Saturday, February 21, 2004

02/21/04: So I did it, I put in my two weeks yesterday. I was jittery all day long. It's unreal to think about the reality of this. I just keep reminding myself to grit my teeth and DO IT, ALREADY. People around me are being wonderfully supportive, which really helps when I need affirmations.

This morning I went to an acupuncturist. It was an interesting experience. The needles weren't too bad, at worst it was a pinch when one went in. But once in, I didn't feel them. However, after they were in, I was instructed to take a nap for 40 minutes to let them work or whatever. I was wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants rolled up to the knees, and after about ten minutes I started feeling really cold. I felt helpless and hopeless and I started to cry. It was sort of silly, but I really hate being cold, and I had to just lie there, I couldn't move or do anything to get warmer. Then the crying got worse, because I've been so stressed out for the past month straight, with headaches everyday and my neck/back/shoulders has been a solid wall of pain this week. I'm quite possibly premenstrual, but sometimes things just pile up in my head until a small thing makes everything tumble on down. The acupuncturist finally came in to check on me, and I said all tearfully, I'm cold, I'm really cold. She was great, she turned the heater on my feet and put a towel on my torso and warmed my hands with hers. I cried a bit more after that but then I finally started to relax.

My neck/shoulders did feel better after the treatment. The tension was gone and my head felt lighter, or something. Unfortunately, it still feels knotty and full of kinks. I need a friend who is willing to rub my back.

I was so tired the past two days. I didn't sleep as long as I wanted to last night, and just awhile ago I lay down on the floor with a blanket and a pillow and dozed off. It felt pretty nice but I made myself get up so now I'm still groggy.

Weekends hold so much promise for me: time to sleep in, to relax, to do nothing, to do whatever I want, to 'catch up' with whatever I imagine I should be doing with my time. But most of the weekend I spend alone in my apartment, watching tv or reading things on the net, generally wasting my time and feeling lonesome and introspective and melancholy. I went through a period quite recently wherein I convinced myself that people liked me and enjoyed being around me (this isn't meant to sound conceited, it just means that whenever I was in a social situation, my inner monologue wasn't constantly telling me how boring/annoying/dumb/whatever I am, and how much all the other people couldn't wait to get away from me). However, this week apparently marks the end of that. Last weekend I joined a road trip to Vancouver at only two days' notice, and I had a great time. Road trips are great adventures and even though the weather was crap, it was fun to explore a new city. However, as I drove home, I couldn't help thinking that the other six people were breathing a sigh of relief at me finally being gone. Last night I was at a friend's place, with a big group of people I didn't know. That wasn't so much the problem as the noise--at any given time there were at least eight people talking at once. The space wasn't nearly big enough to accomodate that, and I felt completely overwhelmed, aurally and emotionally. I just could not deal with the noise; it was so loud it made me feel I was actually becoming deaf.

So the moral of the story is this?: I am tired and lonely. I can pretend at being all sophisticated and profound, but I'm just tired and lonely. Beyond trite.

No comments: