Monday, July 23, 2012

believing

We have assorted ultrasound photos tacked to the fridge, along with the most recent referral form, which says at the bottom, "twin gestation".  So most of the time that I do something in the kitchen, my eyes fall on one or some of these items, and whoa.

Pregnant.

Twins.

I'm four and a half months through this thing--halfway, considering that full term for twins is 37 weeks instead of 40--and it still hits me occasionally. The magnitude of the whole thing. The alienness of having new life bumbling around inside, and that there are two of them! TWO. OF. THEM.

We are very lucky in that we get to see at least a quick sonogram at every OB visit. (We go to an office/hospital a couple blocks away, and since Mister Melancholy also works nearby, he can and does come to all the appointments with me.) With a singleton, the OB can use an instrument to just hear the heartbeat to make sure everything is still kicking. But with more than one, you can't pick out discrete beats audibly, so she does a quick sonogram to check visually.

We had an appointment last week, and we saw one of the aliens swallow, and the other alien was having a full-on party, dancing or playing the drums or something. I could see not just the bones, but the lighter gray tissue of its actual limbs all moving around.

GOOD LORD THERE ARE TWO ACTUAL MINIATURE PEOPLE IN THERE.

 It is just so weird. So weird!

And that makes me feel odd. It seems like most pregnancy things I read (and I've definitely been doing my share of reading) talk about their delight and love and feeling all beautiful Mother Earth Goddessy.

This whole thing has been such a surprise that I often feel like it just hasn't sunk in, still. Maybe it's partly because I still occasionally have trouble believing that I'm a grown-up. Maybe it's partly because it hasn't been so physical on the outside (YET), so it's less real because I can't see it. (That is beginning to change--the seeing part, I mean.) Or maybe it's because I was never one of those people who always knew she wanted to be a mother from the age of whatever. (Remember that I helped care for my two much younger siblings, so babies are not exactly mysterious beautiful things for me.)  I'm not sure what it says about me and my future parenting potential if I'm not beaming beatifically all the time at my belly and at the world. Does it mean that since it's so hard to believe this is actually happening, I won't be good at it?

I already worry about these aliens, insomuch as what I am or am not doing for them. Am I cooking them appropriately? Since I don't eat meat or eggs or fish am I doing something bad for their development? Are the vitamins really enough of a substitute? Will they come out okay? (For the record, the first round of chromosomal testing came through all clear. Second round results in a couple weeks.)

I'm a little protective too. I already hate, loathe, abhor cigarette smoke and I wish it would be banned from any kind of public open space. And now that I'm carrying some innocent life that's still building itself, I find that I hate having to walk by smokers even more for polluting the air, my air, the aliens' air.

So at least I'm already looking out for what's best for them. That's good, right?

7 comments:

miss brave said...

I'm 37 weeks and I STILL feel that way. I read baby message boards where women are like,"I'm so in love already!" and I feel like, "...still looks like a blob to me." So you're not alone!

Jules said...

That makes me feel better!! :) Are you on any interesting/helpful boards? I look occasionally at some of the babycenter ones and want to roll my eyes right out of my head because they all seem to be so inane.

Nancy Cavillones said...

My two are out and about but it still seems surreal to me that I carried them inside me. Tonight, Stella was patting my belly and Henry said "you used to be in there!" Stella goes, "Noooooooo," like she can't believe such a thing. I know exactly how she feels!!

Jules said...

Aw, that's adorable! :)

thepresentperfect said...

You're going to be great Julie! And I'm sure with each passing week it will become more and more real :)

Karenina said...

With my first baby, I had horrible dreams a la the movie Alien, and felt that the baby had taken over my systems and remade them to his own liking. Things I used to like and do, I hated or couldn't do them, and I found myself craving things that I normally eat seldom or never (avocados? shrimp?) and reading baby books that all seemed to say the same things over and over. I cried and cried because I didn't feel like me.

When he arrived, I didn't really bond with him for the first few weeks, and had some pretty major depression episodes.

With the second baby, I didn't feel scared or out of control, but I didn't bond with her until she was out. But then, I SO DID!

Now, with the older one at age 2 and the younger one just a few months old, I am completely and utterly in love with them both.

The best advice anyone gave me, though, was this: Anything you are feeling right now is the right feeling. It is okay. Just remember to get help if you start to feel sad and stay that way for weeks, but even then, that feeling is okay and right for you.

Good luck!

Jules said...

@Karenina-thanks, that really does help. :)