Family.
In many respects, I'm lucky for how I grew up. I always had food, shelter, clothing, and sometimes extras. The early years were pretty lean sometimes, but we never went without.
In other respects, things were tough. My parents divorced when I was 3 1/2 and my brother was less than a year old. The split was not amicable, to make an understatement. There was joint custody, which was no treat for any of us. The following three DECADES have not made things any better; my parents still do not and can not talk to each other. There is still manipulation and guilt-tripping done by both sides. I was around eight years old when I realized that when one parent asked about the other one, it was to glean info that would then be used against that other one, and I had to tell both of them that I was not the post office to pass messages between them. I remember feeling angry and frustrated and sad that the grown-ups were acting so ridiculously. There continued to be a lot of drama and issues for years after that. A lot of unhappiness and stress.
Once I got to college, I was old enough and removed enough to have better relationships with both of my parents (it started in high school, but I was still angsty and teenager-y) and in general things have been pretty good since then. Together (well, not literally--that would imply they worked as a unit), they paid for my college (though I did work for three years to cover books and living expenses)--I have zero student debt, and for that I am extremely lucky and grateful. They are both supportive of the life decisions I've made and have helped me in different ways.
However, the drama still rears its ugly head. That was one huge benefit of living across the country for so long--I could stay away from the nonsense. I could stay in New York or travel for the holidays and not have to hear about how much time I'm spending with one parent versus the other, or carefully schedule holiday days to make it as equal as possible.
I have a photo of myself with both of my parents when I was a baby and they were still together. The next photo of the three of us together is from my college graduation. That photo was maybe a minute of being close to each other, in strained silence, before one parent escaped as quickly as possible.
The biggest issue in the last few years was our wedding. Both of my parents would be there. In the same space. For most of a day. What would happen? How would they act? What kind of drama would occur with all of my family in one place, something that has literally never happened? I worried and fretted and cried about it for pretty much the entire planning time. (Thank god it was only four months. If we'd had a year-long or more engagement like many people, this may have given me an ulcer.) I'm tearing up thinking about it even now.
Happily, and to my huge, huge relief, things were fine. They didn't speak to each other, they stayed out of each other's way, there was no drama. I got a third photo of the three of us together.
There was a lot of worry for that one day, a lot of stress hanging over me for what is supposed to be a magical, wonderful day about me and my new husband.
And now there will be grandchildren. What kind of worry and drama does there promise to be for the next eighteen years?
I hate the way I had to grow up. I hate the fact that I'm still crying about it, as a mature and married thirty-three-year-old. I hate the fact that it's a legitimate worry to have even now--the drama and stress has subsided over the years, but it's very much still there, under the surface. Now that I'm so much geographically closer to them, and seeing them more often, it's not taking much for that bullshit to come back up.
I would not wish this on anyone. I want to avoid this kind of thing for any child, let alone mine. Thinking about the future of holidays, fighting between three sets of grandparents who want to see our kids--it makes me almost sick with dread and sadness and anger. I don't want this! I don't want to have to deal with it! I really, REALLY want to shield our kids from this nonsense. But I don't know how. I don't know how all the grandparents will act or react to our limited time and schedule. I don't know if they'll be more forgiving or more demanding. I just don't want to deal with it. For god's sake, I shouldn't have to deal with it.
I want to remember--and remind them--that Mister M and I and these babies are now my primary family, and will be our focus. Our needs as a unit will have to come first. I am excited about my parents being grandparents--despite all this, I think they will be good at it. I really just want to do whatever it takes to avoid them having to live with the kind of stress and secret-keeping that I have lived with for so many years (yes, even now! I'm an adult and it still hasn't stopped!). I'm not sure if I can make that happen without causing even more problems. Again, it makes me sick. And quite frankly, that is the absolute last thing I need to worry about right now or in the next couple months!
I need to focus on myself, on getting these babies as big as possible, and hope that I'm cooking them properly so they will be healthy when they come out. And then we'll need to figure out life with brand new babies and figure out how to be parents. Those are big enough changes and worries. But the other stuff continues to lurk in the back of my mind. For now, I think we've got a good excuse to bow out of Thanksgiving, and hopefully Christmas too--I can only hope that it won't be much of an issue this year, since everything and everyone will be so new. The pessimistic and realistic part of me says that oh no, there will still be Issues and Drama and Stress and Goddammit.
I don't know what to do except worry and cry. I don't want to do either of those things. To be clear, it's not like I sit around thinking about this all day every day. But it lurks in the back of my mind, and any mention of the holidays brings up at least a little of it, and sometimes I let it out enough to start upsetting me.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Monday, November 12, 2012
Sunday, October 03, 2010
Budget: The Breakdown
September is over and so is my first month's budget experiment. How did it go?
--I spent $99 on groceries. I originally budgeted $80 a month for regular groceries, since I don't eat much and I don't eat anything expensive. There's a produce shop around the corner that I have been visiting for fresh things to cook with. But I think the cooking has led to more money spent, on ingredients to make things instead of buying more simple things.
But look! My third try making cookies finally resulted in yumminess!
--At Costco I spent a mere $68. I used a debit card for that (at the end of the month).
--I spent too much on "fun" stuff out with friends: a total of $52 on a restaurant, bowling, a potluck dinner, a cab share, a snack for book club.
--Temping around the city, I needed to get around and thus spent $40 on metro cards. (For one week and a half, I am proud to exclaim that I spent zero dollars on transportation, because I biked to a temp job! A savings of $31.50!! Plus free exercise and fresh air! Win-win situation for sure. This means that metro card money will stretch into next month a little.)
--$10: I bought a swimcap to use the pool at our new gym (right now the husband is covering my share of the fees. Once I have a little more income I will pay for part of it.)
