the other F word

Family.

In many respects, I'm lucky for how I grew up. I always had food, shelter, clothing, and sometimes extras. The early years were pretty lean sometimes, but we never went without.

In other respects, things were tough. My parents divorced when I was 3 1/2 and my brother was less than a year old. The split was not amicable, to make an understatement. There was joint custody, which was no treat for any of us. The following three DECADES have not made things any better; my parents still do not and can not talk to each other. There is still manipulation and guilt-tripping done by both sides. I was around eight years old when I realized that when one parent asked about the other one, it was to glean info that would then be used against that other one, and I had to tell both of them that I was not the post office to pass messages between them. I remember feeling angry and frustrated and sad that the grown-ups were acting so ridiculously. There continued to be a lot of drama and issues for years after that. A lot of unhappiness and stress.

Once I got to college, I was old enough and removed enough to have better relationships with both of my parents (it started in high school, but I was still angsty and teenager-y) and in general things have been pretty good since then. Together (well, not literally--that would imply they worked as a unit), they paid for my college (though I did work for three years to cover books and living expenses)--I have zero student debt, and for that I am extremely lucky and grateful. They are both supportive of the life decisions I've made and have helped me in different ways.

However, the drama still rears its ugly head. That was one huge benefit of living across the country for so long--I could stay away from the nonsense. I could stay in New York or travel for the holidays and not have to hear about how much time I'm spending with one parent versus the other, or carefully schedule holiday days to make it as equal as possible.

I have a photo of myself with both of my parents when I was a baby and they were still together. The next photo of the three of us together is from my college graduation. That photo was maybe a minute of being close to each other, in strained silence, before one parent escaped as quickly as possible.

The biggest issue in the last few years was our wedding. Both of my parents would be there. In the same space. For most of a day. What would happen? How would they act? What kind of drama would occur with all of my family in one place, something that has literally never happened? I worried and fretted and cried about it for pretty much the entire planning time. (Thank god it was only four months. If we'd had a year-long or more engagement like many people, this may have given me an ulcer.) I'm tearing up thinking about it even now.

Happily, and to my huge, huge relief, things were fine. They didn't speak to each other, they stayed out of each other's way, there was no drama. I got a third photo of the three of us together.

There was a lot of worry for that one day, a lot of stress hanging over me for what is supposed to be a magical, wonderful day about me and my new husband.

And now there will be grandchildren. What kind of worry and drama does there promise to be for the next eighteen years?

I hate the way I had to grow up. I hate the fact that I'm still crying about it, as a mature and married thirty-three-year-old. I hate the fact that it's a legitimate worry to have even now--the drama and stress has subsided over the years, but it's very much still there, under the surface. Now that I'm so much geographically closer to them, and seeing them more often, it's not taking much for that bullshit to come back up.

I would not wish this on anyone. I want to avoid this kind of thing for any child, let alone mine. Thinking about the future of holidays, fighting between three sets of grandparents who want to see our kids--it makes me almost sick with dread and sadness and anger. I don't want this! I don't want to have to deal with it! I really, REALLY want to shield our kids from this nonsense. But I don't know how. I don't know how all the grandparents will act or react to our limited time and schedule. I don't know if they'll be more forgiving or more demanding. I just don't want to deal with it. For god's sake, I shouldn't have to deal with it.

I want to remember--and remind them--that Mister M and I and these babies are now my primary family, and will be our focus. Our needs as a unit will have to come first. I am excited about my parents being grandparents--despite all this, I think they will be good at it. I really just want to do whatever it takes to avoid them having to live with the kind of stress and secret-keeping that I have lived with for so many years (yes, even now! I'm an adult and it still hasn't stopped!). I'm not sure if I can make that happen without causing even more problems. Again, it makes me sick. And quite frankly, that is the absolute last thing I need to worry about right now or in the next couple months!

I need to focus on myself, on getting these babies as big as possible, and hope that I'm cooking them properly so they will be healthy when they come out. And then we'll need to figure out life with brand new babies and figure out how to be parents. Those are big enough changes and worries. But the other stuff continues to lurk in the back of my mind. For now, I think we've got a good excuse to bow out of Thanksgiving, and hopefully Christmas too--I can only hope that it won't be much of an issue this year, since everything and everyone will be so new. The pessimistic and realistic part of me says that oh no, there will still be Issues and Drama and Stress and Goddammit.

I don't know what to do except worry and cry. I don't want to do either of those things. To be clear, it's not like I sit around thinking about this all day every day. But it lurks in the back of my mind, and any mention of the holidays brings up at least a little of it, and sometimes I let it out enough to start upsetting me.

apparently no sometimes doesn't mean no anymore

I dislike politics and news, because it upsets me and I feel there's nothing I can do about it. I dislike writing about it here because a) I'm not terribly articulate; I just get kind of outraged; b) everyone and their mom already does on Real Blogs; and c) sometimes current events seem too temporal for something like a blog. And really, d) no one cares what I think or say.

But this Todd Akin hullabaloo has gotten everyone in a twist, rightly so, and I've been stewing about it, and reading lots of great articles about it. So I figure just for the sake of posterity and keeping a record and trying to sort out my rage-y thoughts. Happily, others have pretty much nailed the things I want to say.

From some actual doctors. You know, with legitimate medical training.

• Statement on Rape and Pregnancy

More ACTUAL SCIENCE about the topic of female reproduction (I really don't understand how a major political party continues to speak about matters of health while being totally, completely, willingly IGNORANT about actual FACTS). 
 

• Here is Some Legitimate Science on Pregnancy and Rape  

"It is not only normal to know multiple sexual assault survivors, it is normal in our culture for women to be afraid of rape and on the defensive around men for gigantic portions of their lives. And so, even for women who have never and will never be raped, it is a fear-inducing, triggering reminder that our safety is never fully in our own hands."

Also, HELLO, DUH:

Just Think No

"“The biological facts are perhaps inconvenient, but whether the egg meets the sperm is a matter of luck or prevention,” says Dr. Paul Blumenthal, a professor of obstetrics and gynecology who directs the Stanford Program for International Reproductive Education and Services. “If wishing that ‘I won’t get pregnant right now’ made it so, we wouldn’t need contraceptives.”

When you wish upon a rape."

"Yet Todd Akin is right. He shouldn’t have to get out of the United States Senate race in Missouri simply for saying what he believes. He reflects a severe stance on abortion that many in his party embrace, including the new vice presidential candidate.

“I talk about one word, one sentence, one day out of place, and, all of a sudden, the entire establishment turns on you,” Representative Akin complained to the conservative radio talk-show host Dana Loesch on Tuesday as he spurned pleas from Mitt Romney and other G.O.P. big shots to abort his bid. He continued: “They just ran for cover at the first sign of any gunfire, and I think we need to rush to the gunfire.”

He’s right again. Other Republicans are trying to cover up their true identity to get elected. Even as party leaders attempted to lock the crazy uncle in the attic in Missouri, they were doing their own crazy thing down in Tampa, Fla., by reiterating language in their platform calling for a no-exceptions Constitutional amendment outlawing abortion, even in cases of rape, incest and threat to the life of the mother."

My friend Moxie puts it all so well:

• No.

"As the Akin story unfolded, however, it became apparent that he does know medical facts. He's just using words to try to change them. "Legitimate" rape doesn't mean anything except that Todd Akin wants to decide for himself if you have the right to your own body, or if it's completely fine that someone raped you. 
...
Make no mistake: This isn't about Todd Akin, or Paul Ryan, "misspeaking." This is about attempting to change the language so that he controls the dialogue and we are disenfranchised. We, all of us, women of all parties and religious thoughts and ways of speaking, our children, and the men who love us."

• Dear Mr. Akin, I Want You to Imagine...by Eve Ensler

(What I wrote on facebook:) The only problem with this is the a man like would never and will never try to imagine the horrors of something like rape. He doesn't care. He must have some female relatives that he cares about, but he wouldn't take a few minutes to think

about it from their perspective, or how he would want to protect them from a terrible experience like that, or how he would want them to have freedom and control OVER THEIR OWN BODIES. And by "he" I don't just mean this clown--I mean all the conservative men that have been trying to legislate, define, restrict, CONTROL what women do with their bodies (or have done to them by men). This is only a glimpse into the reality of the conservative mindset that's been at work for the past two years. Here's a list of current reproductive laws: http://

www.prochoiceamerica.org/

government-and-you/
who-decides/ 

More about that mindset:

• Rep. Todd Akin exposes the horrific immorality of moralism

"And, as his comments about “legitimate rape” demonstrate, Todd Akin has abandoned morality.
Here’s how this works: Moralism seeks to blame all suffering on moral failure. If you are suffering, then you must have done something to deserve such suffering."

