Sunday, March 21, 2004

What in the world am I doing?
Oh god. I hate being unsure of what is going to happen to me, this entire "transition period" when my whole life is in limbo. I am now preparing myself to be moved out of my apartment in the next ten days. I'm just now getting the mental, but really soon it's gonna get physical: I have to pack up half a kitchen, an entire bathroom, all my furniture, clothes, books, computer desk, plus all the random crap that I have that just takes up space. I hate moving. Really. Especially when I move home, because I know that I will, hopefully sooner rather than later, just be moving OUT again. I hate moving.

I thought, hoped that all this juvenile stuff was over--that I would be a grownup finally, with a real job, a place to call my own, a reasonable social life. But I've just been playing at it, I'm twenty-four years old and I feel like a teenager. How can I be successful if I don't have any clear idea what I'm trying to do? If I have no money? If I get stuck working temp jobs or have to go back to food service just to pay the bills? Is this whole thing just ridiculous? What the fuck do I think I'm trying to pull off here?

There's so many possibilities, ways things could happen, it's too much to think about. Everything hinges on something else happening or not happening. It's hard to look for jobs if you think you may be leaving the state in as little as two months. Or what if I change my mind, in terms of which option I like? What if I get something that maybe I don't really want? Do I just take it and be grateful? What if I don't get any of the jobs or opportunities that I want? What if there's nothing out there for me at all? What if I do this for the rest of my lame little life? When do I know to give up? How long do I leech off the parental residence? Will I spend the rest of time in a mindless excuse for a job? Should I go back to the mortgage industry, where I like some of my coworkers but end up in tears every once in awhile at the prospect of a normal Monday morning? Why in the world am I doing this? There's no way I can be successful at real life, in the real world.

Welcome to my dark side, friends.

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