--I had to buy a read-aloud book for my class, and I couldn't help treating myself to a new MadLibs (it was on clearance!)(We hope to have some people over soon and that can make for some extra fun downtime!). That was $15 at the bookstore.
This past weekend we went to Target. I made myself a list of a few essentials that I needed, and I was able to stick to that list. But I also bought a blanket for $20. (We have a new bed and need more bedding for the colder weather. The husband bought a comforter too.) So the trip, including parking, cost me $55. Yikes.
(At one point I took out another $20 in cash because I thought I would need it for an outing, but then I decided not to go. That money still got spent, though.)
Grand total for the month: $340.
....
Overall, I did a fair job. At the beginning of the month I was a little more cavalier with money, spending more out with friends. That's the biggest spending piece that was "unnecessary." So in the future I need to find a way to reconcile fun with my very limited budget. I'm not looking forward to that. I hope that a few friends will understand and I can still have a good time. :)
Transportation was a huge cost and my budget didn't take that into account. I was still in summer mode or paycheck mode. The $25 I budgeted was for gas, which is actually very generous since I rarely drive and so only fill up every other month or so. All this year I got monthly metrocards at work pre-tax. Of course now I buy pay-per-ride metrocards out of pocket. I don't know why I forgot to take that into consideration. Next month's transportation budget will have to be $50 at least.
Groceries, like I said, was only okay. I didn't buy impulse fun food things, but that baking stuff meant that I bought three pounds of butter over the course of a couple weeks, at four dollars each. That's twelve dollars that seems a little extraneous. If I were smart and motivated, planning out meals and ingredients would be a good idea. I need to think harder about using what we already have, too, instead of always buying more. Like the frozen strawberries for smoothies. I like buying fresh ingredients at the produce shop, and so far it seems pretty cheap too (I bought two jalapeno peppers for our second salsa attempt--they cost eighteen cents!) in addition to being smart economically and environmentally.
Target and the bookstore were pretty much necessities, and unfortunately that kind of spending won't go away. I will try to spread out what I need over more time though, if that's possible.
....
Now for the emotional report...
On the one hand, it's been easy not to spend money on more things. I could easily have spent a lot more on going-out food/drinks/activities. I shouldn't have spent all that I did, but I did have a good time with friends. But in forgoing clothing, or more things at Target, I found myself thinking, "Oh, I'll just buy that next time." Which is dangerous and completely misses the point of the whole challenge by making it a temporary lark. I will probably not have any more money next time than I do right now! Oh god, this is so depressing.
BUT. It's a good learning tool in that it's easy to say no, to cut back, to ride a bike if it's nearby and the weather is good. Now that the weather has turned chilly, the bike will not be a viable option for much longer. With the looming holiday season, I'm already planning out homemade/handmade gifts.
Overall, I will have to revise my budget a little bit to make it more realistic, and I will also have to adjust a few ideas and habits. I don't think this is something I can keep up long term, but I think I'll do it again for October. I do like how using cash keeps me honest, and keeping track of every single thing keeps me thinking about what I'm spending. I can Just Say No!
...most of the time. :)
--I spent $99 on groceries. I originally budgeted $80 a month for regular groceries, since I don't eat much and I don't eat anything expensive. There's a produce shop around the corner that I have been visiting for fresh things to cook with. But I think the cooking has led to more money spent, on ingredients to make things instead of buying more simple things.
But look! My third try making cookies finally resulted in yumminess!--At Costco I spent a mere $68. I used a debit card for that (at the end of the month).
--I spent too much on "fun" stuff out with friends: a total of $52 on a restaurant, bowling, a potluck dinner, a cab share, a snack for book club.
--Temping around the city, I needed to get around and thus spent $40 on metro cards. (For one week and a half, I am proud to exclaim that I spent zero dollars on transportation, because I biked to a temp job! A savings of $31.50!! Plus free exercise and fresh air! Win-win situation for sure. This means that metro card money will stretch into next month a little.)
--$10: I bought a swimcap to use the pool at our new gym (right now the husband is covering my share of the fees. Once I have a little more income I will pay for part of it.)
--I had to buy a read-aloud book for my class, and I couldn't help treating myself to a new MadLibs (it was on clearance!)(We hope to have some people over soon and that can make for some extra fun downtime!). That was $15 at the bookstore.
This past weekend we went to Target. I made myself a list of a few essentials that I needed, and I was able to stick to that list. But I also bought a blanket for $20. (We have a new bed and need more bedding for the colder weather. The husband bought a comforter too.) So the trip, including parking, cost me $55. Yikes.
(At one point I took out another $20 in cash because I thought I would need it for an outing, but then I decided not to go. That money still got spent, though.)
Grand total for the month: $340.
....
Overall, I did a fair job. At the beginning of the month I was a little more cavalier with money, spending more out with friends. That's the biggest spending piece that was "unnecessary." So in the future I need to find a way to reconcile fun with my very limited budget. I'm not looking forward to that. I hope that a few friends will understand and I can still have a good time. :)
Transportation was a huge cost and my budget didn't take that into account. I was still in summer mode or paycheck mode. The $25 I budgeted was for gas, which is actually very generous since I rarely drive and so only fill up every other month or so. All this year I got monthly metrocards at work pre-tax. Of course now I buy pay-per-ride metrocards out of pocket. I don't know why I forgot to take that into consideration. Next month's transportation budget will have to be $50 at least.
Groceries, like I said, was only okay. I didn't buy impulse fun food things, but that baking stuff meant that I bought three pounds of butter over the course of a couple weeks, at four dollars each. That's twelve dollars that seems a little extraneous. If I were smart and motivated, planning out meals and ingredients would be a good idea. I need to think harder about using what we already have, too, instead of always buying more. Like the frozen strawberries for smoothies. I like buying fresh ingredients at the produce shop, and so far it seems pretty cheap too (I bought two jalapeno peppers for our second salsa attempt--they cost eighteen cents!) in addition to being smart economically and environmentally.
