Two days left.

Today was a short work day for me, because I went to the doctor for a complete physical this morning. That's not an activity I would classify as "fun," but it really wasn't too bad. Although they tell you to fast for the morning, and then they draw blood. Does that seem silly to anyone else? Wouldn't everyone pass out or at least feel pretty damn woozy? Anyway.

The rest of my work day felt like, 'let's find something to do, lalala....' Not like there weren't tons of things to do, but to be at the point where I'm rooting around for a task, it feels kind of pathetic. I guess I was getting used to being beyond busy. I feel like a temp again. A knowledgeable temp who knows what to do, but still, a temp. I have become invisible; I'm being phased out while I'm still there. It's a little depressing.

Woo!! But wait, I will get to that in a bit.

I walked into work this morning (the last week!!) and found that I was being moved to the front desk until Friday. I felt kind of insulted, like I was being demoted and punished for daring to leave. But I reminded myself to be reasonable (I just wrote "reasonal" and it took a few seconds to click that it wasn't right, ha) and logical; it doesn't make sense to get me involved with files to fund and such. Things have come full circle--I will end my mortgage career in the same way it began. It was disappointing to leave the team that I've been with (in various incarnations) since last May, but the front desk isn't too bad. It's a lot calmer in one sense, and a lot crazier in another. It's just different. Anyway, today sped by like a monkey (hee), for which I was grateful. I went for a wonderful walk at lunch and that was quite nice, it was pleasant outside and I felt pretty good.

Checking email after I got home, I had a message that I was granted an interview in New York City, for the teaching fellowship, and the email urged me to get it done in the next three weeks. Woo!! So as not to be too rash, I went to the workout, which felt great, and then came home and bought my ticket. I leave this upcoming Sunday, late at night, and will return the next Sunday, also late at night.

So now I am all giddy and high. I get a week to lounge about New York, visit people I don't see often, and just relax. Then I shall come back and find a job, even a silly temporary one. There are options for me for the next few months, I must be calm and let them come to me. Ommm.

Woo! Four days left of work, a weekend to have fun and then another vacation. Whee!

I forgot this bit: we went to a Chinese restaurant on Friday before the bar and the chopsticks came in a paper packet with this written on it (verbatim):
Welcome to Chinese Restaurant.
Please try your Nice Chinese Food with Chopsticks.
the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history
and culture.
That made me giggle, maybe it will make you giggle too.

Oh! I finally added the rest of the good Paris pictures to my website, click here to find them.

We got through the end of the month madness, mostly intact. My poor tummy was all in a tizzy all day Friday, which made working not so fun or easy. I did get to go home a bit early and spent the evening resting and reading.

So, Friday night. I ended up joining the outgoing for karaoke with most of the old Alpha gang; it was fun to have so many of us in one place again. Unfortunately, there was a brawl and some of the guys were caught in it and got hurt. It was scary, all loud and scuffly and violent. Eventually everyone was okay again, which is all that matters, but phew, what a crazy evening it ended up being.

Today was a good lazy day. I slept til noon and watched tv all day, did nothing productive. No, wait, I lied, I WAS productive, briefly. I worked on my application essays, submitted the teaching one and prepared as much of the other one as possible. (My silly printer kept me from printing the necessary documents.) That was a bit of a relief, and although, truth be told, I feel like there's no way I'll get an offer on either of these positions, at this point I need to just apply anyway. I also spent some time going through my photo boxes and picking out some pretty pictures to add to the living room gallery.

I love having a weekend. Not to sound like too much of a lazy sack of crap, but I'm looking forward to having an extended "weekend" after this week. I know I will get bored and lonely soon enough with nothing to do and nowhere to go, but for now it sounds divine.

Blech, my tummy hurts. It hurt yesterday, too. Today was alright, but I had a headache emanating from my eyeballs. The end of this job is so near, and yet so very far. I can't wait to never think about loan files ever again! However, since my leaving was announced, lots of people have given me pep talks of sorts. It's nice. It helps to remind me that I AM doing the right thing, I'm not just being selfish and lazy.

