Do you know who you are?

Would you pick yourself out of a crowd? What sort of person are you? Do you ever wonder that secretly you're not actually okay?

Me, I honestly don't know much about myself. Sometimes I think I'm pretty decent or whatever, but then I catch myself being really catty and petty. Like, my classroom isn't really all mine; another teacher comes in to teach social studies during my preps. At three, a YMCA school group is in my room. I want to stomp my feet and holler, it's MINE! Go away, this is MY ROOM!

I'm not at a full-fledged breakdown, but I'm definitely past the tip of the iceberg. Today I finally met some resource people--a teacher center person (who says she will help me with my bulletin board!) and the literacy coach. They got into all the details of what I need to have in my classroom and what I need to do. See, I still don't know what all of it is, or how the hell to do it. It's all very new-age and stuff, so it's not like I could rely on my own memories of school (if I had any useful ones). So, while I was thrilled and relieved to discover some people who can help me, it also made me despair at all that I lack.

This week, I had nothing. Nada. Nothing to teach, nothing to teach WITH, no materials, not nearly enough space, NOTHING. They threw me in a room filled with rowdy eleven-year-olds. Sure, I got some handouts on the workshop model. But you have to teach students how to be in the workshop periods, and I have nothing to teach them! I am completely clueless. I'd thought that the week went fairly well, for what I had to deal with, and honestly, I still do, I guess. But I can't even tell you how much I should be doing next week. Most of it is stuff that is still unclear to me, or just plain vague. "Teach a minilesson on picking a book." WTF? You just pick a book. Ha, yeah right. There's a fucking "strategy" for EVERYTHING now. Stupid Vygotskyian hippies at the department of ed.

So yeah, there's your answer for what kind of person I am. I can fake it, but I can only take so much pressure, then I completely collapse.

To make things more "exciting" (remember how quotations=sarcasm?), the pay is absolutely ridiculous. I'm supposedly making this great salary; I WILL NET TWO GRAND A MONTH. That is fucking bullshit. I DARE you to advocate for a goddamn billion-dollar football stadium. Football stadium in the middle of midtown Manhattan? Are you nuts? Of course, all the people with money (namely the Mayor and the Jets-DUH) are gung-ho; they only stand to get more money. How about you take that billion dollars and use it to teach your kids? Oh, right, YOUR kids go to private academies! Because REGULAR TEACHERS GET PAID NOTHING, SO THE SCHOOLS SUCK! All the regular people move out of the city so they can get a decent education.

Circle of life: Put no money in the system, nothing comes out. It pisses me off to no end. You probably can tell, huh. It sort of feels like it's a big thing for show, like oh look at our democratic process! We're not looking for money, we...want the Olympics here! Right, the Olympics! Go, America, etc! See, it's not greed, it's national pride! And world peace! No, it's totally not about the money I stand to earn! And who cares if people get displaced and/or disturbed--not to mention the TRAFFIC--for the next five hellish years of construction? MONEY! Er--I mean, GOD BLESS THE USA!

There, I know who I am: I don't take bullshit from the conservative right-wing rich.