Target and the bookstore were pretty much necessities, and unfortunately that kind of spending won't go away. I will try to spread out what I need over more time though, if that's possible.
....
Now for the emotional report...
On the one hand, it's been easy not to spend money on more things. I could easily have spent a lot more on going-out food/drinks/activities. I shouldn't have spent all that I did, but I did have a good time with friends. But in forgoing clothing, or more things at Target, I found myself thinking, "Oh, I'll just buy that next time." Which is dangerous and completely misses the point of the whole challenge by making it a temporary lark. I will probably not have any more money next time than I do right now! Oh god, this is so depressing.
BUT. It's a good learning tool in that it's easy to say no, to cut back, to ride a bike if it's nearby and the weather is good. Now that the weather has turned chilly, the bike will not be a viable option for much longer. With the looming holiday season, I'm already planning out homemade/handmade gifts.
Overall, I will have to revise my budget a little bit to make it more realistic, and I will also have to adjust a few ideas and habits. I don't think this is something I can keep up long term, but I think I'll do it again for October. I do like how using cash keeps me honest, and keeping track of every single thing keeps me thinking about what I'm spending. I can Just Say No!
...most of the time. :)
Friday, September 24, 2010
c(R)ash diet
I have a surprise for you. Are you ready for this?
Here it is:
When you don't have a job, you don't have money!
You're shocked, right?!
I'm not, because I did this already, a year and a half ago. I'm so over being poor.
I'm also a little restless and bored.
So I took on a challenge. It's not a unique challenge, and it's not even a cool and hip young-person challenge. Oh, no.
This is a challenge from the Guru of Greenbacks herself, Suze Orman!
Last December, she declared that to get back at rising credit card interest rates and fees, people shouldn't buy on credit anymore and just do cash: a Back to Cash Movement!
This summer she had a guest on the show who took the challenge and tried to only use cash for a month and felt successful in managing her spending. I found this intriguing, and so, knowing that I have a very limited amount of money to spend period, I would give it a try. Especially because the last of the wedding bills came through this month (on credit cards).
[I'm actually very responsible with credit cards. I almost always pay the complete amount. If that's not at all possible, I pay as much as I can (a big chunk, way way more than the minimum). My first year of teaching (classroom supplies, school clothes, rent, books for grad school) required so much money that I was in debt the whole time--somehow I had to keep charging as much as I paid each month off the balance. So it took a little more than a year to finally get rid of that. Early last year I had a huge car repair right after I got fired, and without a real job, it took three or four months to pay it off.]
But I've been really good about not putting things on credit cards (other than wedding stuff), and it's easy to keep those pretty clear. So my motivation with this challenge wasn't fighting debt out of desperation. It wasn't about drowning in credit card interest. (Thank god.) It was more about freaking out that I still have regular bills to pay (cell phone, car insurance, other things), in addition to things like FOOD, and only what was left in my bank account. If nothing goes into it, how long will that last? How smart am I being with what little I have?
I do get reckless when I have a job. I'm not talking dropping hundreds of dollars on useless toys, trinkets, toys. But I won't say no to a reasonable urge: I'll buy a book or two here. I'll buy a few clothes there. I'll have a few drinks out with friends. I'll buy a plane ticket! (For a vacation, not just any old time, obviously! :D) I spend money because I have money. (I also save it, of course. But naturally, saving is the first thing to go when I don't have an income. I can't spare anything for later if there's not much coming in now!)
So, back to the plan. First I reviewed my spending on mint.com and then set up a very spartan monthly budget plan. I decided I would only use cash for everything possible--groceries ($80 regular plus $100 for Costco), restaurants ($30), transportation ($20), and miscellaneous/shopping ($50). So that's a grand total of $260 to last me an entire month.
I have one week left and less than twenty dollars to get me there. There's no way I'm going to make it.
I'll provide a full report once the month is over!
Here it is:
When you don't have a job, you don't have money!
You're shocked, right?!
I'm not, because I did this already, a year and a half ago. I'm so over being poor.
I'm also a little restless and bored.
So I took on a challenge. It's not a unique challenge, and it's not even a cool and hip young-person challenge. Oh, no.
This is a challenge from the Guru of Greenbacks herself, Suze Orman!
Last December, she declared that to get back at rising credit card interest rates and fees, people shouldn't buy on credit anymore and just do cash: a Back to Cash Movement!
This summer she had a guest on the show who took the challenge and tried to only use cash for a month and felt successful in managing her spending. I found this intriguing, and so, knowing that I have a very limited amount of money to spend period, I would give it a try. Especially because the last of the wedding bills came through this month (on credit cards).
[I'm actually very responsible with credit cards. I almost always pay the complete amount. If that's not at all possible, I pay as much as I can (a big chunk, way way more than the minimum). My first year of teaching (classroom supplies, school clothes, rent, books for grad school) required so much money that I was in debt the whole time--somehow I had to keep charging as much as I paid each month off the balance. So it took a little more than a year to finally get rid of that. Early last year I had a huge car repair right after I got fired, and without a real job, it took three or four months to pay it off.]
But I've been really good about not putting things on credit cards (other than wedding stuff), and it's easy to keep those pretty clear. So my motivation with this challenge wasn't fighting debt out of desperation. It wasn't about drowning in credit card interest. (Thank god.) It was more about freaking out that I still have regular bills to pay (cell phone, car insurance, other things), in addition to things like FOOD, and only what was left in my bank account. If nothing goes into it, how long will that last? How smart am I being with what little I have?