Wait, it's Wednesday? I am all disoriented. I have got some work done on my essays, but I haven't done anything with them today. At the beginning of last week, I told myself that I wanted to have them finished by Monday. As in, three days ago. Oops. I suppose I'll settle for trying to finish them this weekend. And of course, with all things written, there is no "finished," it's just a matter of deciding it's fine and stop worrying about it already. I like that part, being done with it and knowing that it's been submitted or what have you. For being such a lazy, slobby bum, I enjoy ticking things off of lists, the "thrill" of a completed task. I don't balk at procrastinating when it comes to cleaning the bathroom, though, I do have my standards. Mostly they are reading and sleeping and some tv watching.

Today was a pretty good day, for a Monday, especially the Monday beginning the last week of the month (which is always insane in the mortgage industry). In a team meeting this morning, I announced that I'm leaving. They were all shocked, and then my boss, among others, said some very nice things about me, which felt good. :) As far as work went, I felt fairly productive, because I finished one pile and there was only one (gigantor) pile that I ignored. Woohoo. And I brought some files home tonight so that I can rack up more overtime.

In other news, I worked on my application essays last night, while Johnny Depp answered stupid questions asked by James Lipton and his audience. We stole the "free" newspaper that hangs around our hallway, so there are classifieds to look through. So I'm making some progress, slow but sure. The more I think about it, I am loving the road trip idea for later this spring...we'll see what happens. Maybe talking about it will help me follow through better, because I talk a big game sometimes and don't have much to show for it.

I started reading a book called "The Good People of New York" today and I really like it. I have also been getting to know the new Norah Jones album and I like that too.

I'm trying to be positive. Is it working?

Crap, I've got to run to Bodyflow. See ya.

Good afternoon! It's definitely nearing springtime here in the Pacific Northwest, yesterday and today have been sunny, breezy days. I just got back from a two-hour walk around lovely Renton. I went into the new Sam's Club for the first time, it really is just a small Costco made from Wal-Mart. Anyway, I bought some shampoo and conditioner but, since they only have boxes, I had to carry the bottles home, one in each hand. Like a ghetto dumbbell. Oh well, it really is gorgeous being outside.

I had been looking forward to summertime walks at work, but now I shall have to come up with another plan, because ideally I will be living in another state come true summer. Only two weeks left to soak up the good things about work, and then I can forget it altogether. I can't wait. There are all these plans running around in my head about the next few months. For instance, today I thought about that road trip that I've been craving. I could save up money and then in late April head out across the country: visit friends, make it to TrailBlazers for Operation Muscle, goof around for a couple weeks and head to Perry Point for the NCCC 10th anniversary celebration. I'd been thinking that I wouldn't be able to afford either of those trips, let alone both, but maybe I can do it. Get a quickie money-earning job, move home, and save up for a classic American adventure.

Or maybe I'll just get trapped in another boring temp job and never leave Seattle again. That better not happen.

For those who are curious, the name of this blog comes from a (most-excellent, if I do say so) mix CD I created recently. Here is the song list:
*Shades of Grey--Cry, Cry, Cry
*Guilty--Bonnie Raitt
*Tempted by the Fruit of Another--Squeeze
*The Downeaster Alexa--Billy Joel
*One Day I'll Fly Away--Moulin Rouge soundtrack
*Seasons of Love--Rent soundtrack
*The Water is Wide--Sarah McLachlan, Jewel, Dixie Chicks
*Son of a Preacher Man--Marianne Faithful
*Seven--Prince
*Low--Kelly Clarkson
*Freedom--Wham
*Center of the Sun--Conjure One f/ Poe
*Tears from the Moon--Conjure One f/ Sinead O'Connor
*Think Twice--Groove Armada
*Little Plastic Castle--Ani Difranco
*The Wild Rose--Nick Cave f/ Kylie Minogue
*Sistersong--Ani Difranco, Tori Amos, Paula Cole
*Grey--Ani Difranco
*Colourblind--Counting Crows

Welcome! Here is a new blog that will be easier to navigate. Visit my main site to learn more about me and see pictures. Ideally, this site will be updated more often, with more details and/or interesting tidbits. Enjoy!

02/21/04: So I did it, I put in my two weeks yesterday. I was jittery all day long. It's unreal to think about the reality of this. I just keep reminding myself to grit my teeth and DO IT, ALREADY. People around me are being wonderfully supportive, which really helps when I need affirmations.