And:

• A thank you note for Todd Akin

"I also want to thank him for revealing the contempt and mistrust that lies at the heart of so much anti-choice rhetoric. The contempt for women who have sex for pleasure and accidentally get pregnant. The mistrust of women that feeds the belief that we lie about being raped so we can get abortions, and the mistrust of women that justifies the idea that we don’t know when we’ve been raped and that politicians get to decide that for us.
I want to thank him for demonstrating the complete disregard for women that is necessary for a person to want to ban abortion. Notice that in his response, he mentioned the hypothetical rapist, and the “child,” but he didn’t mention the woman. The woman who has been raped and is now pregnant and will now be forced to give birth to her rapist’s baby because the government says so. Because what she wants isn’t relevant in this situation.

I want to thank Mr. Akin for highlighting the logical inconsistency of being anti-choice and anti-Affordable Care Act. You’ll rail all day long about how Obamacare infringes on the American citizen’s personal freedom to make healthcare decisions, but you’re happy to infringe on an American woman’s personal freedom to make reproductive healthcare decisions? How exactly do you hold both those ideas in your head without your head exploding?"

There are Republican women who are just as disgusted as Democrat women: 

• Dear Todd

 "If you and your pals are so concerned with jobs and the economy then how come there have been over 1100 pieces of anti-women legislation brought up across the country in 2011 and over 900 pieces so far this year and NOT ONE SINGLE TIME has a JOB bill been voted on in the U.S. House! How many times has a vote against women and our right to autonomy been voted on? Oh and by the way didn’t the U.S. House also vote 33 TIMES to repeal the Affordable Care Act?

You and your friends have now attacked every single group of people in this country except the religious right. Do you seriously think that the Republicans are going to be able to win in this country when you marginalize and alienate voters who don’t think like you?"

 Unfortunately, there are also Republican women who not only side with Akin, but believe the garbage he spouts also. I find this depressing and quite frankly gross. It's probably cliche to say that women are selling each other out, but truly, I don't understand how any woman could in good conscience support ideas (let alone laws! How about what Jan Brewer's Arizona is doing?! Good lord!) that hurt women and take away the freedom that generations of women before us have fought so very hard for! 

• Missouri GOP Official Sharon Barnes: Rape Is “God’s Blessing”

UGH.

As always, the Hairpin has fantastic comments:

• HBO Yes, Todd Akin No

 "Little known medical fact: in the case of "legitmate rape" (ie all the correct rape paperwork is filed, in triplicate) a tiny Gandalf appears in the birth canal and waves his tiny wand and yells "YOU SHALL NOT PAAAASSS" to the sperm or "Balrog" in this equation."

Finally, let's end with some more laughter so we stop the angry crying:

• I Misspoke—What I Meant To Say Is 'I Am Dumb As Dog Shit And I Am A Terrible Human Being'

humbug

Look, I enjoy the holiday season. I keep Christmas music on my ipod year-round because I like it so much. (My favorite songs are O Holy Night and Do You Hear What I Hear?)

I was alarmed to see Christmas decorations go up literally the day after Halloween. I saw a Christmas tree at the Atlantic Terminal mall two weeks ago. Gingerbread house kits at Costco several weeks before that! I have a problem with all this jumping forward and extending the consumerism of the Christmas season by the retail industry. It makes me cranky; it just shouldn't be this way.

I'm also kind of alarmed how quickly so many regular people (as opposed to the stores) are jumping into Christmas. The day after Thanksgiving, it seems like everyone started showing off their Christmas trees. I know that technically Christmas season can start after Thanksgiving, and that some people start decorating asap. But this year it seems like all the people. Like everyone's been holding their breath waiting until the first possible moment to hurdle into Christmas. I don't know, it's just weird. It's all too fast! Too much!

We'll put up our fake tree and buy a real one across the street. We'll take out our ornaments, adding special ones from this year to our collection. I'll starting gathering/replacing strands of fairy lights. We'll put out our Advent calendar that has treat boxes. I'll listen to Christmas songs on purpose instead of hearing them occasionally on shuffle. But it will be December when all this happens.

Please don't be offended; I'm a cranky old lady. Who will eventually get into the holiday spirit.

yikes

You might have read the news about a riot in a high school:

http://gothamschools.org/2010/12/09/murry-bergtraum-students-riot-after-bathroom-access-denied/

The story seems to be that after a fight, the principal announced all bathrooms would be closed. In reaction, "hundreds of students began running through the fourth floor hallways at top speed, screaming and shouting."

First, of course the decision to close all the bathrooms is not at all an appropriate one. I don't think anyone will argue with that. The principal will need to think about how to step up consequences for the student body in a logical manner.

Second, I can't see ANY logical reason to 'riot' or join hundreds of your peers running screaming through the halls. That's just mob mentality and it's dangerous.

Third, I experienced something like this quite often at my school last year. Not hundreds, but an entire class (or two) of middle school students consistently ran screaming through our hallway. Like, on an everyday basis. Was anything EVER done about this? No. Occasionally I would attempt to go out there and blow a whistle (sometimes loud noises will stop a group of kids from doing something crazy.)(Several times at lunch, the middle school would start a food fight, and teachers either weren't there or wouldn't do much, so I'd run over and blow my whistle like crazy. It was usually enough to at least get the kids to stop throwing and screaming.), but they would either ignore me, make a rude comment, or nearly run me over.

I hated that my younger kids had to hear that all the time. Whenever it happened, I would try to show my exasperation at that and tell the kids, this is the WRONG way to be--you better not do that! You know better! I had some crazy ass moments with my class, but it was NEVER like that.

Fourth, there are over two hundred comments on the site, mostly from students or teachers in the school. It is ALARMING to read them.

The second comment (not from a student) says, "Another managing fiasco with Leadership Academy fingerprints all over it. Bloomberg’s New York."

STOP IT. That's just ridiculous and I'm tired of people doing this. Anything goes wrong with one person at one school and they just say it's the chancellor's or mayor's fault. It's LAZY. The mayor made sure to hire principals who wanted kids to riot? The chancellor visited the school and encouraged the students to fight for their rights by actually fighting? COME ON.

I'm neither for or against the chancellor or mayor, but I do have the critical thinking skills to assign responsibility to the appropriate person or people. In this case, the school's principal, safety officers, and the students.

Anyway, back to the comments: the majority of them are by kids. For one, some students were just saying that the principal was wrong, but many of them eemed delighted with the disruptance, saying the principal deserved it, and crowed about 'wildin' and promising more riots tomorrow. Just one example: "Lml this skool is live….teachers nd da damn principal is wildin for shutting da bathroom I hope therez a riot every day -_-"

Additionally, there are actual threats: "Yup dam sure we rioted, she has the nerve to say no bathroom because of one fight, she should be dam sure we ain’t kick down her door & throw a bottle at her head"

Also, many of the comments said things like, "you don't know what you're talking about because you weren't there; shut the fuck up." Except spelled worse and more disrespectful.

For two, the spelling (I'd say at least 95% spelled 'principal' wrong, but it went oh so much further than that), grammar, and frequent lack of punctuation is just beyond atrocious. Quite scary, actually.

Look, I taught ten/eleven year olds. They wrote like that. One might say they don't know any better at their age. I did everything I could to help them write coherently, use proper punctuation, and not use abbreviations. But also, they're still kids. They're still learning and I always told them that now is the time to learn those silly mistakes, so that you don't have to make them when you're older.

But high school students still writing like that? I have a problem with that. You really don't know how to spell 'principal'? You really think it's okay to replace all letter Gs with Qs? (By the way what the hell is that about?? This seems to be a new thing--I see it on Facebook too with former students [who are still younger than high school]) You really think you can just omit punctuation altogether, or even worse, just separate all your phrases with ellipses?

This is far beyond being a "grammar nazi" or whatever. I know they're kids and they're not writing in a formal setting, blahblahblah. They're posting in a PUBLIC forum and they show ZERO notice of what they're writing. Completely careless. I can't believe that at their age they don't know any better, or that they're incapable of writing appropriately. They should know better!

Speaking of appropriate, maybe I sound like a cranky old lady, but when CHILDREN are THREATENING their school leaders and promising future violence ON THE INTERNET, there is a PROBLEM somewhere.

It's kind of making my eyes cross, there is so much wrong with it. I can't even articulate everything in my head right now.