I do get reckless when I have a job. I'm not talking dropping hundreds of dollars on useless toys, trinkets, toys. But I won't say no to a reasonable urge: I'll buy a book or two here. I'll buy a few clothes there. I'll have a few drinks out with friends. I'll buy a plane ticket! (For a vacation, not just any old time, obviously! :D) I spend money because I have money. (I also save it, of course. But naturally, saving is the first thing to go when I don't have an income. I can't spare anything for later if there's not much coming in now!)
So, back to the plan. First I reviewed my spending on mint.com and then set up a very spartan monthly budget plan. I decided I would only use cash for everything possible--groceries ($80 regular plus $100 for Costco), restaurants ($30), transportation ($20), and miscellaneous/shopping ($50). So that's a grand total of $260 to last me an entire month.
I have one week left and less than twenty dollars to get me there. There's no way I'm going to make it.
I'll provide a full report once the month is over!
Thursday, October 01, 2009
oh, dear.
This afternoon might have broken me just a bit. I was trembly for like three hours after dismissal, and I wonder if I didn't have a teeny little panic attack--weird fluttery feeling, couldn't catch my breath, weak, and of course, some tears. Now, maybe I was just tired and/or hungry; once again I hadn't eaten a real dinner in like three days. But whatever it was, it was my first breakdown of the year. And it's a Thursday, and it's only the first day of October.
They say God/The Universe/The Great Sparkle in the Sky doesn't give you more than you can handle. But why does my administration keep packing my class list with difficult boys? I already can't handle the ones I've got. The entire staff already knows Chatty Chad and Loud Leo. I've become That Teacher a month into the school year!
Thinking on my days, the actual instructional pieces are pretty decent. It's the breaks and transitions and OH GOD the dismissals that have me ready to jump out one of my windows.
So far next week might even be worse! Great.
I'm off to bury my head in the sand for awhile.
They say God/The Universe/The Great Sparkle in the Sky doesn't give you more than you can handle. But why does my administration keep packing my class list with difficult boys? I already can't handle the ones I've got. The entire staff already knows Chatty Chad and Loud Leo. I've become That Teacher a month into the school year!
Thinking on my days, the actual instructional pieces are pretty decent. It's the breaks and transitions and OH GOD the dismissals that have me ready to jump out one of my windows.
So far next week might even be worse! Great.
I'm off to bury my head in the sand for awhile.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Three Words
Something must change
Big disaster today
Days are numbered
More vacation please
I miss Guatemala
New career needed
New direction wanted
Future so uncertain
(inspired by a flickr group challenge)
Big disaster today
Days are numbered
More vacation please
I miss Guatemala
New career needed
New direction wanted
Future so uncertain
(inspired by a flickr group challenge)
Monday, September 22, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Sigh. I made it.
So yeah, yesterday was bad. I cried *three* times--during the school day.
That has never happened before.
In fact, I've only cried at school two or three times ever, total, over the last four years.
The day itself wasn't disastrous like it might sound--it was more of the same shit, and I guess I reacted badly. I've been feeling stressed about making things in my classroom better, and they keep not getting better.
My lessons are sucking, my management is crap, and my timing is ridiculously awful. And me being late messes up the other classes and people get irritated. I certainly don't blame them. I'm trying, I swear! But since the kids won't shut up or focus or work, it takes forever to do anything. Then I run out of time and get even more stressed out when there are several dozen people just waiting for me to get my shit together.
There's been an issue with mixed signals and authority. Mainly that the new (to the school) teachers tell them something, they don't do it, an old (to the school) teacher steps in, they do it. Supportive, sure, except not, because it just taught the kids they don't have to listen to me until someone else--someone they respect--tells them to.
I can't get ahead with planning, which is strange because I'm also way behind on lessons. I mean that things take way too long to do. Or they go wrong. Or the kids don't get it. Which is bullshit because they're not dumb, they're not new to school, and everything is perfectly reasonable. Still, I'm changing or adapting things every single day.
The second subject is KILLING ME. I have zero plans, zero idea of what the kids know, and with the stupid management problems, no fucking time to do anything in class anyway. We haven't done anything for two solid weeks now.
I am drowning in paper right now too. I see six classes a day, teaching two subjects. I have nowhere to store all these papers, before or after they're graded--right now all of last week's work is still in bins stacked haphazardly on the floor. I'm pretty sure I'll never look at it.
Since I'm not looking at homework, and I don't have time to assess them in class because we can't even get through a lesson, I have very little idea of what they know and what they can do.
My homework assignments themselves also completely suck. I have to figure out what the hell to do, how to decrease the volume, how to miraculously make them actually put some effort into the assignment (instead of dashing off something in five seconds during breakfast). And again, the two subject thing is KILLER and so fucking stressful with the homework.
All week I've gotten between seven and eight hours of sleep, but still feel exhausted every morning. I feel like I can't catch up on rest either. This week I've been trying to eat more, too, so my general health is better than last week, when I wasn't rested or eating.
I'm working twelve hour days and feel I am getting nothing done--hours of teaching plus hours of meetings equals mental dullness.
Overall though, I feel like a generally shitty teacher. I'm totally not doing my job.
I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that all the other new (to the school) teachers feel this same way.
Shit, I keep coming back to edit and add more stuff...
I can feel a cold coming on--my throat has been tickling the last couple days and this morning I was congested a little.
I have actual holes in my shoes. I need more pants that fit and more work tops that won't make me die from sweating. We need to go grocery shopping and do tons of work cleaning and organizing the apartment.
If you have a blog, I haven't read it in weeks. I can barely manage to remember to look at facebook and change my status. I need to come to grips with the fact that I'll probably have to stop even trying to read blogs. There's just no time anymore. :( So if you're reading this and I haven't commented lately, I'm sorry and I still love you. :) And if you're one of the extra-awesome people who comments, I love you extra! Thank you for reading and thank you for the support!