This morning I went to an acupuncturist. It was an interesting experience. The needles weren't too bad, at worst it was a pinch when one went in. But once in, I didn't feel them. However, after they were in, I was instructed to take a nap for 40 minutes to let them work or whatever. I was wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants rolled up to the knees, and after about ten minutes I started feeling really cold. I felt helpless and hopeless and I started to cry. It was sort of silly, but I really hate being cold, and I had to just lie there, I couldn't move or do anything to get warmer. Then the crying got worse, because I've been so stressed out for the past month straight, with headaches everyday and my neck/back/shoulders has been a solid wall of pain this week. I'm quite possibly premenstrual, but sometimes things just pile up in my head until a small thing makes everything tumble on down. The acupuncturist finally came in to check on me, and I said all tearfully, I'm cold, I'm really cold. She was great, she turned the heater on my feet and put a towel on my torso and warmed my hands with hers. I cried a bit more after that but then I finally started to relax.

My neck/shoulders did feel better after the treatment. The tension was gone and my head felt lighter, or something. Unfortunately, it still feels knotty and full of kinks. I need a friend who is willing to rub my back.

I was so tired the past two days. I didn't sleep as long as I wanted to last night, and just awhile ago I lay down on the floor with a blanket and a pillow and dozed off. It felt pretty nice but I made myself get up so now I'm still groggy.

Weekends hold so much promise for me: time to sleep in, to relax, to do nothing, to do whatever I want, to 'catch up' with whatever I imagine I should be doing with my time. But most of the weekend I spend alone in my apartment, watching tv or reading things on the net, generally wasting my time and feeling lonesome and introspective and melancholy. I went through a period quite recently wherein I convinced myself that people liked me and enjoyed being around me (this isn't meant to sound conceited, it just means that whenever I was in a social situation, my inner monologue wasn't constantly telling me how boring/annoying/dumb/whatever I am, and how much all the other people couldn't wait to get away from me). However, this week apparently marks the end of that. Last weekend I joined a road trip to Vancouver at only two days' notice, and I had a great time. Road trips are great adventures and even though the weather was crap, it was fun to explore a new city. However, as I drove home, I couldn't help thinking that the other six people were breathing a sigh of relief at me finally being gone. Last night I was at a friend's place, with a big group of people I didn't know. That wasn't so much the problem as the noise--at any given time there were at least eight people talking at once. The space wasn't nearly big enough to accomodate that, and I felt completely overwhelmed, aurally and emotionally. I just could not deal with the noise; it was so loud it made me feel I was actually becoming deaf.

So the moral of the story is this?: I am tired and lonely. I can pretend at being all sophisticated and profound, but I'm just tired and lonely. Beyond trite.

02/19/04: I hate my job. I hate my job, I hate my job, I hate my job. Tomorrow I am submitting my two weeks' notice. I am scared and nervous and so relieved to be almost finished with this job. This is big, people. I have no plan, no job lined up, and I can only definitely survive one month with no income. However, this job is far too much energy and stress and time for being something that frankly, I don't care about. My heart isn't in it, I've been doing this just for money, essentially. I'm done with that, so from now on I will work in a field that I feel I am doing something worthwhile. I'm working on three applications in those fields right now, that I want to submit as soon as possible. Even so, my life is a blank for potentially the next eight months, at least. That will certainly be an adventure. Today I almost doubted myself, but I sternly reminded myself that just yesterday I was sobbing in the car, thinking about heading back to the office. The next two weeks will be insanely busy, more than busy, because it will be the end of the month, and then after that we have to deal with the carnage from the end of the month. The only way I'm going to get through that is thinking about never having to work there again. I'm a little sad to think of it, because I've really enjoyed my colleagues and even some of the business partners. But I HATE MY JOB.

In other news, I am feeling nicely toned and lean this week. Figures, because I may have to cancel my gym membership if I have no job.

02/08/04: Well, the promotion is exciting and everything, but holy cow, it is STRESSFUL. This job never ends. I'm not spending all my time at work, but I never get to leave at 5:15 anymore, either. And somehow the regular eight-hour day is filled to the freaking brim. One day feels like an entire week. Either I'll get better and it, or bored with it, or just have a heart attack and be done with it.

I really don't have a life, still, but I am managing to keep working out three or so nights a week, plus my daily walks of two to three miles. I am also broke this month, so no shopping or extraneous spending for me. I think once I get the midmonth paycheck I should be caught up and be able to start scraping away a little for savings. I've been steadily depleting it for awhile now and it makes me nervous.