I don't know how something like this gets resolved; it sounds like the school was a zoo that day, and after reading the article and knowing how things can escalate with angry kids, I imagine it wasn't much better today. I hope I'm wrong.

I can't help thinking of the future of these kids. How on earth will they fare if they get to college?

"An educator, Denise Pope, a lecturer at Stanford, says that the University of California requires remedial courses of half its students, even though their high school grades were stellar." That's referring to high-achieving students really motivated to get into college. What the hell happens to urban kids who aren't so privileged, whose schools are filled with this kind of ignorance and violence? "Recently released data from ACT shows that only 24 percent of high school seniors knew enough in four subjects — math, reading, science and English — to do college-level work." If that's an average, I'm scared to know how little some kids have to know to pull it down that far. Based on the existing achievement gap, we know that the kids who perform at a low level are much more likely to be kids in a high-needs school or population. It's just sickening that this is still happening. Do kids in privileged suburbs have riots in the hallways and promise to beat up their principal? Do rich kids know how or when to write any better? I don't know.

Kids these days. What are we going to do?

Teaching

I have three more Saturdays to go with my teaching/test prep job.

I am so over it. Have been for at least a month.

When it's time to prepare the vocab quizzes (which everyone fails anyway), I HATE it. I hate it. I don't want to do it and I'm irritated and a little angry that I have to. I don't know why.

Maybe I'm just out of the habit of teaching preparation? Maybe I just hate it because I'm at home and I feel like I shouldn't have to lesson plan at home. I know that sounds wrong, but remember that I would spend many hours at school doing prep so that for the two hours I was at home before bed, I wouldn't do more schoolwork.

Maybe it's just because it feels pointless. Perhaps because it's a short term thing and I don't feel super invested.

Don't get me wrong--I don't hate the kids or the actual teaching that takes place on Saturdays. The first group I have, the older and smaller group, is lovely and I would teach them all day long. The second group, which is larger, younger, and much more rambunctious, is trying but nowhere near the discipline problems I've faced in the past six years of regular classroom teaching. There are between two and four boys who do not stop moving or talking or writing inappropriate things (but relatively tame inappropriate--normal little boy inappropriate goofy stuff), and at least one boy who does absolutely NOTHING, and one to two girls who just write random answers in their work.

Overall, it's tiring in a way, but I don't leave defeated. Quite the opposite; I often feel energized, strangely. Like when I used to have those days where I taught six periods in a row. I got in the groove and all hyped up on adrenaline.

(By the by, I think there's a key difference between teaching six periods and being done before 3pm, and being in a classroom for seven straight hours and then still there for another three or four. That's the difference between a)middle school and elementary school and b)public school and charter schools. God. I'm tired just thinking about it all.)

Anyway, I have to go make up these pointless vocab quizzes now. Which the students will all fail. This school gives teachers the words they want tested, which usually are weird, irrelevant (notable examples include an eradicated disease and a not-famous European city), or too advanced. I am cranky because these kids don't need to pretend to know these words; they need high-frequency words at their level, like adjectives and verbs that take their vocabulary past "pretty" and "courageous." Have I said yet that this is pointless for all parties involved?

Gah. Now I've gotten myself all irritated again AND I still have to go do the things. Dammit.

pride and prejudice

Read at your own risk. This stuff has been rattling around in my head for quite a while, and it turned into a giant rambling mass that i can't even think about going back to edit or organize or clarify any further. you should know by now, faithful readers, that i'm not the most articulate on the block. but you can't deny my passionate ideas. :) so yeah, this post: it's long, it covers all kinds of things, and it's probably all selfish drivel. here it is anyway.

So a post summarizing and linking to my 'being resigned' post sparked quite a debate among commenters over on gothamschools. i think that link was responsible for a tripling of page hits, which i can never complain about.

there are some nuances of the debate that i'm having trouble reconciling. i commented early in the thread, in response to another comment, but i chose not to respond to the further comments.

the debate started about me and my quality of teaching but grew into an interesting tangential discussion about responsibility of learning.

one thing that bothered me was that it didn't seem like any of the commenters had actually read my blog at all, but instead were going on an excerpt from one post and another person's summarization of me and my teaching career. i was unfamiliar with almost all the names of the commenters too, which sort of proved my point to myself. now, i suppose this is a pride issue for me (i can admit to a bit of comment whoredom, like most bloggers, i'm sure--comments and page hits are a boon to the ego).

but the bigger issue is it seemed irresponsible. who are these people to make judgments and comments when they really have no idea of what happened? i'm not trying to be all defensive, i'm just thinking of realistic reporting and knowledge. just because someone posts a blurb about some other event, you think you can pontificate and judge that event when you have done nothing to actually learn about it first hand? It smacks of laziness and quick judgments, and the fact that I was the subject of the judging is only the impetus, I swear. :) it's like those hundreds of people who make derogatory comments on an online news brief. when you've only got a few sentences to read, surely you realize on some level that you're not knowledgeable about the situation. And sure, everyone's entitled to his opinion, but jesus, at that point you really don't even deserve to have an opinion!

Understand I'm not knocking the commenters on that gothamschools post here. (And my earlier point about reading will be proven--I'm betting they'll never see this.) I wish they had taken some time to read and get some more background of the situation.

the events that took place that fateful day (which i have since christened Freedom Day, and put it in my online calendar to observe it annually) were the culmination of five months plus four YEARS. not only is that a lot of blog, it's real life that even the most dedicated reader can never fully understand, because only i lived it. i've written anecdotes, both good and bad, over the years. i've talked about lessons i taught or wanted to teach or funny/stupid/awesome/ridiculous things my kids have said/done/written. i've talked to real life friends and family about my experiences, but even they were never in the classroom with me. i could babble for months and never convey the complete truth. because really, what is truth in a classroom of thirty people and managed by more behind the scenes? each of us in that room has a different reality and perspective. and days i thought were great maybe were bad, maybe days i thought were shite were actually okay. maybe i was a stellar teacher, maybe i was the worst teacher of all time.

my instinct, and probably yours too, is to say that it's somewhere in the middle--that all teachers fluctuate in that middle zone. we've got off days just like everyone else, only our off days are either caused by or forced upon thirty other people (or up to a hundred for us secondary teacher) stuffed in the room with us. teachers don't get to hide in their cubicles or take extra long lunches on bad days, and most of us won't call in sick even when we're actually very ill.

one mention was the school, and that someone could be good at one school but bad at another. and that's a weird phenomenon, don't you think? i mean, sure, each person has her own style and moving to a new workplace is very stressful and awkward. but are the kids really so different? are the schools really so different from each other?

and i was able to clarify this today in an interview (related to schools). my school *was* supposed to be different. it had all these ideals, promises, posters, chants. in the grade i was teaching, those promises and posters had nothing to with the reality. and the fact that all of the staff had the same experience (to varying degrees, naturally)? and that i was the THIRD teacher in this grade to be forced out? what does that tell you about how different that school really was?

sure, i wouldn't have 'been resigned' (my term for unofficially fired) at a public school, not until the end of the year at least. i would have toughed it out, which was my plan (well, that was my plan trumping my 'give up and run away in defeat plan,' that i steadfastly refused to obey), but i wasn't given the opportunity to do so. and that's okay--it's certainly much better for me and my health and well-being.

which brings me to another point i meant to make a couple months ago and now is ever so much more relevant. DC Teacher Chic quit her teaching job suddenly, what, back in November maybe? I hadn't read her blog before, but i saw a linked post on another blog (maybe gothamschools?) and clicked over to read about it. she had written a lengthy post and there were over eighty comments there. in the post she described and summarized the main issues that had contributed to her decision. so many of them were all too familiar--illness, anxiety, insomnia, migraines, but also incompetent and unsupportive administration who didn't control or punish students that bullied and abused teachers. i was never assaulted by a student, thank god (i would have been out of there immediately if i had; i was shocked that she stayed), but i was threatened by and bullied by parents, and admin did nothing about it.

anyway, her post made it clear that she didn't take the decision lightly and that she didn't want it to happen this way, but that it was best for her. almost all of the commenters were very supportive and even congratulated her on getting out of a ridiculous situation. and so of course there was one very loud dissenting voice. the flame-thrower (because s/he kept writing and responding, which the nasty ones always do--why???) insisted that that was a selfish decision, because it left the kids in the lurch. who would be responsible for them now, who would teach them now, what would happen to them now?

those questions have rolled around my head for five years, people. it's why i've never given up. it's why i take as few days off as possible, coming in to teach when i can barely talk or am hacking up phlegm in the middle of my lesson (sorry for the graphic tmi), why i never let the seed of doubt grow into a reality. the fact was and is that in these big cities, kids need teachers, period, and further, they need teachers who don't suck. too many kids in my old school simply didn't have a teacher, or had a teacher who did suck.