That has never happened before.
In fact, I've only cried at school two or three times ever, total, over the last four years.
The day itself wasn't disastrous like it might sound--it was more of the same shit, and I guess I reacted badly. I've been feeling stressed about making things in my classroom better, and they keep not getting better.
My lessons are sucking, my management is crap, and my timing is ridiculously awful. And me being late messes up the other classes and people get irritated. I certainly don't blame them. I'm trying, I swear! But since the kids won't shut up or focus or work, it takes forever to do anything. Then I run out of time and get even more stressed out when there are several dozen people just waiting for me to get my shit together.
There's been an issue with mixed signals and authority. Mainly that the new (to the school) teachers tell them something, they don't do it, an old (to the school) teacher steps in, they do it. Supportive, sure, except not, because it just taught the kids they don't have to listen to me until someone else--someone they respect--tells them to.
I can't get ahead with planning, which is strange because I'm also way behind on lessons. I mean that things take way too long to do. Or they go wrong. Or the kids don't get it. Which is bullshit because they're not dumb, they're not new to school, and everything is perfectly reasonable. Still, I'm changing or adapting things every single day.
The second subject is KILLING ME. I have zero plans, zero idea of what the kids know, and with the stupid management problems, no fucking time to do anything in class anyway. We haven't done anything for two solid weeks now.
I am drowning in paper right now too. I see six classes a day, teaching two subjects. I have nowhere to store all these papers, before or after they're graded--right now all of last week's work is still in bins stacked haphazardly on the floor. I'm pretty sure I'll never look at it.
Since I'm not looking at homework, and I don't have time to assess them in class because we can't even get through a lesson, I have very little idea of what they know and what they can do.
My homework assignments themselves also completely suck. I have to figure out what the hell to do, how to decrease the volume, how to miraculously make them actually put some effort into the assignment (instead of dashing off something in five seconds during breakfast). And again, the two subject thing is KILLER and so fucking stressful with the homework.
All week I've gotten between seven and eight hours of sleep, but still feel exhausted every morning. I feel like I can't catch up on rest either. This week I've been trying to eat more, too, so my general health is better than last week, when I wasn't rested or eating.
I'm working twelve hour days and feel I am getting nothing done--hours of teaching plus hours of meetings equals mental dullness.
Overall though, I feel like a generally shitty teacher. I'm totally not doing my job.
I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that all the other new (to the school) teachers feel this same way.
Shit, I keep coming back to edit and add more stuff...
I can feel a cold coming on--my throat has been tickling the last couple days and this morning I was congested a little.
I have actual holes in my shoes. I need more pants that fit and more work tops that won't make me die from sweating. We need to go grocery shopping and do tons of work cleaning and organizing the apartment.
If you have a blog, I haven't read it in weeks. I can barely manage to remember to look at facebook and change my status. I need to come to grips with the fact that I'll probably have to stop even trying to read blogs. There's just no time anymore. :( So if you're reading this and I haven't commented lately, I'm sorry and I still love you. :) And if you're one of the extra-awesome people who comments, I love you extra! Thank you for reading and thank you for the support!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Ready to Tear My Hair Out
Yeah, that didn't take long after my unabashed joy and excitement, did it?
Here's why I'm at my wits' end:
Fucking JACKHAMMERING at 4.40AM and then again at 9AM. I just couldn't sleep through the night. By morning, my legs and my head felt like glass bubbles ready to shatter at the slightest movement.
There's been construction going on in the apartment next door, and most of it seems to involve BANGING on the opposite side of my main wall. It's been weeks now. It's driving me bananas, because there's nothing I can do. I'm home during the day for only several weeks a year, and this is what I get?
Finally, of course, what frustration *doesn't* stem from interaction with The Bureaucracy? I've now spent probably a couple hours calling all kinds of offices, either on hold or being told that I have to call someone else. Nobody has any answers for me. And jeez, I don't know anything yet about this new job, I haven't started yet! So I can't answer the questions they ask me. So I'm kind of at a loss. The most recent development is calling a specific person at a service center who won't be in until 1pm, or maybe not at all. Argh! However, I am happy to report that a certification specialist just called me back and DID have definitive answers, so there's one person who's knowledgeable in the system, thank god!
Here's why I'm at my wits' end:
Fucking JACKHAMMERING at 4.40AM and then again at 9AM. I just couldn't sleep through the night. By morning, my legs and my head felt like glass bubbles ready to shatter at the slightest movement.
There's been construction going on in the apartment next door, and most of it seems to involve BANGING on the opposite side of my main wall. It's been weeks now. It's driving me bananas, because there's nothing I can do. I'm home during the day for only several weeks a year, and this is what I get?
Finally, of course, what frustration *doesn't* stem from interaction with The Bureaucracy? I've now spent probably a couple hours calling all kinds of offices, either on hold or being told that I have to call someone else. Nobody has any answers for me. And jeez, I don't know anything yet about this new job, I haven't started yet! So I can't answer the questions they ask me. So I'm kind of at a loss. The most recent development is calling a specific person at a service center who won't be in until 1pm, or maybe not at all. Argh! However, I am happy to report that a certification specialist just called me back and DID have definitive answers, so there's one person who's knowledgeable in the system, thank god!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Go Away, Janus
I feel like I'm losing my mind with these decisions I have to make.
I could go work for a small school in Brooklyn. I don't have good vibes about it. I don't want to work there.
BUT!
Maybe something new would be good for me. Maybe I would make some new friends. It's the same grade and subject, so I would be comfortable while also getting a new perspective. I could finally move in with my BF.
