dessert

Today was a better day, so to celebrate it let's talk sweets.

Remember those apples we picked? Last month I did get around to making a pie--an apple crumb, to be precise. I bought the crust, chopped the apples, pulsed some stuff in the food processor, and bam, delicious!


We still had a handful of apples left over, so a week or two after the first one, I tried another recipe. This was an apple crisp. It was also delicious!



Almost forgot--made some seasonal sugar cookies for the party last week (bats, trees, and hearts). They were a hit at the office yesterday.



Last and certainly not least, I bought myself a Costco cake for my birthday. :) YUM!

I hate today

Someone linked to this post yesterday: It's Okay if You Suck at This

I woke up on a bad note today (by a loud noise on our roof--it happens every fucking morning) and then the afternoon got worse as I felt confused and frustrated, and then even more so when Excel proved too much for me. I am over it. (Not Excel, but the day.) It feels like everything started going badly and then I spun myself into a funk. And this doesn't happen at work, at least I don't recall so.

So I came home and ate cookies and faced the fact that while I need a good rant or fit (or a good workout, if I was a healthier person), I have a bunch of photos that I have to process tonight.

It is really frustrating that it seems like I'm working all the time and yet I am so fucking poor. Over. It.

party animal

I made a goal to host two "parties" this year. I kind of hate the word 'party' because in my head, it conjures up:
--a child's birthday party
--popular high school people
--a lot of people
--noise, crowds, dancing

And I do not have (or in the last case, want) any of those things. So "gathering" is a better word, I guess? But that sounds pretentious.

Two Christmases ago, we had a pretty big gathering at our place, and there was like a total of 30 people who came and went over the course of the evening. That was fun and pretty exciting. There was a lot of wine consumed!

I wanted to do one at the end of May with some former colleagues to celebrate spring and the end of t3sting season, but I never got around to it and I was afraid none of them really liked me after all and no one would show up.

I decided to do a little thing for my birthday. I sent out the invites a good month in advance, since it's such a crazy busy time of year. As always, I was worried no one would come, or even worse, that only a couple people would come. It turned out to be 10-12 or so, which was a nice number. It was a pretty quiet evening, but that's kind of standard, I guess. Anyway, it was fun, and there was cake. I really appreciated that some people made it!

One excellent side benefit of having people over is that it forces me to look at our apartment without my blinders on. I gave away a stack of things that had been piled in a corner for weeks. I moved some little things so the edges of floors were clearer. It made our place look so much more streamlined and attractive! I am motivated to continue keeping things as de-cluttered as possible. Which means continue getting rid of and organizing all the crap that I have.

down with pop culture

I've long hated reality television. I remember when Survivor started and all the drama that was shown in advertising clips--I found it distasteful and uncomfortable. I used to watch MTV's Road Rules (fun! adventures!) and Real World, back when they tried to force the people to have a job and do something. There were a few casting specials, and I remember that the producers were fairly transparent about choosing people who would make a good story (ie, stir the pot and cause scenes).

Now there are all these awful shows that venerate ridiculous yelling and drama, or even violence and bad behavior. Take this with a boulder of salt because I don't watch any of them, but when I see ads for Bad Girls' Club, the Real Housewives, Jersey Shore, those kind of shows, my lip curls in disgust. It's seriously gross what these shows do for the media, and don't do for humanity.

Today someone posted this article on Facebook: "Why Kim Kardashian's Divorce is Good for America and Women."

An excerpt:

So, what do these shows teach us? To start, that all a groom needs to qualify as “Prince Charming” is a fat wallet (why, hello there, “Joe Millionaire”). That “every girl” wants to—and can--become a “princess” bride, so long as she is skinny, vapid, and emotionally undemanding (the longest-running dating franchise, ABC’s “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” set this template early). TV networks have collaborated with embedded advertisers to convince us that the only thing "real women" should aspire to is becoming “Mrs. Something” (as a former Miss USA contestant put it on “Who Wants to Marry My Dad"). And that ludicrously expensive weddings are the key to lifelong happiness, no matter what happens behind the scenes.

It’s tempting to laugh all this off as harmless fluff, but the impact is real. Dating shows in particular portray women as bitchy, catty and desperate. These shows also tend to exclude intellectual, professionally accomplished women--preferring contestants like a bubby 24-year-old on "The Bachelor," who promised she’d “make the best wife” because “I will be a servant to him.” According to a recent Girl Scouts survey of 1,100 girls, young women who regularly watch reality TV are more likely than non-viewers to “accept and expect a higher level of drama, aggression, and bullying” in their lives. They’re also significantly more likely to believe that “It’s in girls’ nature to be catty and competitive with one another,” that "It’s hard for me to trust other girls,” and that girls “have to compete for a guy’s attention.”

The article linked to this article about a new documentary that I want to see but also sounds really difficult to watch:

It makes me sad and angry that shows like this exist, that they have huge viewerships, franchises, and "fame." It seems like they multiply every year, and the producers manufacture more and more drama, and the American populace grows dumber and grosser every time they grin delightedly when watching shows about people being shitheads. People think they can be complete assholes and instigate all kinds of ridiculousness, while claiming "I'm just honest!" I hate all of it.