BUT. is it really a fair trade when a person's mental and physical health is on the line? who is more important, the kids with the potential futures or the teacher trying to help them achieve that future? the reality is that the two fates are intertwined--if the students are the cause of the teacher's distress, the teacher can't function properly, and that cycles back to affect the students. (as in, if too many students are acting up, and the teacher is trying to manage them but can't because detentions, timeouts, dean visits, parent calls, etc haven't worked, then the students can't learn as much because instruction time is wasted and everyone is frustrated (except for the kids acting up--they feel, rightly, that they 'won').

so is it a fair trade? NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. if a person is working in an office and has an allergic reaction to the wall glue or chair plastic or whatever, do we force them to keep working there, suffering? Please. i'm sure teams of lawyers have made millions fighting against that.
But here's some dude telling a teacher that was successful for something like five or eight years, no, you should keep teaching no matter what. your health and well-being and happiness are secondary.

come on, dude. that is fucked up. seriously. this is what we get for venerating the martyr teacher--the one who sacrifices everything--family, health, time alone to rest and recuperate--in books and movies. people that take this job and keep it do it because we know it's incredibly important, and we all work hard because we know we can never work hard enough, because the work will never be done, because these kids need so much and most of it we can't give them. and some people are willing and able to make those sacrifices and yes, they are inspirational heroes. Are they realistic role models for the legions of young teachers out there? No way! Look at the demographics of charter school teachers, just as an example--young people, the vast majority upper middle class, unmarried and without children. You know why? Because the teachers with families and outside responsibilities (you know, the real world, the one that is causing heartbreak for so many urban children, is a force the rest of us have to deal with too) can't deal with stressful twelve-hour workdays when they face another entire workday at home that night. I can't even imagine being a regular public school teacher with children, let alone a baby or two! I've been tired for five years, and i'm single and childless! Many days I could just barely get through the day on my own, and then usually I could go home and veg out. I can't imagine the stamina and patience that the parent teachers have.

Wait, this was a tangent, what was I trying to get at? Oh yes--priorities. Who really matters the most? Yes, the children matter. That's why I was there, that's why you're there, and that's why I never actually quit, even when my body and brain were begging me to. I would never ever make a decision for another teacher, and I will never ever judge someone for leaving the classroom. If it's not right for you, if it's unhealthy for you, and you make your decision, then I will support that. For two reasons: first, because an unhappy and unhealthy teacher is not a great teacher, and second, because quitting is not at all an easy decision. So if someone is able to make that decision, then it was probably coming anyway and had been thought over and was most likely the right thing to do for all parties.

This wouldn't be a problem if we had more qualified teachers. It's not my job to worry about the eighth-graders at my old school who NEVER HAD AN ENGLISH TEACHER. I can't save them. I can't actually 'save' any of my students, because any problems are so much bigger than my forty-five or ninety minutes with them a day. I always wanted to do my best, I always wanted to help them, and it breaks my heart that some of these kids can't get what they need--from their peers, the school, their parents, the community. I have to remember my place and my limitations (of time, money, patience, energy, knowledge, etc).

So. Was I a bad teacher? No. In fact, the number of times I despaired over being a bad or ineffective teacher tells you (and me, in my conscience) that I couldn't have actually been one. And I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but the fact that I worried about whether I was doing a good job meant that I was putting a lot of effort and heart into the job. Does that make sense in reality? I'm not sure. But I think a truly ineffective teacher wouldn't think about all the things that need to change and try new things and continue engaging students in thoughtful discussions or activities in and out of the classroom. My principal this year called me tenacious, way back in the fall when I was still crying all the time but I wasn't giving up on my standards or my job. I took it seriously and I worked my butt off. Did it work? Eh, I have no idea. But honestly, I felt that way all the time in past years--I always looked back and despaired, oh god, have my kids learned ANYTHING this year?! even when their evaluations listed the things they learned and explained how I was a hard teacher but explained things to them so they could learn it.

Those little things can motivate us again after a hard day or a difficult week or an impossible month. I think I got trapped in my negativity at times (which one of my supervisors correctly called me on and tried to encourage me to think about the part of the day that worked)(which when it was only a minute or two, out of twelve hours, was hard to take seriously) and other times I doggedly pushed forward, always thinking of new things to try, or possible strategies, games, lessons, talks with disruptive students. Is it fair to expect a teacher to be perfect every second of the day? I say no, but maybe that's because I'm highly imperfect. :) Teachers are human, we have needs, we have minds. You can't judge me (or DC Teacher Chic, or anyone else) because you haven't been in my shoes, you haven't been in my mind (lucky you). You may have read my blog (thank you!), but remember, even that's only snippets when I choose or remember to share.

Good god, I think I've been typing solidly for an hour or more. My elbows hurt. Is that a thing, blog elbow? Sorry this has been so very long and rambling--I went back earlier to add a 'warning' at the top. If you made it all the way through it, phew, that was rough, hope you weren't too confused/traumatized/enraged/disgusted/surprised/weirded out. Cheers. :)

Woohoo!

Just kidding.

I've had a super shitty week. It started last week when my car got towed. Who doesn't want to spend the entire afternoon stuck in the slowest-moving line of all time in a cheap city trailer?

Oh, and a bonus? They broke my bumper! Sweet! It's hanging down on one side and scrapes against the ground. I am officially ghetto.

I got sick again, have had a very sore throat and have used up approximately five bajillion kleenex.

The first two days of this week were truly awful with the Debaters; I could not teach. They would not shut up. They were really frustrated too, but not enough to fix themselves.

I lost my metrocard. It disappeared from a zippered pouch on the front of my purse. I really hope it fell out somewhere and wasn't stolen. There was at least fifteen dollars on the card, and there was also $21 in cash folded in the little thingy I keep the card in.

I haven't slept through the night all week.

My to-do list is growing and nothing is getting accomplished (my eyebrows are a jungle, for example)

I had to stay at school until 8 tonight (yes, had to), AND got zero work done.

I saved the best for last--I'm getting demoted!

Yeah. Told you.
It'll start after the break. Not sure what exactly will happen, but I'm not surprised.

I will say that a couple classes have actually gone really well. The Hedgehogs have been amazing (well, some of them). We had an incredible, thoughtful, articulate discussion for TWO days! The Moles also had one good day of discussion.

Also, someone told me today that I'm someone's favorite teacher, and he talks about me all the time. Wow.

Three more school days, three more school days, three more school days...

A bunch of interesting things I could write about

...But I'm not gonna.

Instead, I will try to articulate something that's been irritating me for awhile now. I was in my old neighborhood, had a few minutes, and decided to check out Ann Taylor Loft. In the sale section, I picked out some trousers and tops to try on.

And none of them fit! But here's the stupid thing--they were all too big!

No, I'm not complaining, exactly. But the sizing of clothes has really gotten out of hand--I'm beginning to think it's all an outright lie. See, in high school I was a size 7/8, in college a 10. When I moved to New York, within a year I was back to 8, and then a 6. A six! I hadn't fit into one of those since I was maybe in early high school. I figured that even though I hadn't lost weight or inches, I had started walking around more, and maybe that was the reason. But still, two full sizes seemed a little extreme. Anyway, so for the last four years, I've worn 6s in trousers and dresses, and sometimes small tops.

Now, my body hasn't changed that much in the last fifteen years. I'm 5'7" and a half ish, I weigh between 140-150--I'm not a tiny girl. A six sounds like it should be for tiny, tidy girls. My belly is not flat; my inner and outer thighs are not toned; my chest is not small. I've worked out exactly two times in the last three-plus months, and I've not at all been eating healthfully. And today, the size six was TOO BIG! I bought two pairs of size four trousers! What the hell?? Don't lie to me, fashion industry! A person with 38-inch hips should not wear a size FOUR!

DUDE.

Anyone who is faint of heart, click elsewhere. Anyone who doesn't like swearing, avert your eyes. Anyone who believes children are innocent and beautiful and can do no wrong, for god's sake, get real!

Sometime last week, the lock we placed on the bookroom door was removed. Not even broken or mangled; it just wasn't there anymore. AND another teacher caught some kids going into the bookroom and stealing books. And at point, not sure if it was those same boys or not, but someone trashed the book room. MY book room.

