Monday, February 23, 2009

inner strength

I need to find it and hold on to it!

Last week I was feeling down and hopeless. A few things started picking up and I had a couple really busy days, with meetings and 'interviews' and whatever else random things.

This week is filling up nicely--tomorrow I will be doing various somethings from 10ish to probably 10ish, including that career fair Schoolgal alerted me to, volunteering, and photographing. On Wednesday, I have another photography gig and then a photography interview. Thursday, I will pick up my rental lens (17-55 f/2.8 Nikon lens--costs almost as much as our rent! weekend rental is really cheap though) and then will be meeting my second shooter at the wedding venue to test lenses and flash, unless a photography gig comes through. Friday night there are two do's I might attend, and Saturday I shoot the wedding!

I didn't leave the apartment today, but I did finally work out. It actually felt really good and for once I'm in that place where I'm looking forward to more. Unfortunately I've not been eating very well (lots of cookies and chocolate) and I have to get better about that. Tonight I had an apple, baked potato, and fruit smoothie for dinner, which is more like it.

I wish I had the luxury to continue random things like this. It's been almost a week since I've dedicated any time to applying for real jobs. I hate that process, but of course I can't give up. I wish I/we had the resources that I didn't have to worry about it. I like freedom, but it seems like too much freedom is weighing me down, overwhelming me and making me lazy. So I need to buckle down and really work at finding work.

It's pretty nerve-wracking to look at the calendar for next month and have zero idea what it will contain. The only thing I know is happening is a weekend trip to Washington, DC for a big ol' flickr meet-up.

Which reminds me, I've been feeling uninspired lately with my personal photography. I see so many talented artists, who every day have another gorgeous, perfectly lit and composed photographic artwork. I'm not jealous of them, more in awe of their talent. But it makes me despair--what on earth do I have to offer anyone? How successful could I possibly be when I don't have that kind of creativity and vision? At the same time, reading wedding photography boards makes me anxious and excited to get out there and see what I can do. If only I knew more people to shoot!

I've gotten some good leads for subbing, and this week I hope to get started with that. Money in the deposit column would make such a difference for my mindset!

On an unrelated note, I would like to announce with happiness that I beat the final level in Katamari this weekend! I hadn't played in weeks and only made it with fifteen seconds to spare. Woo!

This morning, I lay in bed, in the sunshine coming in through the window, and finished reading a book. That's a nice way to start the week.

Hope all you teachers had a good Monday back at school!

Sorry this is so disjointed and LAME. Sorry *I'm* so lame.

3 comments:

sshirm said...

I totally hear you about the "too much freedom" thing... A whole week to write a paper and all I got down was 8 pages. And they suck.

CaliforniaTeacherGuy said...

Well, yes, you are lame--as in wounded. But you're healing, you're on the road to recovery, and soon your lameness will be just a distant memory. You'll be walking around as good as new--maybe even better than new. Enjoy your recovery--and your new life!

Dr. G said...

Hey, I haven't been following you blog and your photo blog all these years because you are a no talent loser. You are unemployed. Been there, done that. How you feel is normal for unemployed. But being unemployed does not diminish you. I couldn't even get a job in a retail store because I was over educated. (They wanted someone dumber?) Keep reading your books, keep knocking on doors. Get prepared to wait it out. You are smart and attractive and you will find something. Patience SJ.