I do watch the Amazing Race, which is technically a reality show. And there is certainly an element of drama that they highlight as teams bicker or fight with each other or with other teams. And I hate those parts. They make me really unhappy and uncomfortable. Happily, most of the show revolves around interesting tasks in interesting places all around the globe, and I feel that overall, the show is about growth, personal strength, team unity, and endurance rather than showing off how mean people can be to each other.

I know it's stupid to get upset about something 'trivial' like television, but as that article points out, the effects on the viewers are real, and they are not good. I really want to find a way to just stop the stupidity.

Today's BlogHer prompt: When you are writing, do you prefer to use a pen or a computer?

It depends. For 'academic' writing, definitely computer. If there's a certain volume of material, it's just so much faster and efficient. I learned to type when I was a kid (on the PAWS program, back in the days of 5 1/2" floppies!), so I'm a quick typist (my students used to be in awe of me!).

But for certain creative things, nothing beats an actual writing utensil. If I need to work something out, like a creative idea or something, the tactileness (is that a word?) of holding a pen or pencil helps me think. Trying to type a creative idea feels colder, more impersonal, less easy to flow. And I do love me a list! I use the notepad feature on my iPhone, but it's definitely lacking in the ability to cross things off. (Obviously there are more apps for that, but eh, seemed like too much work to find the right one and make it work.)

I'd been thinking about organization lately. When I started at this job a year ago, I used a white legal pad. I'm almost through my third one now. But it wasn't very organized. Sometimes I made lists, sometimes I took notes from meetings or calls, I wrote phone numbers occasionally. It never felt very happy, organization-wise. A few weeks ago I finally felt frustrated enough to start thinking about other options.

Happily, I asked a colleague while on a work trip, and she showed me her planner. It's this one from Staples. Do you see the genius of it? The left side has a space for each day, but the right side is all notes. It's fantastic! We went to Staples and I found one on sale since it's already the end of the year, planner-selling-wise. I've been using it for a few weeks, and I love it! I make a list each day, and I check off my tasks as I complete them. I have space for notes during the week, about projects or ideas or what have you. My colleague uses earlier dates to take longer notes and then makes a 'table of contents' at the front. So on a team call, she dates the page and takes notes, and then marks that meeting at the front. Pretty smart, but I don't think I have a need for that quite yet.

Anyway, the pen/pencil/real writing factor makes my work life very clean, very easy, and very satisfying!

things i've done so much in real life that i did them in my sleep

(in chronological order of occurrence)
1. play tetris

2. an uneven parallel bars routine

3. paint walls

4. teach
4a. write lesson plans
4b. discipline students

How about you?

to blog or not to blog

That's been a question at the back of my mind for a few months now.

One of my goals for 2011 was to post something here at least once a week. Which I did, for over half the year. Though, many of the posts were lacking in meaningful content...I guess I was trying to cultivate a habit?

Sidebar: It really bugs me when someone writes, "New blog up today!" Blog=blog post. You most certainly did not create an entirely new blog on the internet today; you wrote a post on your existing blog. /end mild rant.

Remember that this thing began as a geocities site eleven years ago when I did my summer abroad. For the next couple years, I rambled about who knows what. Then there was AmeriCorps--full of adventures and excitement (both positive and negative) ripe for the telling. Finally, I moved to New York and started teaching. Back then, when no one was reading, this was a great way for me to reflect and record my lessons, student behavior, whatever random shit was floating through my mind. There was a clear purpose, a clear intent, and plenty of material; it was more a matter of time and effort to type it all out.

But now...most of the time I can't think of anything to say. In fact, here is an entire post about not knowing what to post about. There is no material, no purpose, and I'm not sure if there's an effort.

It's November 2nd, the second day of the annual 30-day writing challenge. Technically I could try doing the bloggy version and see if I can dredge up a new life for this dusty e-tome. We'll see.

Happy Birthday to Me!

It's my birthday today!

When I turned thirty, I dressed up and jumped at the Brooklyn Bridge.


Last year I tried to do thirty-one jumps on my thirty-first birthday, while wearing a cute dress. That plan...was a little overzealous, but I did get eight. :)

I'm excited to announce here the completion of one of my 2011 goals--thirty-one jumps before my thirty-second birthday. These jumps comprise different boroughs, states, and countries over three and a half seasons of the year. Hurray for jumping and birthdays!

Happy...

If you're around and reading this, thank you! May your All Hallow's Eve be filled with merriment and candy!

pst, This is not my pumpkin. I found it in my neighborhood last year. Isn't it awesome?

the state of my things

Y'all, I am so poor.

Somehow this summer became the most expensive summer other than the wedding.
I had some two cavities filled (I'm on the husband's insurance, which covered more than half),
I bought some much-needed shoes (three pairs, for work and not),
I bought several train tickets and air tickets for work (which is reimbursed but after I pay the credit card bill),
I got new glasses (I hadn't gotten new frames in SEVEN YEARS, and the whole thing was under $150; I also got new contacts which were covered by insurance),
I spent a lot on our vacation (but the husband spent even more),
I bought clothes at the outlet mall (I now have two new pairs of jeans: I've had the same two pairs for 4 and 7 years, so I think some new ones are well-deserved).

I haven't been able to catch up on my credit card bills--I pay a big chunk, and then somehow I end up charging almost the same amount again. This happened when I first moved to NYC (except even more), and it took a year to get clear of that and get my expenses under control. And that was with an actual salary!