Because I am so broke, from paying off Christmas and then going to Paris and then paying off Paris, I am thinking I may not be able to afford Operation Muscle in May (at TrailBlazers, surely you remember). In addition, I would love to attend the NCCC 10th anniversary celebration in Perry Point in early June. However, I am pretty certain I cannot afford two cross-country long weekends within weeks of each other. Perhaps I cannot afford even one. I think I need to convince myself right now that I can't do either, and then later maybe I'll have more money and can surprise myself with them.

I can't wait for another vacation. I can't wait to drive around the country, visiting friends and new places, with no deadlines or needs other than food and shelter.

01/29/04: So. It's been a week and a half that I've been home. It feels way longer, which means I have forgotten the joy and freedom of being abroad. It means I have succumbed to the banality of a routine life.

However, I do have good news, on the "banal life" front: I got a promotion! I am no longer an assistant, I shall now be a funder/closer. This means I have more files, more duties, more stress and more time to be at work. So far (the last three days) it has been pretty good, very busy, but exhilarating. And I shall look forward to receiving overtime pay.

Speaking of pay, I received a Form 1099 (from the credit union that holds my car loan) in the mail today, so that I can file my interest income of THREE CENTS. That made me laugh.

Not yesterday but the day before, I went on my walk at lunch as usual. The sky was blue and it was balmy, almost warm. So I set out sans hat, coat or gloves. It was lovely. I was reminded of how happy it made me to go walking last summer, basking in the sunshine, singing and dancing on the trails, completely forgetting about work and real life.

19/01/04: I am home now. Boo.

Look at me trying to type on a French keyboard! The trip ended better than Friday started. Over the weekend I met some more fun Australians, and I explored more of the city. I took a couple walking tours, went to the currency museum, etc etc. It was SO COLD. Really really cold. I couldn't feel my face for all of Sunday.

Got up at 7am today and headed for the airport, which was insane of course. The nine hour flight in coach was just thrilling...mostly I slept. The four hour flight from Dallas felt super cramped and I was anxious and sleepy, and I'd already finished the one book I had with me. I got through about twenty pages of a French student version of the Three Musketeers. But I just kept drifting off to sleep.

Now I am at home. It was weird walking in the door, the place looked different. But as I looked around, nothing had actually changed. It was nice, but surreal, to see all my stuff here. Had a lovely, non-button shower, finally took all the stuff out of the suitcase I've been living in for a week. I don't know. It is always nice to return to one's own bed and such, and it will be nice to see family and friends again. But holy cow, it's only been a week! It honestly feels like my trip was a lot longer than a week, though. When you travel, you do so much stuff everyday that each day passes fairly quickly. But in order to remember a few days back, you have to go through the catalog of everything you've been doing, so it seems longer than just a few days. Does that make sense?

16 Jan 2004: Okay, you can have the oyster back.

I am in Paris again. Yesterday was my full day of guided tours, first by bus in Brussels, then to Bruge for the afternoon. The former was lame and the latter was great. Brussels is interesting, and parts are very pretty. Bruge (you know, I'm not really sure how to spell it...) was lovely. Small, quaint cobblestone streets, several lovely churchtowers and a gorgeous market square. I climbed the belfry tower and the view was breathtaking. And yes, I felt the burn. Woo!

This morning I slept in...ah, wonderous. Ooh, did I mention the beautiful shower at the Brussels hotel? Oh it was perfect and amazing. Anyhoo, caught the noon train back to Paris, arrived back at the button-shower hostel, and did laundry and then went shopping. Holy cow. Talk about mad cow disease. No, I'm not sure what that meant. But people were everywhere and lines were long. It was exhilarating and frustrating at the same time.

It's gotten to that dangerous point in the trip, where the end is nigh and so one has to start thinking of it. It's only two full days left til I go back to home and work, but again, that is two entire days! Do you see what I mean here?

14/01/04: Look at that, I'm picking up Euro-isms all over the place. And it's Wednesday, I'm pretty sure, so that means my trip is already halfway over. But I'm trying not to think about it like that. So would the optimist version of that say it's half begun? Weird.

Tuesday I began with an eclair au chocolat (finally!) and then a walking tour of the Marais (the Jewish district, home of the Place des Vosges). It was lovely and educational, the guide was wonderful, and the rain wasn't even a problem. Anyone who is planning a visit to Paris or London should go on a walking tour, check them out. There is a Rome equivalent, whose name is escaping me, that is also excellent. Hurrah for walking tours. Then the bulk of my day (five hours of the afternoon) was spent at the Musee d'Orsay. It was incredible and huge. It just kept going and going. Also, I attended a concert at Notre Dame in the evening, which was just incredible.