I'm mad. I'm so mad it's gone past mad, into rage, disbelief, defeat. I almost feel violated.

Look at this! Who the fuck do these kids think they are? How do they decide that is an okay thing to do? What the hell were they doing there anyway? The whole staircase is supposed to be completely off-limits to students. So how did they make it down there, make a big fucking mess, and escape without anyone noticing or doing something about it? Where the hell are the goddamned school safety agents?!

It was disgusting. That white stuff was an almost-new box of kleenex that these assholes decided to take out of the box and toss around. The other shit, basically they just shoved things off of shelves. Low shelves and high shelves.

Parts of two shelves were tossed, plus a cabinet opened and things tossed out.

It took an hour and a half to do all this. It was practically like starting over, a year ago.

Seriously. So disgusting!

I tell you, when I come down with some kind of cancer or lung disease, we'll all know why.

PS--I finally figured out how to get more than one flickr photo in a blog post! I'm so pleased and excited. Ooh, the possibilities that are in store for you lucky readers. :)
For anyone else who wants to do this, you go to "all sizes" and choose a size (small or medium), copy the html code and then paste it into the blogger template. Et voila!
If everyone else already knew that, pardon me for being slow. :)

For Shame!

I saw on a random blog today that this is Blog Against Racism week.

Oh, the irony.

Now, I've only been in New York since 2004, but it didn't take me long to figure out that the Post and Daily News were disgustingly sensationalistic excuses for newspapers. But apparently I underestimated them--the Post is also openly racist. Not surprised? Yeah, me neither. Still disgusted? Yep, me too.

I'm not the most informed of citizens (too much of the news is sensationalized, silly [Lohan and Hilton escapades?], or too upsetting [our President?]), and I'm not the most articulate writer, so I apologize for my bumbling efforts, but even I can't ignore this.

The Post has published two very racist, name-calling articles about the woman trying to open the Khalil Gibran school in Brooklyn.

"Almontaser, a community activist and Muslim, has said the new grade 6-12 public school will be modeled on other dual-language city schools and have no religious component."

"Intifada is a war. Isn't that what Arafat had?" said Pamela Hall, a Manhattan mom opposed to the academy on the grounds that it violates separation of church and state."

So many things wrong in just these two sentences. First, calling her a community activist but then basically qualifying it by referencing her religion and cultural background? This reporter has taken an innocent direct quote from Almontaser, but by invoking Muslim as basically a racial epithet, implies that she cannot be trusted and is wrong or lying.

For who is a better judge and expert on Middle East troubles than narrow-minded Manhattan moms who clearly can't read?

So naturally, the next step is to actually call the educator and activist the 'Intifada Principal.' Read on into the article, and the controversial t-shirts,

"were being sold by an Arab activist group headquartered in the same storefront as a Yemeni-American association that Almontaser heads."

So what exactly did she do to 'earn' this slur? Merely be of Middle-Eastern descent and work NEAR another Middle-Eastern group. Propinquity now determines guilt?

An established educator has been working for years to get this school going, a school that would TEACH future generations about different and foreign cultures and ways of thinking (has that reporter ever even read any Khalil Gibran? Read before you throw stones, please), which, one hopes, would help those future generations to be more accepting and open-minded; instead, the racism she's trying to overcome is thrown right back in her face.

I am literally trembling with anger and disgust. These stories make me sick to my stomach.

SHAME on you, NYPost. SHAME on you, anyone who fell for this racist claptrap.

Something needs to be done about this all-too-pervasive attitude, in New York City and in the United States in general. You know what's 'revolting,' Post? Your small-minded tabloid attitude and its 'tenuous' grasp of ethics and cultural acceptance. Shame on you.

PEEVE

Okay, let's say you're at an all-day training that mentions a unique place name, like, say, Brisbane, Australia. It looks like Brizz-bayne, but all the presenters and many question-askers pronounce it correctly, Brizz-bin. Like, one hundred times. So WHY ON EARTH would you not notice this, and continue to mention great things about Brizz-bayne? I just don't get it.

Human babies learn by imitation. Shouldn't human adults do the same?

Also, "congratulations" surely does not have a D in it. I was shocked to see it spelled this way twice in one DAY while perusing flickr. People often shorten this word to "congrats" and it's clear that it is a T S sound at the end. So why the D?

Furthermore, it is a laundry CHUTE, not a laundry shoot. "Shoot" is a verb. You shoot photos, you shoot looks at naughty students, you might even shoot a deer if you were so inclined.You can shoot some dirty clothes down the laundry chute, if you like, as long as you call it the right homophone. A chute is where something slides down. Hence, the popular and fun board game, Chutes & Ladders. One goes up, one goes down.

Thank you, that is all for now.

Job Risks

The NEA Today magazine has an article about non-teacher school employees ("Education Support Professionals") and the dangers they face on their jobs.

Now, I surely appreciate the people who help keep a school running, and I certainly don't want any of them facing undue hardships or injuries. But the list of hazards they should be protected against...well, take a look.

"Bus drivers repeatedly open and close manually operated doors, and depress the clutch and brake pedals."

Many teachers drive to school. All teachers must also move their feet up and down stairs all day long. Does this mean that we can claim job injury from these repetitive motions?

I would think that the risk of bus drivers would be in the arena of hearing loss and stress, dealing with loud and potentially rude or disruptive children, yelling and throwing things. Let's protect them from that instead of brake pedals.

"Food service workers repeatedly life heavy equipment, stand for long shifts, and reach above shoulder level and below knee level or across counters."

Teachers stand all day long. Teachers are constantly bending and reaching: across tables to talk to students, putting charts on the wall while perched on student desks, picking up piles of paperwork and transporting them to the staff room, home, and back. Et cetera.

I've worked in food service, and the lifting and standing were the easy parts of the job. These workers get little respect and have to deal with nasty food and chemicals all day, not to mention children with little to no manners. And the dish-washing that leaves your whole body and clothing soaking, your hands pruned beyond recognition, even with gloves? Or how about the searing steam and heat from the Hobart and hot pans of food? Talk about hazards.

"Technical service and clerical workers perform repetitive keystroke motions on computers."

Several words: Gradebooks. Report cards. Bubbles. Attendance lists. I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this. Keeping in mind, of course, that teachers have to do it all manually, since too many of us (at least in this godforsaken city) are not blessed with computers on our desks like the rest of the professionals. So we have to go to our own homes and do the repetitive keystrokes.

"Skilled trades workers and custodians are subject to muscle stress from tools, prolonged kneeling, and bending."

That's what custodians have to worry about? How about cleaning up disgusting spills and picking up heavy trash cans?

Teachers are very much subject to muscle stress--clutching chalk for hours at a time; tripping over bookbags and other hazards in the obstacle course known as a classroom; balancing writing with never completely taking their eyes off the students; carrying loads of paperwork in cutesy tote bags, resulting in sore shoulders every morning and afternoon; ...this list goes on.

Health workers are exposed to diseases and contact with blood and other body fluids.

Those diseases and body fluids come through the classroom first, and many of them never even make it into the nurse's office. The teacher gets to play nurse for the easy stuff.

And how about removing the ridiculous restrictions on those nurses, so they can actually treat headaches and stomachaches and sore joints, without worrying about lawsuits from parents who worry about all the wrong things?

Security staff face psychological stress from dealing with violent student and parent behavior.

Um. Are you serious? I'm sure this is the case sometimes, but FAR too many 'security' officers simply take up space and do nothing to increase the security of the building or students. And again, all those violent and virulent students and parents go straight to the TEACHERS all day long. And then we get to think about how to deal with them on our 'off' time, often while we sleep. I know the security officers wouldn't have that dilemma.

Really. Where are the teacher job protections? How are we supposed to be the smiling, gentle faces who educate future generations if we can't even get protection from the myriad dangers that the other 'professionals' get? Why do they get to be support professionals and we're the simpletons who couldn't cut it in the real world?

"What's Wrong With Education?" Sorry, Wrong Answer

First read this editorial by Roger Schank.

Wrong Problem, Wrong Solution
Friday, December 15, 2006 2:23 AM

Math and Science, oh my. What will we do? We don’t produce enough students interested in math and science. Something must be done. I hear this refrain so often my head hurts.

First my credentials: I was a math major in college. I got 98 on every math Regent’s test offered. (I lived in New York where testing ruled in the world in the 50’s too.) My mother always asked where the other two points went. I grew up to be a computer science professor. I am not a math phobe. But neither am I a math proponent. I never used math in my professional life. Never ever.