BUT I don't really trust the principal.
So maybe I should stay at my school. I have an fantastic, inspirational EL@ AP who believes in me, and there are some fantastic people in my department. I could reconfigure and tweak my teaching, try some new things (yay workshops), try to be an even better teacher.
BUT!
I don't trust the principal. Nobody knows what the schedules or programs will be like. There's one person in my grade dept that I CANNOT stand. They're splitting up me and the colleague that have been teaching the same kids for the last four years. Ms Math has been a rock for me--we talk all the time, compare stories about students, laugh about stupid shit, vent about admin nonsense. She is a fantastic teacher. Next year they'll have me with a different teacher, who is nice enough but it just won't be the same. I'd miss my kids. I was looking forward to seeing them in the halls and such.
I can only convince myself of one or the other for about five seconds before my internal debate kicks in (that's the two-headed Janus reference, btw). I literally cannot decide between these options. Or, more precisely, I've made one decision, but I'm scared to eliminate a choice. Wouldn't that be a bad thing, to say no to the one and only new option I have?
Ideally, of course, there would be a third option, one I would be excited about, one that I would be looking forward to. And I'm still applying to some exciting jobs, but as the last six months have taught me, I cannot count on anything actually being offered. It's really hard to stay positive at this point, because I am clearly INSANE.
I could go work for a small school in Brooklyn. I don't have good vibes about it. I don't want to work there.
BUT!
Maybe something new would be good for me. Maybe I would make some new friends. It's the same grade and subject, so I would be comfortable while also getting a new perspective. I could finally move in with my BF.
BUT I don't really trust the principal.
So maybe I should stay at my school. I have an fantastic, inspirational EL@ AP who believes in me, and there are some fantastic people in my department. I could reconfigure and tweak my teaching, try some new things (yay workshops), try to be an even better teacher.
BUT!
I don't trust the principal. Nobody knows what the schedules or programs will be like. There's one person in my grade dept that I CANNOT stand. They're splitting up me and the colleague that have been teaching the same kids for the last four years. Ms Math has been a rock for me--we talk all the time, compare stories about students, laugh about stupid shit, vent about admin nonsense. She is a fantastic teacher. Next year they'll have me with a different teacher, who is nice enough but it just won't be the same. I'd miss my kids. I was looking forward to seeing them in the halls and such.
I can only convince myself of one or the other for about five seconds before my internal debate kicks in (that's the two-headed Janus reference, btw). I literally cannot decide between these options. Or, more precisely, I've made one decision, but I'm scared to eliminate a choice. Wouldn't that be a bad thing, to say no to the one and only new option I have?
Ideally, of course, there would be a third option, one I would be excited about, one that I would be looking forward to. And I'm still applying to some exciting jobs, but as the last six months have taught me, I cannot count on anything actually being offered. It's really hard to stay positive at this point, because I am clearly INSANE.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Summer Week
So this week I kept very busy, got some great news, and some bad news.
The busy part was doing a four-day workshop. (See what a dedicated educator I am? Using my "free time" to professionally develop myself? Getting up early when I don't have to??) Parts were interesting, the resources we got were awesome, and parts were just plain silly. Par for the course for these things.
Oh, and there was ranting, too. One woman marched up to our facilitator--who was only in charge of our classroom, nothing else--and screeched, "I will not stand for this! I must have breakfast! There is no coffee, no tea, nothing! I must eat in the morning!" and so on and so on. The ten of us who, DUH, thought ahead and brought our own stuff, just sat there, quietly eating our snacks and sipping our beverages. What a spoiled brat.
I have lots of things I want to write about--in fact, on the first day of the workshop, I actually made a list of topics to post about from the last couple weeks, but right now I'm tired.
So, the bad news, the very depressing news, is, of course, on the job front. A few weeks ago, I got a very random job lead. It was for a charter school that I love, for a different grade and, more scarily, a different subject. But I didn't care. It was a little intimidating to think about going so far out of my comfort zone, but I was excited to tackle something new. I cared more about the atmosphere of the school itself--being in a professional, high-standard place, where everyone is on the same page, motivated, with plenty of school-wide procedures and routines. I really wanted to work there. I knew that I wanted to work at this school back in November, when I visited it on an open house. So I was thrilled about the opportunity.
I interviewed, I thought it went well, and then I got rejected.
I was really upset about it. Sad, dejected, depressed, blue, and more than that. This rejection feels magnified a hundred fold coming on top of nearly six months of active job searching and that many rejections, magnified because this felt like a last chance, a last grab for positive change in my life, something to actually look forward to in the fall.
I'm currently looking at two options, neither of which make me happy or excited.
There will be plenty more on that later.
But. For now, let's end with some good news, eh?
Y'all should know by now that I'm just a leetle in love with photography. I take pictures every single day (mostly of myself for my 365 project, but I take zillions whenever I go somewhere. As you know, because I've got as many pictures on this silly blog as written posts. And there are more of them to come. [pictures, I mean.][although I really do want to do more writing and reflecting here too. but that takes both time and effort.]), and I have this gorgeous new camera that I love (even though oh my GOD do I want/need a faster lens...I hope I can make it to November to make it a birthday gift...). Lately I've been practicing portrait and candid photos, which are a lot of fun, and I've gotten some good shots, I think.
So anyway, I am going to now be part of a nonprofit organization, taking pictures for them as an unpaid intern! Well, I hope I will be, of course, the first gigs are next week, so think happy snappy thoughts for me. :D
That is very good news indeed, as it moves me that much closer to my very faraway dream of being able to take photos as a job.
The busy part was doing a four-day workshop. (See what a dedicated educator I am? Using my "free time" to professionally develop myself? Getting up early when I don't have to??) Parts were interesting, the resources we got were awesome, and parts were just plain silly. Par for the course for these things.