A couple weeks ago was my one-year anniversary at my job. Which is great--I love the people that I work with, the work is interesting and varied. However, I do not have a salary--I'm an hourly consultant, which means I have to pay my own taxes. I'm clearing less than $2000 a month (many months far less)--less than what I made per paycheck that first year teaching. If I were living in NYC by myself on this money...well, I couldn't and I would have moved back to Washington.

Happily, the husband makes real money and we split our shared expenses by percentage rather than by dollar amount. Which leaves some money for my own expenses...which keep outpacing the incoming dollars.

The other day I suddenly thought to myself--wait a minute, I'm making less than $30,000 a year, I'll get a huge refund! I can use that to help pay for an incredible trip I found out about! All my problems will be solved! Then I crashed down to earth and remembered that we're married filing jointly, so my paltry pittance is added to the boy's relatively giant pile of cash. So the government doesn't care how poor I am and they'll be keeping all my tax money after all. I started feeling panicky and seriously depressed about my situation. So far I've just been trying not to think too much about it, and maybe I haven't been strict enough in restraining spending.

Sigh. It sucks. Especially because I wanted to finally get some framing done on things that have been waiting for years. Getting things professionally framed is a very expensive, grown-up thing to do. Hence, I've never done it! I have a beautiful print from Prague (FIVE YEARS AGO) that needs framing, an Aboriginal Australian painting (from four years ago), and we got a little painting in Greece earlier this year too. These have been sitting in corners for YEARS and for pete's sake, it's time to get them up on the walls already! And I was ready to suck it up and just get them done! But holy crap, there's just no money for it after all.

One thing that I am proud of is the clutter-busting. A week or two (or more? I've lost track) I got more work done clearing out some piles. That means, of course, those piles have become giveaway piles, so they're sitting somewhere else. But it's on its way out! I promise!

There is still a lot of work to do. At least decluttering is free.

zzzzz

This past week was busy in the office, then I had a three day business trip, and then more babies today, and I have a very full week ahead. I'm tired. Boo hoo, poor me.

Oh, and the business trip had no time for the beach, AND the hotel hallway would have made for some sweet photos, but there was no time for that either. :/ I did finish up another roll of film though, while at lunch with some colleagues.

I survived my travel nightmare--a flight with neither book nor craft (I forgot them in my checked bag)! Fortunately I had a letter to finish and a laptop with Netflix movies.

On the first flight I started reading The Happiness Project, and I'm really enjoying it. It's inspiring and thought-provoking. (But also kind of depressing in some ways, because I have so much work to do in that area--figuring out good things and working to expand them.)

That is also my 90th book in 2011! I've got a pile of library books plus one for next month's FYA book club. I want to make sure my 100th book is something special, so I might have to plan ahead or plumb my various to-read lists.

Speaking of crafts, I realized that it's mid-October (oh shit, creeping toward end of October already), and last year by this time I'd made a holiday craft-gift list and gotten started. I'm working on a super cozy scarf, but that's not necessarily a gift. So I suppose I need to start thinking about any craft gifts? I have forbidden myself from buying yarn, but the volumes of yarn I do have I don't necessarily love. The challenge then will be to stash-bust intelligently. Hmm.

buzz buzz busy bee

So I meant to write in August why I wouldn't be writing more in August, but things were busy and then it turned into September and more busy and I'm working six days a week and well, I just kept not getting around to the blog.

First, we went to Virginia for what was supposed to be a long weekend.




That was thwarted by the weather, so we came back to NYC for the "hurricane." Since we went by train, we figured it would be better to hunker down back home instead of wait out any track floods/repairs.


That actually ended up being a great weekend. I was at home, all day, for two whole days! Got to hang out with the husband and Ms M, who was staying with us for a bit.


A few days later, I went to Florida for a work trip. First of all, BEACH! But even better, I totally heart everyone I work with. It was a great time--not just the work meetings, but the after-meetings drinks and meals.

Plus, I had a bit of time to walk on the beach!!



Two days after I got back from Florida, we left for a week in Oregon. First, a couple days in Portland:


Then, a couple days in Crater Lake:

The day after we got back, I went back to work. Did I ever mention here the baby photography I started doing in July? I'm working with a company who does newborn photos in hospitals. I worked two days a week in the summer (while working four days at my regular job), but after September started, I do only Sundays (and I'm back to five days at the day job).

So last weekend was extra special--not just the mini trip, but also that I took the weekend off from photos, and then took Columbus Day too. It was wonderful to have time off to relax!

A is for Apple

As part of our mini-Berkshire adventure, we also went apple picking!


It was our first time.

There were so many apples! Lots of the good ones seemed higher up.


We picked varieties we'd never heard of before; I think these are Blushing Golden. They are deliciously crisp, but that could just be the freshness.

We also got some green apples to make a pie-related dessert. We were supposed to make it this weekend, but time got away. So I guess I'll need to do it this week before they go too bad. Eep, pie scares me!

bowlarama

Last weekend we took a mini-road trip up to the Berkshires. We did several fun things, one of which was bowling at this charmingly low-key place near our motel.


We played two games. In the first game, I did really bad--only 49! But I got a strike in there. The second game was much better: 75, with TWO strikes plus a spare!


The husband of course did much better. He got a total of three strikes and like 6 spares.


