Tuesday, October 25, 2005

An early winter haiku

Frigid air whistles
through the cracked window, chilling
tiles, my toes, and bones

~

It is one week until my birthday, which seems awfully surreal.

~

Though this year is surely a thousand times better than this time last year, I'm not feeling it. I am decidedly melancholy and full of malaise. After yesterday's frenzy and flurry of activity, I'm rethinking my assurance to Seth that I have normalized and unswung my mood habits. Manic-melancholy, that's me. Maybe I'll have to rename the blog.

Seriously, though, shouldn't I feel better? I have a semblance of social life; I'll have been booked for three weekends in a row. Last Friday, my teacher friend NA called me for drinks; I'm meeting my old camp boss for drinks in the city this Friday; and meeting a small group of teachers, bloggers, and assorted others next weekend to celebrate my twenty-sixth year's dawning.

God, last year was horrible. It could have been a grand gala in honor of my quarter-centennial. Unfortunately, it was ... nothing. Nothing at all. Not a dinner with family. Not drinks with friends. Not the day of. Not the weekend before. Not even the weekend after. Nothing. And it was horrible.

This year is not last year.

I have a few people that I call friends. They are coming to a little gathering for me. I am really happy about that.

At my job, I am well-respected by both my colleagues and superiors. I have been chosen to be part of several schoolwide extracurricular projects...

Shouldn't I feel grateful and fulfilled?

At home, away from teacher-me, I feel...blank. I don't even know how I feel about my job, my life, New York, anything.

I just don't know.

4 comments:

Nancy said...

woooo hoooo part-tay!
LOL. But seriously, I always into a funk around my birthday, start being all introspective and shit. You'll figure it out. I'll buy a drink to help you towards that end. LOL.

your math teacher said...

Bleh! I think it's called the pre-birthday, post first year blehs. I get that a lot.. and it's my 3rd year. I don't think it goes away.

Hey, we're young. I think it's normal.

ms. frizzle said...

this week has been incredibly stressful for pretty much everyone I know. so don't take it personally - hang in there!

Anonymouph said...

I've gotten so, so behind in my blog reading, but I'm always so happy to return to your blog. I'm sorry to hear about your mellow mood. I'm sure you'll come around. If it's any comfort, my 25th birthday (last week) was nothing special either.

I have to second Ms. Frizzle's comment. Two weeks of non-stop stress equal a Mz. Smlph who has no time to blog or breathe. Is it Thanksgiving yet?