Oh, and there was ranting, too. One woman marched up to our facilitator--who was only in charge of our classroom, nothing else--and screeched, "I will not stand for this! I must have breakfast! There is no coffee, no tea, nothing! I must eat in the morning!" and so on and so on. The ten of us who, DUH, thought ahead and brought our own stuff, just sat there, quietly eating our snacks and sipping our beverages. What a spoiled brat.
I have lots of things I want to write about--in fact, on the first day of the workshop, I actually made a list of topics to post about from the last couple weeks, but right now I'm tired.
So, the bad news, the very depressing news, is, of course, on the job front. A few weeks ago, I got a very random job lead. It was for a charter school that I love, for a different grade and, more scarily, a different subject. But I didn't care. It was a little intimidating to think about going so far out of my comfort zone, but I was excited to tackle something new. I cared more about the atmosphere of the school itself--being in a professional, high-standard place, where everyone is on the same page, motivated, with plenty of school-wide procedures and routines. I really wanted to work there. I knew that I wanted to work at this school back in November, when I visited it on an open house. So I was thrilled about the opportunity.
I interviewed, I thought it went well, and then I got rejected.
I was really upset about it. Sad, dejected, depressed, blue, and more than that. This rejection feels magnified a hundred fold coming on top of nearly six months of active job searching and that many rejections, magnified because this felt like a last chance, a last grab for positive change in my life, something to actually look forward to in the fall.
I'm currently looking at two options, neither of which make me happy or excited.
There will be plenty more on that later.
But. For now, let's end with some good news, eh?
Y'all should know by now that I'm just a leetle in love with photography. I take pictures every single day (mostly of myself for my 365 project, but I take zillions whenever I go somewhere. As you know, because I've got as many pictures on this silly blog as written posts. And there are more of them to come. [pictures, I mean.][although I really do want to do more writing and reflecting here too. but that takes both time and effort.]), and I have this gorgeous new camera that I love (even though oh my GOD do I want/need a faster lens...I hope I can make it to November to make it a birthday gift...). Lately I've been practicing portrait and candid photos, which are a lot of fun, and I've gotten some good shots, I think.
So anyway, I am going to now be part of a nonprofit organization, taking pictures for them as an unpaid intern! Well, I hope I will be, of course, the first gigs are next week, so think happy snappy thoughts for me. :D
That is very good news indeed, as it moves me that much closer to my very faraway dream of being able to take photos as a job.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Alarm Bells
Ringing everywhere--in the building, in my head, all over the place.
I
*ding*
don't
*ding*
like
*ding*
this
*ding*
school
*DONG!!*
I.
Want.
A.
New.
Job.
*DING!!*
Seriously, y'all. For the last week I have been looking at ads for completely non-teaching jobs. And it is scary and sad. Would I really leave education altogether? Would I get hired in this shit economy? I have one year-ish of office experience, I've volunteered a lot, I'm an expert filer (those two degrees really come in handy, I tell you). I love taking pictures but I don't know PhotoShop or any other alteration program. I make a mean caramel macchiato. Oh, and I can boss around preteens. Does that qualify me for anything?
I
*ding*
don't
*ding*
like
*ding*
this
*ding*
school
*DONG!!*
I.
Want.
A.
New.
Job.
*DING!!*
Seriously, y'all. For the last week I have been looking at ads for completely non-teaching jobs. And it is scary and sad. Would I really leave education altogether? Would I get hired in this shit economy? I have one year-ish of office experience, I've volunteered a lot, I'm an expert filer (those two degrees really come in handy, I tell you). I love taking pictures but I don't know PhotoShop or any other alteration program. I make a mean caramel macchiato. Oh, and I can boss around preteens. Does that qualify me for anything?
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
decisions?
After, or despite, all this thinking and angsting (is that a verb? it is now), I'm pretty sure I have to stay in New York for another year. If I had gotten an offer out of state I might have taken it, but after all the go-nowhere interviews...it's getting too late to think about moving, because of my lease being up for renewal so soon.
So now, to think about the job situation...
argh.
I've 'applied' on open market for several dozen positions, both English and elementary. I don't even know how it works, or if it will work. I hadn't wanted to risk another crappy school in the city. But, better the devil you know? Or take the plunge into something new and different?
again, argh.
Though it's probably pointless, I'm even letting myself think about non-teaching jobs. I looked around a teeny bit, but sadly found mostly either admin-assistant positions (which sound fabulously easy [but boring?] compared to being in the classroom, and which now I feel way overqualified for) or education-related jobs that require management/data experience (which I would say I'm HIGHLY qualified for, but obviously their definitions would not agree) or things that I don't find interesting at all. Hmph.
For now, I'm keeping my eyes open for the next month or so. If you have any ideas or suggestions, please let me know. :)
So now, to think about the job situation...
argh.
I've 'applied' on open market for several dozen positions, both English and elementary. I don't even know how it works, or if it will work. I hadn't wanted to risk another crappy school in the city. But, better the devil you know? Or take the plunge into something new and different?
again, argh.
Though it's probably pointless, I'm even letting myself think about non-teaching jobs. I looked around a teeny bit, but sadly found mostly either admin-assistant positions (which sound fabulously easy [but boring?] compared to being in the classroom, and which now I feel way overqualified for) or education-related jobs that require management/data experience (which I would say I'm HIGHLY qualified for, but obviously their definitions would not agree) or things that I don't find interesting at all. Hmph.
For now, I'm keeping my eyes open for the next month or so. If you have any ideas or suggestions, please let me know. :)
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
DUDE.
Anyone who is faint of heart, click elsewhere. Anyone who doesn't like swearing, avert your eyes. Anyone who believes children are innocent and beautiful and can do no wrong, for god's sake, get real!