Bowling is a good time! This place also had a little indoor mini-golf, which we decided not to do this time.

some progress

First, apropos of nothing: here's an adorable kitty we saw today!

We also found a gorgeous, ridiculously cushy sofa...but we're not sure it will fit through the door. With the door on, there's an extra quarter inch of theoretical space. Do you think that will work?

Apropos of the title: a few months ago, I posted about some of my magazines and teacher stuff, how I have too much of it, what to do with it. I did end up posting on freecycle and craigslist. Even though I had a handful of responses, nothing worked out. So the bags continued to sit in the hallway.

A few weeks ago, in a fit of fall-cleaning pique, I re-listed them on craigslist and freecycle. Once again, I got a bunch of responses and then no one actually wrote back after a second email! What is wrong with people? Happily, the last responder, from craigslist, did write back and though it took a few days, they actually picked up the magazines as well as some of the fun stuff (a few workbooks, some BrainQuest, a MadLibs or two, etc).

I was still left with two bags of test prep materials. I kept thinking that someone could use it, and there must be a way to find that someone. Teachers need stuff! Kids need stuff! Etc!

This week, though, I said eff it, it's time for it to go. And off it went to the recycle bin in the sky! (Or technically, the basement.)

Check out how many paperclips were hiding in the piles of all that paper.

This is a big deal, friends. That shit has been hanging around for months! The floors in our hallway and foyer are clear!

Next up is getting a bag of clothes donated and another bag of clothes to the textile donation.

Recently I've realized that it's October (I remember this at least twice a week), and I've been panicking a bit about my year goals. One of them was to do something about my AmeriCorps ed award. This week I've come up with some practical but also potentially AWESOME plans for it. I need to think more and talk to some people, but ooh, exciting! Sometimes I have a really hard time getting out of my head and out of a rut, so forcing myself to do some new things could be an amazing kick in the ass and in life.

blue chip

Don't you think that teachers should get, like, stripes? Epaulet stars? Letter bars? Some kind of mark of their heroism and dedication? Veteran teachers would be just covered in shiny acknowledgements. Greener teachers would be dazzled by their experience.

This is my second year as a not teacher. Lately I've been thinking that those of us out of teaching should get some kind of chip to acknowledge our past work but also the challenge of transitioning to a more civilian life, if you will. The healing process, the trying to escape or ignore the ever-persistent teaching dreams, the relinquishing of office supply stashes.

Happy fall, everyone.

the paper anniversary

He is my husband.

He is so handsome!
He loves me, and sees the best in me.
He gives the best hugs.
He is strong, physically and emotionally.
When he gets frazzled, he lets me talk and calm him down.
When I get frazzled (which happens much more frequently), he gives me a hug and listens to me and tries to make me feel better.
He smells really good.
He likes to travel and is a great travel companion.
He's a great roommate--he always does his dishes and puts his clothes away.
He's forgiving when I'm not so quick with my own tidying.
He is health-conscious.
He makes up goofy songs about mundane things and sings them to me.
He works really hard, and always puts his all into everything he does.
He supports me emotionally.
He occasionally supports me financially.
He has never ever questioned or even blinked at my quirks.
Our hands fit perfectly together.
He's always up for adventure.
He is happy to have an at-home lounge day.
He is amazing at Rock Band.
He says silly things to make me laugh.
He is ever so patient with my photo things--happy to pose for me, willing to wait if I stop to take pictures.
He is passionate about sports.
He knows everything about government, American and British.
He is a smart cookie in general.
He makes me feel beautiful and special.

He is my husband of one year, and I am so happy for it. I can't wait for more years together.

butterfly

I know some people that are social butterflies, who have a million friends, who have weekend plans a month in advance, who get together even during the week!

I have never been one of those people. I'm more of a social larva. While I was teaching, doing anything during the week just never made sense; I was too busy and tired. But also, I've never really had a lot of friends. I can be really outgoing, I can be a leader...but it's much easier to be strong, loud and in charge when the people around you are pre-teens. I found that after being a leader all day long in my job, I wanted to hang back and let another grown-up take a crack at it, so I could relax a bit. And so around strangers, I am often quiet and shy. Usually I have plenty to say, I just don't always feel up to saying it.

I always want to have friends, and make friends. That's really hard to do as an adult. Or at all, really. It's all about propinquity--who's around you. The friends I still have from college, we all lived in the same dorm. Then I befriended some teachers at my school (who have since moved away, gotten married, and had babies). Happily, a couple teacher-blog friends became real-life friends, and that expanded into flickr friends who became real-life friends.

But just meeting people? Finding friends on one's own? I don't know how to do that.

So I try to be open to possibilities that other people put together. For instance, in the winter, there was an AmeriCorps Alums event at a bar. I ended up finding some other NCCC folks and we happily chatted for a couple hours. We've gone to a party or two, and ended up talking to fun people that I wish could become friends. Have you done that--met a person at a social event but then took the initiative to establish contact? Like, I want to say, "You seem like a neat person. Be my friend." I am occasionally great at being a one-hour party friend, but I've never been able to make that stick into a real thing.

And then sometimes I just can't do any of it. There was another AmeriCorps Alums event this summer, in a different bar. I was really excited for it, since the previous one had been so successful. I walked up to the bar, and it was completely jammed with people. I tried to steel myself, and walked in. I kind of looked around like I was supposed to be there, was meeting someone there, was not just a loner loser trying to find people to latch onto...