Today, I am pleased to report, you will find me in Brussels. It's quite interesting, but only when you're in the centre of the town, which is where you find the Grand Place and environs. I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going, but I'm remaining patient and good things are happening. I happened into a museum of chocolate this afternoon, for instance.

I booked into a small hotel today, the room is TEENSY, but it's a bed, plus a bathroom en suite. That's what matters. And there's even a TV; I can watch Euro-MTV tonight!

12 Jan 2004: That link said Zelco,e to Pqris1 7no; thqtùs not q typo0

Welcome to paris! (no, that's not a typo)

Hurrah for new keyboards!

I am here! I was even fairly awake all day yesterday (for those who didn't hear, I left at 11:30 (but actually it was 1) on Saturday and arrived (on time) in Paris at 11am. I checked in to the hostel and took for a walk for the rest of the afternoon, from Opera (in the 8th I think) back to the hostel in the 5th. I took the mother of all naps around five, passing out and then waking up at nine and not sure what day I was in. Anyway, had a fairly normal night last night.

Today had a leisurely breakfast of orange juice and a demi-baguette, and then spent a few hours at the Centre Pompidou. Went shopping and then saw a film, called Happy End, at the underground mall, Les Halles. It rather wore me out. I meant to go back out and to the Louvre this evening, but oops, oh well. Tomorrow am planning on attending a walking tour and then visiting the Musee d'Orsay.

I love being in Paris! The smells, even the icky ones, remind me that I'm really here, and that I love it. I wish I had more time to visit other places; everyone else here (well, in the hostel) is Australian or American and all have buckets of time to visit all over Europe. It's strange being a "grown-up" around all these younger student types.

Anyway, now I am tired and need a shower. I'm glad I like adventure, because the showers are just weird. It's a button. Bonne nuit!

01/06/04: It's a snowstorm! Stacey drove us to work, but hardly anyone was there, so the boss let us all go home! Woo!! The snow is blowing and drifting and making it difficult to drive on the empty streets...it's so lovely.

So I leave in just a few days. Yikes, I'm not sure that I feel prepared. I went out and got some things for the trip. I got a trio of camp silverware, so that I can be my own moveable feast. And some packing things will be delivered this week, I hope. Last night I drove into Seattle to get my student/youth ID, which will save me money. I don't know if I have the right clothes, or enough clothes. Winter clothes are heavier and bigger than summer clothes. I may only have room for three outfits. Then again, I am planning on shopping when I get there. Here's to hoping for post-holiday season sales in the big department stores! Does anyone want presents, anything in particular? A scarf, a snowglobe, an artist's rendering of the night-lit Seine?

01/03/04: Is there anything more bittersweet than reading old love letters?

01/01/2004: Happy New Year! I hope that everyone had a good time ringing in 2004.

I get to leave a week from Saturday! That doesn't sound like a long time at all. I feel like I should be preparing, like sorting out the clothes and things I will take with me. Ooh, I am excited. This part, the anticipation, the preplanning, is always the hardest. It's too easy to overthink things. Especially since I'll basically only be gone a week, I have to force myself to calm down and quit worrying about buying the right clothes and accessories. I am hoping to be a little more spontaneous on this trip, but if that doesn't work out, oh well. Thinking about a day-tour to the Loire Chateaux, a morning (at least) spent in Chartres, a couple days in Brussels, plenty of time to wander museums, and a day or two flaner: an archaic French term meaning to meander the city, not exactly aimlessly, but for exploring, lazily, indulgently. The sort of day where you people watch, eat street vendor treats, stroll casually down the Champs Elysees or the back streets near your hotel, sketching, photographing, envisioning that the entire city exists for your sole pleasure.

With all this contemplation of this fast-approaching adventure, my mind is more and more drawn to thinking about my next adventure. Since I don't have money for extended travel, I am planning to move to another area of the US and get a new and different job. It is thrilling and scary and uncertain, but necessary. I am not complacent, but just plain bored with my job. I am seeking a new place for myself, where I am challenged to learn entirely new things, meet entirely new people, create a fulfilling adult life.