Monday, September 04, 2006

Trying to Believe It

I want to put my head in the sand and shriek, "I can't see you! Lalala! There's no school starting any time! Lalala! Can't see you!"

I'm nervous.

My first year was really tough in part because I was coming into a situation that was already set up. So in a way, some of the toughness didn't feel like my fault.

My second year and this year, I am really nervous because the situation is only what *I* make it. Last year it worked; I worked. I ended up loving my kids and feeling like I was doing my job well. The kids did their jobs well.

This year I'm worried about the kids. What if last year was a fluke because the kids were extra good? I had two very smart classes and one average class; I don't know if I really reached the average class.

So what if these groups are more like my first year? Those students, individually, were mostly sweet, if not highly skilled. Together though, they jelled into pains in the behind, who talked and talked back all too often, without doing work.

What if I got spoiled last year and my behavior management won't be good enough? What if I've lost whatever I thought I had? What if *I'm* not good enough?

I'm also anxious because of scheduling changes this first week. There will be lockdown for testing and whatnot three of the days, which means that I won't see the classes an equal amount of time, in terms of having them for a regular class. My afternoon class I will see an extra period a week anyway, and this week I'll see them two or three periods more than the others. I'm not sure what I should do with that extra time. If I move ahead with my scheduled activities, I'll be on different pages with each class. And that makes me anxious by itself, keeping track of who has done what.

I have a big table with plans for the entire month of September, which I'm pretty proud of. Who knows if I'll actually do everything when I planned to, but I feel good about having so much planned. If anything takes too long or too little, I can move ahead or take longer without worrying.

All last week I slept poorly. This weekend it sort of seems like I've caught up, but I just know that the anxiety will really manifest itself while I'm attempting to rest.

Tomorrow is really the first day of school. Oh my god. I think at this point I just want to get it over with so I can stop fretting and freaking out!

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