And turned around and walked out. I couldn't do it. I was exhausted and shy just thinking about the effort to find the right group of people and trying to be all perky. So, defeated, I went home and watched tv.

Earlier this week, I read about a book club meet-up on Forever Young Adult, a blog that talks about all things YA (books, tv, movies). The assigned book was one I'd already read and loved, Beauty Queens. There was a meeting in my borough, not very far away. I put it on my calendar and hoped I might have the resolve to go.

It was scheduled for last night. I was so tired yesterday that I left work a little early and actually took a nap. I waffled on whether I had the energy--mental or physical--to go out and meet strangers. But with my resolve to get out there and try to meet potential friends, I figured I had to at least try. I knew that I'd have some things in common with people, at least! I can talk about books for days.

So I went. I almost didn't find the people, and almost right away was struck with that lost, stomach-butterfly feeling of being a loser. But! someone else noticed me holding a book and looking around. Together we found the others (helpfully with a sign). There were only four of us total, which meant that we had plenty of time to talk about all kinds of things book-related. I got some great recommendations and gave some as well.

I felt energized while there and afterward--proud of myself for getting out there, happy to find people with similar tastes and mindsets, excited to talk about books I love or hate.

I'm hoping that this book club will continue and that I can juggle that as well as my other YA book club. Dare I say it, I'm also hoping that I can make some more friends. I really should be butterflying out there, finding new and interesting people to visit with.

Now though, it's late and I want to curl up with a book. Good night, friends.

cobberilific

Ms M is back in NYC for the summer! She stayed with us for a bit, and brought back a big bag of freshly-picked blueberries after a weekend trip. She suggested we make a cobbler with them. I was nervous; I've been too scared of baking pie and pie-related things. However, cobbler is super easy, and the recipe we found was delicious.

You just throw the berries in with some sugar, cornstarch and lemon juice, and dump it into a pie plate.

Then you mix the topping dough by hand (no mixer or fancy tools needed) and drop it on top of the berries, and put the whole thing into the oven!


Oh my goodness, it was so, so good. Especially warm with vanilla ice cream. I highly recommend this recipe--the topping has cinnamon in it! The other recipes I perused didn't and I'm sure they couldn't have been as yummy.

Last week I couldn't stop thinking about the delicious cobbler and also that strawberry cobbler sounded really good. So over the weekend, we made one!


The strawberries needed a bit of pre-cooking, in a pot with the sugar and cornstarch, and some water. It made for a gooey paste of sweet deliciousness, which then was covered with that delicious topping!


Oh my goodness, it was amazing. YUM.

oh snap

Where did the time go?!

I keep remembering that it's JULY now, for crying out loud, and just feeling like that's insane. I guess since I don't have school as a frame of time or day reference, everything is just blurring together.

Speaking of school, since I wrote that long rambling post about teaching dreams, I haven't had any. Maybe I just needed to get it all out of my head in some other medium?

I baked a cake this weekend, and made buttercream frosting.

I'm currently reading my 65th book of the year.

It is really hot outside. I am so, so grateful to have a working air-conditioner.

This week I'm starting a new part-time gig as a baby photographer. Not so much for the pay, but for the experience. Today I did a training thing and I start for real on Friday.

cookie time

I've mentioned that one of my 2011 goals is to try one new recipe a month. (I missed one in April, which can be forgiven because I was out of the country for half of it.) Extra bonus because I can bring the results to the office, where they are convinced I'm a great baker. Ha!

Anyway, this week there was a barbecue at the office, for my supervisor who is moving away (but staying with the company). We had the barbecue on our patio (yet another great thing about this company), and it was originally a potluck. So I figured it would be a perfect time to try out something new and hopefully tasty.

When we were at Costco last, I got some dried cherries. Later on, I thought about adding them to chocolate chip cookies, but a colleague suggested oatmeal cherry cookies instead! Doesn't that sound delicious?

I'm sure it would be...unfortunately that was not meant to be, as the husband has eaten almost all of the cherries. :) (The grocery store across the street has all the dried cranberries in the world, and not a single dried cherry. Harrumph.) So I just went with oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies, as always from Slow Like Honey.


They turned out okay. I see why dried fruit is so much better with an oatmeal recipe. Oats are dry! I didn't even put in the full 3 cups of oats (more like 2 1/2) and they are very oaty. Could have used even more chocolate chips to balance the dry. I still would like to try them again with dried cherries! Today I was out and bought some nutmeg, as I noticed that coming up in other ingredients, and is a pretty common spice for cookies and cakes.

Of course, I made some banana bread also. I only had two large ripe bananas instead of three medium, and I think I can taste a difference. It doesn't seem as dense and moist and banana-y. But still pretty good!

again and again

Last night I had a teaching dream. At first this might not be strange, but then you might remember that I haven't been a teacher in real life for an entire calendar year. It may or may not surprise you that despite the time away, teaching has never strayed very far.

In this dream, I had decided to start teaching again, and I was kind of happy about it. My students were the students I taught last year at Charter Elementary School, but they were two grades older. Later in the dream they morphed into my students at First Charter Middle School. And there was a specific cameo from a quiet girl whose name I couldn't remember. But she knew I was her former teacher and looked upset that I'd forgotten. I scoffed, well, sometimes I hardly remember my own name! She said her name was Sarah. [Later, after I'd woken up, I'd recognize her as one of my students at First Middle School, named Amanda.]