I always start any discussion on education by asking if the person I am talking with knows the quadratic formula. One out of hundred knows it. (The last few people I asked included the head of a major testing service, the secretary of education of a state in the US, various state legislators, and 200 high school principals. Then why do we teach this obviously useless piece of information to every student in the world? Because math is important, of course.

Really? Show me the evidence.

As a person who did graduate admissions for 30 years at three of the top ten universities in the country, I know what this hysteria is actually about. Nearly all applicants to graduate computer science programs (which is what I know – but it is true in most fields of engineering and science) are foreign nationals. We wonder why American kids aren’t interested in these fields – which is a reasonable enough question. But then we have come up with an extraordinary answer.

What we say is that we must teach math and science better in high school. There are now so many programs meant to do this it makes my head spin. Here are reasons why this is simply the wrong answer.

Do we really believe that the reason that there so many foreign applicants to US graduate programs is that they teach math and science better in other countries? China and India provide most of the applicants. They also have most of the people. And many of those people will do anything to live in the U.S. So they cram math down their own throats knowing that it is a ticket to America. Very few of these applicants are coming from Germany, Sweden, France or Italy. Is this because they teach math badly there or is it because those people aren’t desperate to move to the U.S.?

In the U.S., students are not desperate to move to the US, so when you suggest to them that they numb themselves with formulas and equations they refuse to do so. The right answer would be to make math and science actually interesting, but with those awful tests as the ultimate arbiter of success this is very difficult to do.

No change in education will ever happen in the US until the testing mentality is done away with. No average high functioning adult could pass them so why make kids do it? This makes no sense. What also makes no sense is the idea that math and science are important subjects. You can live a happy life without ever having taken a physics course or knowing what a logarithm is.

On the other hand, being able to reason on the basis of evidence actually is important. Thinking rationally and logically is important. Knowing how to function in a world that includes new technology and all kinds of health issues is important. Knowing how things work and being able to fix them and perhaps design them is important.

Lets get serious. We don’t need more math and science. We need more people who can think.

We need to teach job skills, people skills, and reasoning skills. And we need to make education exciting and interesting. We need performance tests not competence tests. If we did all that we would get more Americans interested in math and science because we would get more Americans actually interested in being in school.

This teacher blog wrote a post in response:
When discussing education reform, every writer, every politician, every “expert”, eventually arrives at one point: students need more math and science.

Why? Because math is important.

Roger Schank thinks that conclusion is all wrong and asks for someone to offer the evidence.
I’m not ready to buy all of Schank’s arguments but he does make some excellent points about education reform with these thoughts.

Although I taught math for many years, I can see a lot of logic in that.

We should be trading the rote memorization of arcane mathematical processes for a curriculum that instead helps kids understand how to think for themselves.

Those few students who need the quadratic formula will eventually learn it when presented with a good reason to do so.

I say:
Complete B.S.

First of all, Roger-man, take it down a notch with self-aggrandization. Do you really begin all your education conversations proving yourself more intelligent than other bigwigs, by asking them about the quadratic equation? Seriously? When you forgot to use an apostrophe for "let's"? Get off your high mathematical horse, dude.

And you never used math as a computer science professor? Last I checked, all science required a lot of math. Perhaps I am wrong, though.

Second of all, have you ever BEEN in a public school below college level? Do you know anything about the wave of balanced literacy and emphasis on strategy instead of skills? Do you know anything about elementary and secondary curriculum at this time? Have you ever tried to TEACH any children in any country?

If not, then sorry, you can stop giving advice now.

You have a good starting point--things are definitely wrong with the American educational system. I completely agree that the testing has gone way out of control.

Unfortunately, some of those other wrong things involve people like you, people who have never been in a real school setting and want to impose your hoity-toity, smartypants ideas on everyone else.

As for curriculum and knowledge in foreign countries, yes, they are superior, in my opinion. I know that any random non-US high school graduate knows more about American history and politics than any random American college student. They also begin learning English before age 13, as well as a THIRD language after that. Whereas we don't actually teach the English language to our native speakers, and we have ridiculously low requirements for two years of foreign language.

Students in China and Japan (and maybe other Asian countries as well?) are in school or studying many more hours than American students. That alone will produce more intelligent citizens for jobs, no matter what country they decide to live in or go to.

We have watered down EVERYTHING in our schools.

The students in my school have never been required to do 'minor things' like memorize their times tables or check their spelling. Middle school math teachers who have to teach algebra and geometry simply cannot do so if the students barely have a grasp of simple operations.

They don't have those basic skills because of people just like you, who think school and math in particular should be 'fun' and 'exciting' and 'interesting.'

That is the biggest fallacy plaguing this country's education.

Math now involves learning eight different strategies for multiplication or division or whatever else, and their extremely-rigid scripted curriculum requires them to use fun hands-on activities and real-world examples.

One of those ideas is great, but one is not so great.

Young children do NOT need exposure to higher level math. They NEED to get down basic skills to build their foundation for further education and development of your precious critical thinking skills.

Right now they're encouraged to think about all the different ways to do long division. What that means in the real classroom, for the real children, is that they don't actually learn how to do anything for sure. One student in my class does weird, convoluted work when he does math, which makes no sense to the teacher, but he somehow gets the right answer. In ELA, he does some more weird thinking, and almost always it leads him to a wrong answer. He needs to learn one way to do something, and then later, if he wants to, figure out a faster way or a way that's a better fit for his learning style. As it stands, when this child moves on to high school, he's going to be lost when there's only one traditional way to figure out a problem in geometry or trigonometry. There's certainly only one accepted way to spell words; why should he get to be creative in that either? Let him learn to spell and multiply, and then use that knowledge to do something with his well-written words and his grasp of mathematical principles.

Students learning how to think for themselves? No, they can't do that at this point. Yes, that is a very real and scary problem. They most certainly need to develop critical thought.

However, NONE of that will work without a solid foundation of rotely-memorizing things like multiplying 5 times 8 or the difference between 'lose' and 'loose.' You don't build a house made of loose bricks on sand. You build a concrete foundation and mortar the bricks together so the structure will stand firm. And deciphering how deep and how wide that foundation should be...requires, yes, math!

What do other countries do that we don't? They push the students to learn, I mean really learn. They do take exams to prove their knowledge, but they most certainly are not multiple choice exams; monkeys randomly bubbling things could get decent scores by luck. Those countries would not keep lowering the passing score of those difficult tests to make sure that more children have good self-esteem, or to make sure that the schools' asses are covered when the government comes a-knocking.

Their college students also relax their freshman year, but only because it's so easy compared to the rigors of high school. Whereas in our country, people are finally noticing that very few students are able to perform at the college level, in math and writing, and all the other fields that involve math and writing...which is all of them.

And surely you are being facetious when you say that math and science should not be taught, but that students should instead be encouraged to just invent and design things. Without math and science? Engineers, carpenters, electricians, urban planners, and any regular schmoe with a checking account and bills to budget for--all of them need math.

Further, lumping science in with math--for its irrelevance in school--is dangerously ignorant. The fields are very closely related--most of physics and a lot of chemistry is math--but you can't seriously propose that students shouldn't learn science? They shouldn't learn how the world around them works? They shouldn't learn how to think critically about the effects of partially-hydrogenation have on the masses? They shouldn't learn how the human presence destroys natural habitats of too many animal species, and what to do to decrease that impact? Those real-world applications mean nothing until they have learned and completely understood the principles of atoms and molecules, the cycle of life, the food chain, the delicate balance of ecology...Oh wait, some of that involves numbers, which is math, so that must be out as well, Mr. Schank?

When I was in college, taking diverse courses like chemistry, linguistics, a foreign language, psychology, international gender policy, I was constantly amazed and delighted at how often the content would overlap, or that knowledge of one field improved the understand of another, seemingly unrelated field. It made me enjoy learning, it made me look forward to taking more classes, it made me look more in depth at the natural world and the human world. It made me a more well-rounded person.

Sure, some of the higher level math seems pointless to real life. So does the practice of diagramming sentences. I used to groan, "When am I ever going to have to diagram a sentence in life?" Of course the answer is never.

Faced now with students that wouldn't know a direct object if it hit them in the face, I finally understand the purpose of diagramming sentences: I understand how words and language work together. I can construct complex sentences using a variety of words and punctuation. I can get my point across in different forms. I can change my writing to suit my audience, and I can use high level vocabulary if I want. I even get the joke from Mary Poppins: "I met a man with a wooden leg named Smith." "What's the name of his other leg?"

