, grown-up thing to do. Hence, I've never done it! I have a beautiful print from Prague (FIVE YEARS AGO) that needs framing, an Aboriginal Australian painting (from four years ago), and we got a little painting in Greece earlier this year too. These have been sitting in corners for YEARS and for pete's sake, it's time to get them up on the walls already! And I was ready to suck it up and just get them done! But holy crap, there's just no money for it after all.

One thing that I am proud of is the clutter-busting. A week or two (or more? I've lost track) I got more work done clearing out some piles. That means, of course, those piles have become giveaway piles, so they're sitting somewhere else. But it's on its way out! I promise!

There is still a lot of work to do. At least decluttering is free.

zzzzz

This past week was busy in the office, then I had a three day business trip, and then more babies today, and I have a very full week ahead. I'm tired. Boo hoo, poor me.

Oh, and the business trip had no time for the beach, AND the hotel hallway would have made for some sweet photos, but there was no time for that either. :/ I did finish up another roll of film though, while at lunch with some colleagues.

I survived my travel nightmare--a flight with neither book nor craft (I forgot them in my checked bag)! Fortunately I had a letter to finish and a laptop with Netflix movies.

On the first flight I started reading The Happiness Project, and I'm really enjoying it. It's inspiring and thought-provoking. (But also kind of depressing in some ways, because I have so much work to do in that area--figuring out good things and working to expand them.)

That is also my 90th book in 2011! I've got a pile of library books plus one for next month's FYA book club. I want to make sure my 100th book is something special, so I might have to plan ahead or plumb my various to-read lists.

Speaking of crafts, I realized that it's mid-October (oh shit, creeping toward end of October already), and last year by this time I'd made a holiday craft-gift list and gotten started. I'm working on a super cozy scarf, but that's not necessarily a gift. So I suppose I need to start thinking about any craft gifts? I have forbidden myself from buying yarn, but the volumes of yarn I do have I don't necessarily love. The challenge then will be to stash-bust intelligently. Hmm.

buzz buzz busy bee

So I meant to write in August why I wouldn't be writing more in August, but things were busy and then it turned into September and more busy and I'm working six days a week and well, I just kept not getting around to the blog.

First, we went to Virginia for what was supposed to be a long weekend.




That was thwarted by the weather, so we came back to NYC for the "hurricane." Since we went by train, we figured it would be better to hunker down back home instead of wait out any track floods/repairs.


That actually ended up being a great weekend. I was at home, all day, for two whole days! Got to hang out with the husband and Ms M, who was staying with us for a bit.


A few days later, I went to Florida for a work trip. First of all, BEACH! But even better, I totally heart everyone I work with. It was a great time--not just the work meetings, but the after-meetings drinks and meals.

Plus, I had a bit of time to walk on the beach!!



Two days after I got back from Florida, we left for a week in Oregon. First, a couple days in Portland:


Then, a couple days in Crater Lake:

The day after we got back, I went back to work. Did I ever mention here the baby photography I started doing in July? I'm working with a company who does newborn photos in hospitals. I worked two days a week in the summer (while working four days at my regular job), but after September started, I do only Sundays (and I'm back to five days at the day job).

So last weekend was extra special--not just the mini trip, but also that I took the weekend off from photos, and then took Columbus Day too. It was wonderful to have time off to relax!

some progress

First, apropos of nothing: here's an adorable kitty we saw today!

We also found a gorgeous, ridiculously cushy sofa...but we're not sure it will fit through the door. With the door on, there's an extra quarter inch of theoretical space. Do you think that will work?

Apropos of the title: a few months ago, I posted about some of my magazines and teacher stuff, how I have too much of it, what to do with it. I did end up posting on freecycle and craigslist. Even though I had a handful of responses, nothing worked out. So the bags continued to sit in the hallway.

A few weeks ago, in a fit of fall-cleaning pique, I re-listed them on craigslist and freecycle. Once again, I got a bunch of responses and then no one actually wrote back after a second email! What is wrong with people? Happily, the last responder, from craigslist, did write back and though it took a few days, they actually picked up the magazines as well as some of the fun stuff (a few workbooks, some BrainQuest, a MadLibs or two, etc).

I was still left with two bags of test prep materials. I kept thinking that someone could use it, and there must be a way to find that someone. Teachers need stuff! Kids need stuff! Etc!

This week, though, I said eff it, it's time for it to go. And off it went to the recycle bin in the sky! (Or technically, the basement.)

Check out how many paperclips were hiding in the piles of all that paper.

This is a big deal, friends. That shit has been hanging around for months! The floors in our hallway and foyer are clear!

Next up is getting a bag of clothes donated and another bag of clothes to the textile donation.

Recently I've realized that it's October (I remember this at least twice a week), and I've been panicking a bit about my year goals. One of them was to do something about my AmeriCorps ed award. This week I've come up with some practical but also potentially AWESOME plans for it. I need to think more and talk to some people, but ooh, exciting! Sometimes I have a really hard time getting out of my head and out of a rut, so forcing myself to do some new things could be an amazing kick in the ass and in life.