This was not the first teaching dream I've had in the past twelve months. A month or two ago, I dreamt that I was visiting a school (whose staff and students resembled First Charter Middle School, though the building didn't) and ended up interviewing with a male administrator. He seemed impressed with me, so did some female teachers I talked to, and I was happy as I walked out.

Over the months, I've had a number of other dreams where I was teaching, or pretending to teach, or supposed to be teaching.

On June 29 of last year, it was my first day of not ever being a teacher. I felt AMAZING. So happy, light, almost bodily relieved. I felt free.

On June 27 of this year, as I was trying to write a post like this, and looking through old photos of student field trips, I teared up for awhile. I'm not exactly sure why. I miss the kids? They were cute? We had some good times? It's so easy to forget the multitude of bad times. I've even forgotten most of the names of most of the kids.

I remember crying at the end of my second year, because I'd had such a better year than my nightmare first year, with some incredible kids that I was sad to leave. That was the only time I'd been that emotional about ending a student experience. (Oh, and those students graduated from high school this year.) The rest of the years I was exhausted and happy to have made it to summer.

There are so many amazing things about living a non-teacher life, but they're shallow things like sleeping in and not disciplining other people's children. Wait, I guess that's not so shallow? I don't know. Also the not grading papers or making lesson plans all the time. I still see things and have the "ooh, that would be a great classroom project!" thoughts.

There were two boys last year who continue to haunt me--one so much that I can't even say his name out loud. I can still hear his and his mother's voice in my head and occasionally relive the crazy conversations both awake and in dreams/nightmares. Partly because I wonder how I could have/should have dealt with things differently--what kind of difference would that have made? This was a child with serious issues, who made it the problem of everyone around him, and his family lied about the issues and other things, and enabled a lot of the situation. It ended up poisoning the experience of many of us in the class, especially the second student, who decided that he too could be rude, very disrespectful, and utterly, utterly defiant. Since the other one got away with it and everything. (Not because I didn't try every single thing I could, still with zero support.)

Remember that this doesn't include all the other behavior issues that I dealt with from many other students throughout the year. Jesus Christ, when I think about it, I can't believe I survived as well as I did.

It's pretty interesting that so many dreams involve First Charter School--an experience now almost three years in the past. Clearly I am not over it; I haven't forgiven myself for failing.

I took the photo above to symbolize taking a leap into the unknown, in respect to another aspect of my life. But I realized afterward that it fits perfectly into my teaching life. I jumped into that fairly blind; I never wanted to be a career teacher. Four years in, I took a huge, very blind leap into charter schools. And then, feeling like I was on a whole other kind of ledge, I gratefully stepped down. Without a plan, into the abyss of a completely new world.

Teaching is never far from my mind, especially because in this job I work with schools and teachers. Should I go back to teaching someday? Should I have never started teaching in the first place? I just don't know. Vague versions of this go through my mind all the time--and clearly it's weighing heavily on my subconscious.

I know this is all over the place, but so is my head.

Last Weekend

FRIDAY

Union Square Greenmarket

Madison Square Park
Florencia 13

Peanut Butter & Co

Not Pictured: Bridesmaids

SUNDAY

Shake Shack

American Museum of Natural History

MONDAY

Rooftop fireworks

Way to go, American Education!

Heh, you have to know that's sarcasm--has anyone used a line like that in sincerity, ever?

A study was recently done by Marist College, about some super-basic knowledge of American history. "Only 58% of residents know that the United States declared its independence in 1776. 26% are unsure, and 16% mentioned another date."

Even worse: "[F]or the second year, about one in four Americans doesn’t know from which country the United States declared its independence. While 76% correctly cite Great Britain, 19% are unsure, and 5% mention another country."

For both questions, people in the age group 18-29 had the highest percentage of incorrect answers.

No Child Left Behind started in 2001. Sure has done a good job, eh?

you did it!!!

Congratulations, NYC friends!

You made it through another year--way to go!! Happy summer!

blasted from the past

Last week, I spent some time going through my three boxes of film photos, just to see what's there and find some fun ones to scan. (See, I'm in the middle of two other projects, so I needed to find another one. :D)

I saw all kinds of little things I'd forgotten about. Like the time my little brother and I were playing around and he put his big stuffed ninja turtle in his shirt so that it looked like his own legs were green and furry. Or this cool game I had that was sort of like aimed pinball and you made designs. In shots of my old bedroom I was horrified at how messy I was (but...not too surprised), and then noticed the old plastic Rainbow Brite and Care Bears bowls we had. I snapped shots showing the change from my kid room walls (cute kittens and puppies) to teenage walls (my favorite baseball stars, inspirational quotes). One of my favorite shots of my dad, brother, best friend and me, at our beach.

Pictures from my high school graduation with my braces and semi-friends. Pictures from my college graduation with my younger siblings, who have now graduated from high school and college themselves. My kid cousins, who are now successful grown-ups, who I got to know better for a minute while in Seattle earlier this year. A roll of photos taken from my car as I drove down the Oregon and California coast.

