I feel like I'm losing my mind with these decisions I have to make.
I could go work for a small school in Brooklyn. I don't have good vibes about it. I don't want to work there.
Maybe something new would be good for me. Maybe I would make some new friends. It's the same grade and subject, so I would be comfortable while also getting a new perspective. I could finally move in with my BF.
BUT I don't really trust the principal.
So maybe I should stay at my school. I have an fantastic, inspirational EL@ AP who believes in me, and there are some fantastic people in my department. I could reconfigure and tweak my teaching, try some new things (yay workshops), try to be an even better teacher.
I don't trust the principal. Nobody knows what the schedules or programs will be like. There's one person in my grade dept that I CANNOT stand. They're splitting up me and the colleague that have been teaching the same kids for the last four years. Ms Math has been a rock for me--we talk all the time, compare stories about students, laugh about stupid shit, vent about admin nonsense. She is a fantastic teacher. Next year they'll have me with a different teacher, who is nice enough but it just won't be the same. I'd miss my kids. I was looking forward to seeing them in the halls and such.
I can only convince myself of one or the other for about five seconds before my internal debate kicks in (that's the two-headed Janus reference, btw). I literally cannot decide between these options. Or, more precisely, I've made one decision, but I'm scared to eliminate a choice. Wouldn't that be a bad thing, to say no to the one and only new option I have?
Ideally, of course, there would be a third option, one I would be excited about, one that I would be looking forward to. And I'm still applying to some exciting jobs, but as the last six months have taught me, I cannot count on anything actually being offered. It's really hard to stay positive at this point, because I am clearly INSANE.