I am still deep in jetlag recovery, evidenced by the earlier and earlier times that I begin to feel heavily sleepy--9.30, 8.00, 7.30. I've gone to bed at 9.30 the last two nights and have gotten up very early (wide awake by 6 am today), but in the afternoon, I just drag. I feel like I will fall down.
Yesterday's return to school wasn't bad, mostly because of the snow. (By the way, what a disappointment!) I had first and second off, a coverage third, fourth and fifth off, and then taught sixth, seventh, eighth. We did our language warm up and worked on a four square.
Today, though, I had myself a not-good day. I'm sure it's my fault. But that middle class was once again a bunch of rude, obnoxious assholes. At times I have no control, and they literally laugh rudely at my tactics. I feel completely ineffective and just plain pissed off. There are so many kids who willfully do nothing, in class or at home, and purposefully don't control their desire to distract people around them. My calls home, my talks with them, my individual progress sheets--they don't care, they don't change, nothing matters, who cares? I feel like I want to just be done with it, I can't handle it anymore.
And then the afternoon class were also rude and disrespectful. With the jetlag probably intensifying things, but also some thinking about my future, this shit got to me. I made the kids just sit and read for a good hour, and they did, to their credit. But I just sat there, thinking and drifting and tearing up. Why am I doing this? Why do I keep fighting them when it doesn't work? They don't care and it just bothers me. What's the point? I think I don't like my job. I think I need to leave.
This evening, I put on some music on alpha play, like always. Fiona Apple, genius that I love, her song "Get Gone" was playing, and the lyrics just completely fit my day today. Observe, with my adjustments:
Cuz I do know what's good for me-
And I've done what I could for you
But you're not benefiting, and yet I'm sitting
[Tiring] again, [try], [whine] again
How can I deal with this, if [they] won't get with this
[How]'m'I gonna heal from this; [they] won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get [them] out
It's time the truth was out that [they] don't give a
Shit about me
How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I can't breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That I'm much obliged to up and go
I'll idealize, then realize that it's no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
There's nothing left to grieve
Cuz I've done what I could for you, and I do know what's
Good for me and I'm not benefiting,
instead I'm sitting [whining] again, [tiring] again, [done] again