Then the next day, I accidentally clicked on a former friend's folder in my email. I ended up reading through all of our exchanges--over four years' worth. This is the friend who dropped me suddenly my second year in NYC. In the pictures I'd gone through, there were a ton of the two of us. We'd sit in my car and laugh about who knows what, and take stupid photos of ourselves. (This is of course from the 35mm days, so most of them are blurry and half our faces are cut off. In a lot of them we look alike, which we always joked about. Something about having glasses and dark hair.) We'd had a lot of fun for a few years and the emails proved that we were actually friends. I still kind of want to know what on earth happened. But I won't.

(Do you keep old correspondence? I have a hard time getting rid of actual things, so it's not surprising that I semi-hoard electronic things. It's an amazing way to get a real glimpse of past iterations of life. Do you count a difference between actual letters and emails?)

Anyway, the first part of that week left me really disoriented for a day or so--the past was swirling around my head and it came back to life briefly.

I wonder where I'll be ten years from now, looking back on this year--my first year of *not* teaching, our first year of marriage. What kinds of progress or change will I have made that I look back on my 31 year old self and shake my head and say, wow, how little she knew! What memories will I have? What moments, big and little, will stick out?

Postcard Project!

Over the past eleven years, I have been collecting postcards. Not just ones that people sent me, but I would always buy a few whenever I traveled somewhere. I'd do some of the sights or of a city, and I would usually buy some of my favorite artworks at museums.

Some postcards ended up in scrapbooks, as a way to represent a lovely place that I couldn't capture myself. Unfortunately, only a few of my trips have been scrapbooked, so most of them were tossed into a drawer when I returned home from a trip. But even a few years ago I knew I wanted to do something with them, to display them somehow. I just couldn't figure out how, without glueing or taping them together. Then what if I had to move? Or what if I wanted to change something?

Enter Photojojo's fotoclips! When I first saw them last year or thereabouts, I knew they would help me do something about all those postcards! But I never got around to ordering them for myself. I strongly hinted to the husband once or twice that I really wanted some, and this month, he finally remembered to order them.

Finally time to do something with all those pretty pictures! First I had to sort through my craft drawers and find all the postcards. Then I organized them into piles by location, and counted them. Finally, I sorted them by orientation (far more landscape than portrait, in case you're interested).


The total? Over three hundred!

Last weekend, we decided to make some 'panels' and went about attaching the postcards together, not in an organized or planned way. Tonight we put them up on the wall of our bedroom!

Then I made two long gallery strips of the museum postcards, for our living room:


I am super excited to get some of these great things out for display, and to finally decorate our walls a bit!

There are tons more postcards, and more empty walls in the living room and kitchen...

no regrets

Last week I saw this article about the top 5 regrets people had on their deathbed. Interesting food for thought.

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

I don't think I've ever had this regret. I've done some amazing things on my own volition, and while there are more things I wish I had done, I'm pretty happy with how I've directed my life and where it's taken me. Planning for the future has never been something I could do; instead things come into my life in random ways and affect decisions and I end up somewhere interesting.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

Thankfully I don't have this regret anymore, since I'm not teaching. But I definitely had it while at First Charter School two school years ago. I was making great money and had absolutely no time or energy to spend it. I never got to see friends and my poor boyfriend was helpless, watching me be exhausted all the time. It made me miserable. Last year, at Charter Elementary School, I was working the same kind of hours, though once the late winter/early spring came around, I refused to spend the extra daylight trapped in my classroom. I was no longer making great money, but I tried to be healthier in having an outside life.

Now I'm working part-time-ish-almost-full-time but for not a lot of money, and I'm totally fine with that. I have freedom, great people at work that I actually get to talk to (unlike all those great teachers I've 'worked with' who I barely get to say hi to in the halls once a week), I don't have to take anything home with me (physically or mentally), and a lot of times work is kind of fun.

I'm at the point in my life where I want to enjoy work but also enjoy life. I kind of feel like a lazy for saying it, but I don't want to work twelve hours a day. I want to have a job that I like with regular hours, so that I can have a real work/life balance.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

I'm pretty good there, I think.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

I've never had tons of friends, and again, in the last couple school years it was difficult to maintain friendships and get-togethers, especially when they did things on weeknights. Which is why one of my goals in 2010 was to be more social. I ended up being quite social, seeing people on most weekends. 2011 has been much quieter, partly because I'm poorer.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have sillyness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

This really resonates with me. Sometimes I'm afraid that I put too much emphasis on what has been or what could be, not what *is*. I feel happiness more in retrospect than in present. I fondly remember all the extra time I had when teaching in a public school. I get nostalgic about our adventures in AmeriCorps. Often I think about how great life will be when we leave New York and move into a cheaper place with a garage and a washer/dryer. But I also want to realize when I enjoy life right here and now. We live in a great apartment, with a beautiful view, and we've slowly starting decorating it. Subways and errands are only a few minutes' walk away. I do know some great people here that I've built a history with. Some elements of life are really easy in New York, though some are much, much harder. I need to work on being in and appreciating the here and now.

I was perusing ye olde blogge archives this morning and was struck by how much I used to post, and that I had things to say. I wish I'd found time to blog more last year while teaching; there was a lot going on and it might have been helpful then and later to have some details to look back upon.

So perhaps I will try (again) to post more often and more meaningfully. I do have thoughts and memories to share.

Personal Goal #1!

Knit or crochet a garment!