Sometime last week, the lock we placed on the bookroom door was removed. Not even broken or mangled; it just wasn't there anymore. AND another teacher caught some kids going into the bookroom and stealing books. And at point, not sure if it was those same boys or not, but someone trashed the book room. MY book room.
I'm mad. I'm so mad it's gone past mad, into rage, disbelief, defeat. I almost feel violated.
Look at this! Who the fuck do these kids think they are? How do they decide that is an okay thing to do? What the hell were they doing there anyway? The whole staircase is supposed to be completely off-limits to students. So how did they make it down there, make a big fucking mess, and escape without anyone noticing or doing something about it? Where the hell are the goddamned school safety agents?!
It was disgusting. That white stuff was an almost-new box of kleenex that these assholes decided to take out of the box and toss around. The other shit, basically they just shoved things off of shelves. Low shelves and high shelves.
Parts of two shelves were tossed, plus a cabinet opened and things tossed out.
It took an hour and a half to do all this. It was practically like starting over, a year ago.
Seriously. So disgusting!
I tell you, when I come down with some kind of cancer or lung disease, we'll all know why.
PS--I finally figured out how to get more than one flickr photo in a blog post! I'm so pleased and excited. Ooh, the possibilities that are in store for you lucky readers. :)
For anyone else who wants to do this, you go to "all sizes" and choose a size (small or medium), copy the html code and then paste it into the blogger template. Et voila!
If everyone else already knew that, pardon me for being slow. :)
Sunday, May 27, 2007
I love long weekends, but...
this time of year ALWAYS means that I have to worry about and do grading, because they're due on Wednesday. Dammit.
Right now it's 8.41, and I've been up for approximately forty minutes, reading blogs (as you do). This is not normally a bad thing (though it's probably a little sad), but actually it is, because what kept me from further slumber was the thought of all the grading I still have to do. So I decided to actually get up and start working on it...
Oops.
Add to the fact that it's been a long time since I updated, which means if I have something more important to do, I'll post first, and I might have a problem for the next day and a half.
The weekend at camp was a lot of fun, and relaxing. I took a LOT of pictures. Shocker, right? And they're all with my old camera, since I bought the new one right after coming back to the city.
And now I just spent ten minutes on gmail replying to incoming fellows who want to visit. See how well I can while away the day while doing nothing of substance?
Anyway, here's the link to my camp weekend photos. That old little camera takes pretty decent pictures, but now I'm firmly in love with my gorgeous Sony, and can't think about going back. As with all big purchases, I was debating whether to keep it. (I bought a shiny new laptop two Christmases ago but took it back because it was so much money. Which it actually wasn't, for a laptop, but I talked myself out of it. Because I'm just that frugal.) But it's just so awesome, and I'm excited about learning the manual settings (the biggest reason for springing the extra money as opposed to the tiny and lovely Canon SD1000), and plus it's a great new toy. I'll have it for years, I'm sure, and it should take me many beautiful photos.
So now it's 9am and I still haven't done any work. By the way, Boyfriend helped me yesterday by inputting some of my grades! Isn't that the sweetest? I made some mojitos for us and then I worked on grading poetry projects (I've been working on them all week--I completed the first two classes' work in just two days! But the last class is the biggest and with the most actually turned in, and I also had to work on grading the three quizzes I gave to each class this week, so right now I've got fourteen more poetry things to grade, and then several quizzes for each class, and then I need to finish inputting, and then begin the bubbling. EGADS.).
So...sorry for the not posting, sorry for the lame update.
Oh, I'll leave you with an amusing anecdote. On the third day of getting a quiz, a student in my top class said, "Man, I've got to get a pop-up blocker for these!"
Right now it's 8.41, and I've been up for approximately forty minutes, reading blogs (as you do). This is not normally a bad thing (though it's probably a little sad), but actually it is, because what kept me from further slumber was the thought of all the grading I still have to do. So I decided to actually get up and start working on it...
Oops.
Add to the fact that it's been a long time since I updated, which means if I have something more important to do, I'll post first, and I might have a problem for the next day and a half.
The weekend at camp was a lot of fun, and relaxing. I took a LOT of pictures. Shocker, right? And they're all with my old camera, since I bought the new one right after coming back to the city.
And now I just spent ten minutes on gmail replying to incoming fellows who want to visit. See how well I can while away the day while doing nothing of substance?
Anyway, here's the link to my camp weekend photos. That old little camera takes pretty decent pictures, but now I'm firmly in love with my gorgeous Sony, and can't think about going back. As with all big purchases, I was debating whether to keep it. (I bought a shiny new laptop two Christmases ago but took it back because it was so much money. Which it actually wasn't, for a laptop, but I talked myself out of it. Because I'm just that frugal.) But it's just so awesome, and I'm excited about learning the manual settings (the biggest reason for springing the extra money as opposed to the tiny and lovely Canon SD1000), and plus it's a great new toy. I'll have it for years, I'm sure, and it should take me many beautiful photos.
So now it's 9am and I still haven't done any work. By the way, Boyfriend helped me yesterday by inputting some of my grades! Isn't that the sweetest? I made some mojitos for us and then I worked on grading poetry projects (I've been working on them all week--I completed the first two classes' work in just two days! But the last class is the biggest and with the most actually turned in, and I also had to work on grading the three quizzes I gave to each class this week, so right now I've got fourteen more poetry things to grade, and then several quizzes for each class, and then I need to finish inputting, and then begin the bubbling. EGADS.).
So...sorry for the not posting, sorry for the lame update.
Oh, I'll leave you with an amusing anecdote. On the third day of getting a quiz, a student in my top class said, "Man, I've got to get a pop-up blocker for these!"
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