It's a funny joke, and everyone should be able to understand it. I would literally have to explain this to my students, trying to find language basic enough to get them to understand modification and antecedents, when they can barely recognize a verb.

It's the same with math and science. We may never need to use the quadratic formula or sentence diagrams in 'real life,' but that knowledge expands our minds, it gets us ready for higher level work and thought, and most importantly, it makes people well-rounded.

Our country needs to stop alternatively babying and vigorously testing our children. They need to be formally and informally assessed in all their classes. We should teach more subject areas, not fewer. All classes need strict standards to show students that we are serious, that we expect excellence out of them, and that education for education's sake is important. If they can't do the basic work, don't let them proceed until they can. If they don't pass a class, in no way should they ever move to another grade, regardless of their test score.

We need citizens who understand that work will be required of them, as children in school and as adults in the real world. It's no fun preparing marketing data or grading papers, but it needs to be done. That work requires high-level thought, which, again, is only possible when founded on basics. Our schools need to teach basics first, and then work the children up to formal and analytical thought.

Edited to add this, which I'll call 'Exhibit A':

With His Superpowers?

Teacher: When did slavery end?
Student: Didn't it end in like, 1970, when Martin Luther King freed all the blacks?

--Berkeley Carroll School, Park Slope
via Overheard in New York, Dec 21, 2006

Stupidity!

--On MTV: "This is so stressful I feel like I'm going to go into cardiac duress!"

--On an email forward: "This is to cute not to send!"

--On a sign: "No refunds on seasonal merchandize"

--On another email forward: "39 Things I've Learnt So Far in Life" You know one of the things I've learned so far? How to spell LEARNED.

WHY are people so stupid?! These are adults! Know how to speak and how to spell, people; otherwise people will think you somewhat inferior.

EDIT: The email mistakes are within the body of the email, written or copied by somebody way back. I am NOT judging the person who sent it on to me, rather I am judging the person who first wrote it, back who knows when. And they are both FORWARDS, not personal emails. Jeez.

I judge people on things like intelligence (as well as compassion and openmindedness and drive, etc). Frankly, I feel better about that than say, judging people on what brand of clothing they wear or what kind of shoes, or what hairstyle they have (well, except mullets; I think we all judge those). I'm sure we all agree that insides are more important than outsides. I've been judged often based on appearance or clothing, and I would much rather have someone critique something I said, wrote, or learned than how I looked. And I make sure that I try to prevent any of those former critiques by coming across as intelligent and put-together as possible. Maybe it's wrong, but I want others to do the same. I'd rather focus on the content instead of appearance of the message, but if there are errors, I'm one of those who does get distracted from the content.

I have updated my profile at right to include the self-descriptive phrase "Spelling Stickler," so everyone is now fairly warned about my evil self.

FROOZEN!?

Feel free to hate me. I am about to say something that sounds really bad. Just keep reading and don't misquote me on anything.

These children are not smart.

Okay, no, not every single one. A couple are. But too many aren't!

I have a really hard time figuring out and then accepting the level these kids are on. This year my "high-level" class is about on grade level. Their homework and quiz scores and class performance show that. The other two classes do significantly worse and are significantly slower. They have trouble with the fifth-grade vocabulary and so must be operating on roughly a fourth-grade level--in sixth grade. The class, as a whole, not a select few.

Some things I make myself remember that it's not their fault. Things like grammar and spelling have been shunned in school during their lifetime. (The people who made that decision really ARE stupid. I hope they're happy when we have a nation of adults who can't read, write or spell effectively or efficiently. Grr. Get off my porch, you young whippersnappers with your rock and roll!) So the fact that they have no foundation and basic knowledge in these areas is not their fault. It's the system which has failed them (on purpose, but whatever, I suppose one could argue that's a matter of opinion).

And I'm not talking about the ones who have real issues, or even the ones that are behind. Even the low level ones are paying close attention and really trying to do well. That's something else. I'm talking about the kids who have no sense and who just don't pay attention.

Anyway, so when they are trying to learn these new things, and I do my best to connect it to things they already know, and show them step by step, and they just do stupid things.

That fantastic worksheet with irregular verb families--that was my tool today to learn the patterns for present-past-participle forms. For each first one, I had the kids supply the form and the pattern. See? Words they already knew, and patterns that were easy and made sense. Participation, ownership, confidence, etc.

Then they were to fill in the chart with the rest of the verbs in that same pattern. Most very good! Lots of praise to the kiddies.

For the pattern like "awake-awoke-awoken" I saw answers that sounded German and Dutch.

Forget-forgot-forgoten

(that I will very grudgingly forgive--for now!--because many of them are so low level they don't know about doubling consonants. Yet. But they better start fixing it and paying some freaking attention to their spelling.)

choose-choose-choosen

(Um, no. Just, no. What is the correct word? You know this already, I promise!)

and the best (except worst) that was ALL TOO COMMON?!

freeze--freeze--froozen

What the f*ck?!

For pete's sake, look at your paper! Read the word! PAY ATTENTION!!

Every single child in the room has been in a grocery store. Grocery stores have food in a freezer. IT IS NOT A FROOZEN FOOD SECTION!!

When I burst out with this particular sentence during my last class, they all got the giggles. Hee hee! Froozen food! Tee hee!

Me, in my head, rolling my eyes: What in the world am I dealing with here?

I don't think there is enough patience in the world for this. Instead, I think I have to make myself just forget and ignore things, and try to move on.

And FINE, none of them are actually stupid or dumb. Gah, I know I can't say that and that I'm going to hell for even thinking it. I don't really believe they're idiots. Senseless goofs, some of them, yes. LOTS of them are really low level and that makes me very nervous, because I really don't know if anything I do helps.

This year I think I'm getting better at finding those lower-level ones and targeting them for improvement. Right now that only entails a couple extra worksheets to reinforce things, and repeated desk visits during work periods to check on and review basics. Actually, I think I am seeing some improvement from at least a couple of them. I just worry because there's so much they don't know. I need to keep taking one step at a time and keeping an eye on their work.

Another thing I want to try is Experts. I noticed in the homework I graded this weekend that literally only a handful of kids really grasped and mastered the verb tense and usage. So besides full-class reinforcement, I was thinking about moving the Master Verb kids around the tables to help the others. Doesn't that sound fun?

Along with that, I think I'm going to have to go back to once-weekly skill grouping. Gah, too much to think about when we don't have a copier at our disposal. (I heard that a new one is coming soon. I just hope it happens. And I don't see why the old one can't get moved so we can have TWO working copiers. Gosh, what a concept!)

Moral of this post:

• NO, I'm not a bitter commie monster (ooh, great name for a blog!) who hates children or calls names;
• YES, I'm a human being who gets frustrated;
• ALSO YES, I'm a teacher who CARES about what the students are learning and who wants them to actually LEARN something, which requires them to pay attention, and me to work hard to monitor their progress.

Seven: Not the magic number

Cross-posted from Nachos, Please!

Benjamin Restaurant and Bar: 2nd Ave and E. 33rd

Have you ever been really hungry? And you go walking down a nearby street, and you see a nice-looking place on a corner. Lights dimmed, pleasant ambiance, slightly posh, but not overly so. Check out the menu, looks good.

Once you're seated, the pleasant waitron asks for your drink order. Flavored margaritas! NOPE. They don't have them. Mojitos? Nein. Okay, a beer and a midori sour.

Back to the menu: I spy nachos! Yummy. Just the thing to hit the spot: melted cheese covering a warm pile of tortilla chips. Mm.

Cheese only, please. Um...are you sure? Yes. Just cheese, nothing else? Yes, correct, just cheese. Okay...

A few minutes later (fairly quick service, that's good), a plate is set down in front of you.

You nearly splutter aloud, is this a joke? are you serious?

There are seven chips on the plate. Arranged prettily like a tortilla-chip-pizza...but still. SEVEN. CHIPS. Seven!

You politely ask the waitron for an extra serving of chips, because clearly, this ain't right. But he says, no, that's the order size. Okay...

Every inch of the tortilla-pizza is covered in cheese. No gaps. Again, while pretty, not exactly ideal. You must have the balance between cheesy and crispy, right? No one wants soggy nachos, for pete's sake.

And for cheese-drenched tortilla-pizza, it's not bad. But.

SEVEN. CHIPS!

Okay. "Dinner" is over. You decide to give them ONE more chance to prove themselves, so you order the yummy-looking pear crumble. Mm, pears and crumbly...stuff.