I did a few rows of the back the day before we left for Greece, and I finished the pieces while we were in Paros, the second or third to last day of our honeymoon. (I did a lot of crocheting either on the long ferry rides or while half-watching cheesy American movies subtitled in Greek.)


Well after we got home, like a couple weeks later, I 'tried' it 'on'. I'd made the smallest size because I didn't want it to be baggy. Even though the sizes go by bust size and the smallest was definitely too small for me. So when I sort of draped the pieces over me, of course they were too small. But I'd figured this might happen, and I had a plan: I crocheted three rows of sc on both edges of both pieces. It definitely changes the look, but it's not terribly unnatural, I feel. (Originally I thought about doing a contrast color, like black! and doing a border along the bottom. Some friends said no way jose. :D)

This weekend, after all my progress with organizing and decluttering, I was kind of bored and there's nothing on tv lately, so I finally picked up my pieces and started sewing them together.
(Note: I am pretty bad at this. I should go into a LYS for some help on my next project.)

But, I figure I'm the only one seeing it up close, and who knows how much I'll actually wear it, so really, who cares.



I'm still wearing it now, and it's surprisingly warm, without a lot of bulk! I've never been much of a vest person, but come fall, maybe I will be! :)

Most importantly, this was my gateway garment--I proved to myself (with the simplest possible pattern, naturally) that I could make one. So now I am super excited about the prospect of making another, more fitted one! I can do it!

And if you know of any cute patterns, let me know! :)

clean up, clean up, everybody clean up

(Sometimes my students would sing that as we tidied up. I never learned that song, either as a kid or as a teacher. Feel like maybe I missed out. :D)

I have been on a kick lately.

Recently I happened upon some blogs (Small Notebook and Unclutterer) and then an issue of O Magazine, and that finally got me inspired to start organizing and decluttering.

Last weekend and this weekend, I have done a lot of work eliminating unnecessary stuff, and organizing the things that I want to keep.

In one article in the magazine (whose theme was "decluttering your life"), the author joked about buying some pens even though she already had a bunch. That got me to remember the big fabric bin of pens, pencils and markers that have been on my desk for a long time. So I went through every single one and tested them (which created a fun sort of artwork):


These are all the pens and markers that don't work, and pencils with bad erasers. As a teacher, I hoarded pens and pencils, because a teacher is always, always running out of them. But now I can let go!


I've also eliminated almost two feet of books, some old gift baskets, and my old silverware set.


Additionally, I got rid of some old 'art', a collection of Europe photos (top: Rome; middle: Venice, Scotland; bottom: Paris) that I had blown up on foam core after my grand tour in summer 2001. I had them up on my wall in my studio apartment for awhile, but I couldn't figure out a non-damaging-enough way to keep them up. They've been in a pile on a shelf ever since, so I was happy to let them go.

All of this went out on the sidewalk last weekend. I dropped off two bags of clothes and an old suitcase at Goodwill too!

The bookshelves were full enough that they all had piles of books in front of the shelved books. But, I eliminated enough books that there are no more piles! I also finally tackled the shelf in our bedroom, which had piles piled on other piles--books, pictures, old paperwork, all kinds of crap. The top shelves now neatly hold my picture books, photos from film classes, little flip photo albums, maps, old calendars and notebooks, and my grad school diploma is actually visible (instead of hidden behind piles of those things).

Next up for decluttering is magazines. I have National Geographic from 2004 and Smithsonian from 2005. Some older ones have been living in a big plastic bin, and there are six and a half Dokuments full of more recent ones. (For the record, my stepdad had decades' worth of NatGeo, and my dad had a ton also, so it's not surprising that I've also kept mine.) Friends say I should get rid of them.

Recycling them would be criminal. Someone suggested giving them to an art teacher, but that means they'd be all cut up and destroyed! I do like the idea of giving them to a school or public library that could use them.

Yesterday I went through and actually sorted them, and now I am reluctant to part with them at all! Isn't that silly? They're just so full of interesting information and also pretty. What an amazing resource. But...sigh...I know that I can't keep them, since we're in an apartment and also, technically, I don't need them. So I will try to find a good place to donate the issues through 2009. That means they'll have to sit around more, though.

Overall, I am very happy with my progress, and I am excited to continue streamlining my stuff!

June!

Just the word June conjures up warm days, short sleeves, relaxed classrooms, countdowns and vacation plans.

This is only my second June that won't see me in one of those relaxed classrooms. Last June I worked it so that I never taught a full week, because I arranged field trips and a field day, in addition to a planning day, plus a weekend away. The total crazy boy student, along with two troublesome girl students, insisted on being switched to the other class. One of my lowest students just didn't show up for the last three weeks of school. So my group was small and behaved fairly well. We kept the lights off to stay as cool as we could. All that made it a pretty good month. :)

This June things are pretty calm for me. I'm still working with that same company, working with teachers and schools. My hours are flexible and this week seems to be a quiet one. I like having flexibility. Since I'm not making much money, I haven't been very social, to avoid spending too much. It's been a quiet year in many ways.

Since that all feels still a bit temporary, it's difficult to look ahead. We don't really have vacation plans, so we'll have to make our own fun around the city. Like last night, we went into town for a quick dinner and then Manhattanhenge.


I hope your June is off to a happy start, not least because it's a short week!