Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Going under

Good lord, it's been a week since all of this started in earnest. And already it's getting to me.

I just feel completely out of it--unprepared, forgetful, anxious, bored, sleepy. There's so much to do, even more to remember to do for later, and as the summer progresses ever so slowly, the time available to do these things keeps shrinking.

There is a poem assignment due next week. I have no poetry books here. I had a decent selection at home, but of course they are sitting in boxes in the barn. I'm sitting in a library right now, but it's not like there's tons of free time to look around. I had thought of using Poe's Annabel Lee for my analysis. But the prof just told us that this assignment is to be a model for our future classes, and thus needs to be appropriate to share with small children. Poe is definitely not appropriate. So apparently now I have to find a poem that I can relate to in a happy manner. Happy? Me? Are you kidding? Are you sure I should be here? I'm beginning to think I won't make it to the fall.

Last night was a big placement fair, open to the entire city. I went, but didn't even make it to the building because I met some classmates on the street. They are assigned to the same region I am, and there was only one school at the fair from that region. There was already a long line and they weren't accepting resumes anymore. So that was a bust. I don't know how to get a placement. I know absolutely nothing about Queens, so it's not like I can just walk around the area (which is freaking huge, by the way, and not all easily accessible by public transportation) looking for elementary schools that are hiring. I know I'm the only one in this situation, but I'm just feeling so lost. And it's just getting worse.

I've been assigned to a school out in the middle of nowhere, Queens. Actually in a place called St Albans. On the map it's really close to the eastern border of the city. WAY out there. Sigh. I may have a pretty hellish commute this summer!

One of the hardest things is not having internet access at home. Such a pain in the ass. All of the correspondence from the Fellowship is through email. All of the Advisor sessions require downloaded and printed forms from the Fellow website. I'm making best friends with my copy card.

I think that the way things are going, I'm going to start crying any hour now. I feel myself getting myself more desperate and lost and unsure of everything. I don't even have anyone to talk to! No roommate, no good friends in New York that know what's going on with this stuff, no real friends yet in the program, nothing. Fuck fuck fuck. Yeah, crying any minute now.

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