It arrives...and it's cold.

Sigh.

Ratings:
Ease of order: 2.
Portion size: 1. SEVEN?!
Cheese distribution: 2. Tortilla-pizza!
Taste: 3
Restaurant Atmosphere: 3
Service: 3
Quality: 2 1/2

Hurrah for Feminism!

Time: about 1.30 today.

Place: Central Park.

Activity: Ultimate Frisbee.

Statement: "You take the girl."

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that statement, I'd be a millionaire.

Boy! Am I glad that generations of women have fought for equality and respect!

Why I'm not a patriot (brought to you by Wikipedia)

Wow, I honestly did not expect to hear about something like this. Not the burning cars in the city thing, but a real movement. Not in 2006, anyway.

It's not terribly surprising, however; France, Paris in particular, has a very long history of popular revolt. I find it fascinating and inspiring, actually. The French have always had a very strong sense of nationalism and freedom, and if one begins limiting or threatening the other, they do something about it. They stand together and make a fight. They physically take to the streets and construct barricades. People march, and to protect themselves from police, pile random shit together to make a huge wall.

For over two hundred years (the mere lifespan of our own country, in which we hold our Constitution sacrosanct) the French have repeatedly reinvented themselves. Now, that was often because some guy let the power go to his head a little bit, but the country as a whole is okay with saying, 'Well, this hasn't gone too well. Let's scrap it and start over again and see if we can do it better.' I believe that is a much more natural and democratic way to go about being a national entity. Rather than, say, idolizing a single document regardless of changes in time and crime and sentiment and all kinds of things, using it as the end-all, be-all answer to what it means to be American.

I believe the French are up to their fifth or sixth constitution.

Each time that I learned about another popular uprising in France or Paris, I was astonished and awed anew. The people took matters into their own hands. When they were being wronged by someone in power, they ALL banded together to make a serious statement and DO something about it.

I think that this country will never be what it purports to be: the land of the free and the home of the brave. There are too many imprisoned in poverty or actual prisons. It began as, and has only become more so, the land of the rich and the land of the privileged.

To be a real, true democracy, the people rule. However, while that's the tagline of America, the reality is the 'every man for himself' and 'fighting for the American Dream.' These are singularly individualistic notions.

Now, obviously, the sheer size of both the physical land and the population make true synchronized rebellion difficult if not impossible.

But just imagine.

Imagine whole regions of people banding together to take up the fight for real freedom: economic opportunity. Why just let the rich and powerful populate and run the influential schools, universities, corporations, and media conglomerates?

Imagine an entire indignant profession deciding to stick up for themselves. Because dammit, they just weren't gonna take it anymore. What is wrong with fighting for rights and equitable pay?

Imagine a country looking at its leader and seeing a manipulative, lying, pampered oil prince, and the people DOING something about it? ALL of them, not just the crazy left-wing uberliberals?

Obviously, attempts to rise up have been made occasionally. Those brave souls risked their lives and jobs and reputations, sometimes in vain. But sometimes it works.

In this day and age, the likelihood of something like that working would be stifled by a very simple thing: it would probably be covered up and ignored by the mass media, since it's all controlled by the folks who don't want to see the dominant paradigm move a damn inch.

One can only hope that the young folks of the country have more awareness of the truth and the power of the vox populi, as well as the increasing importance of smaller, independent media to spread the word. Only then can this country embrace their freedom to actually seek true equity.

Now, that is what I will call a land of the brave and the home of the free.

Dude! Not cool!

An email in my inbox proclaimed:
"Important! Your Otopeni Bucharest, Romania trip booked on Travelocity has been changed"


WHAT?!

My first thought: Holy shit!!

My second thought: is this fraud or did I have a blackout? Why the hell do they think I'm going to Romania?

When I opened the email and looked, it said the airline changed its flight schedule. Well, I should say so. They had me booked on a completely *different* airline, going from New York to Paris to Bucharest. BUT I was still booked on the same return flight, from Prague to Amsterdam to New York. Who knows how they thought I'd get between the two, or even if they noticed or cared.

Obviously, I got on the phone pronto and told the guy, "I think something's wrong because you're trying to send me to a completely different country." He was surprised too!

After a lengthy wait on hold while he called the airline, he said he got me booked now on Delta, going to Paris, then on Czech Airlines to Prague. My new arrival is only an hour later than my original booking.

I asked for a new email confirmation of this, he said he would have it sent. Let's hope to god it works. I'm showing up at JFK on Saturday afternoon, no matter what. My ass is GOING to Prague.

Phew.

Oh, and I'm still sick. Did not sleep at all last night. Today the decongestant worked very well, but I had a couple dry coughs during the conferences. As I began to suspect last night, I think it will move to my chest soon.

This is both a good thing and a bad thing. Good, because last year I got sick at least every month. This year, I think this is my second time sick. And it's been at least three months. So I'm healthier! Also good, because it appears to be moving on through at a faster rate than before (always the same thing happens: head cold, then a chest cold, with nasty-ass coughing and hacking). So we can cross our fingers that by Saturday, it will be nearing the tail end of things.

Obviously, it's bad because hello, sick. Also, teacher. Not to mention, more conferences and a late night.

It's Wednesday, I think. That means I leave in three days!

I visited my recovering friend this afternoon. I brought her DVDs to watch that she's (criminally) never seen: Chicago, Amelie, and Pirates of the Caribbean. As I was leaving, she agreed to take me to the airport (yay! thank you!) and asked if I was packed. After a moment of shock--because SHIT, I haven't even THOUGHT ABOUT IT YET--I shrugged dismissively. "Nah, I got time." Saturday is approaching very quickly and I better work on that!

OH, yeah

As we know, Friday is my busy day. Imagine my absolute delight when my phone rings during a class, and one of the secretaries says, "[PiTA Parent] is here, she has an appointment?" I said sweetly, "I'm in class, and no, she doesn't." I know the secretaries get the brunt of this parent, and I feel bad they have to run interference, so to speak. Then I get a call two minutes later, "Oh, they'd like you to join the meeting next period [my lunch break]." O-kay.

I armed myself with the plagiarized paper her child wrote, the conduct sheet she rejected over a month ago, and my record sheet of parent contact.

The meeting was with her, me and the principal. The woman hardly let me get a word in edgewise. However, the principal called her on her bullshit and backed me up right good. It felt wonderful to have such support in the face of parent adversity.

She accused me of not being open and kept going on about her commitment to a rapport. That she comes up and checks in, that she calls my cell phone but I say 'don't.' I cut in as much as I could--because this is bullshit, look at my record sheet--to remind her that she called me at seven in the morning ONE TIME, and I repeated (now for the THIRD time) that that --the one time--was inappropriate. "Well, [the math teacher] talks to me when she's at home" blah blah blah. Man, I was ready to pop. I restrained my eyeroll as much as possible; I think it ended up directed at the wall rather than one of them. But holy jesus, shut the hell up!

What few sentences I could get in, I said firmly that what's important is the student, and that he needs to get it together so he won't do poorly like he has been. After some lecturing and backup from the principal, the parent finally agreed that yes, the child is lazy and does just enough to get by.

I explained that just because a homework assignment is turned in, doesn't mean it gets all the points. All the directions need to be followed. For example, he just turned in two paragraphs for a paper that was supposed to be two pages. I also brought out the conduct sheet again and told her she'll see it each week. I got her cell number (the only number she's given me before is one that she never picks up), and it ended amicably, for the first time ever.

And I was only ten minutes late for my class I had to, you know, teach. Be the responsible adult. The class was waint for me, and someone crowed, "Ms C, you're late!" Grit those teeth: "Yes, I am," as I fast-walked to the door.

The only bad thing is that I didn't get to tell her about the cheated extra credit paper, and that he will still probably fail this quarter. I did tell the student himself at the end of the day: I pulled him aside and pointed to "assiduous" in his paper: "How do you pronounce this word?" "asid...I looked it up!" "These are not your words. You did not write this." "My mom didn't help me!" "You did not write this. That is plagiarizing. That is cheating. You will not be getting any credit for it." I said all this very quietly, calmly, gently. I wanted him to understand (briefly) that what he turned in is not acceptable. I hoped he would take it as a lesson to learn from, but with this kid, I rather doubt it. "Anything you turn in, must be in your words. Do you understand?" He looked mad but said, "Yes."

Oh Fridays and teaching, how I love you at times like this.

Happy note: I got all my grouping/seating charts done already! One more thing off the list. Only ten more to go!