Saturday, October 02, 2004

Oh god, here comes the breakdown

So I feel like I can't do this. I have no resources! I'm supposed to have a school-based mentor, AND a city mentor. The whole reason I did the Fellows program was for the support and comeraderie. There is no support, anywhere.

I'm not supposed to have more than thirty students in my room (one class is 31, the bad one is 35!). I don't know how to do the things they want taught. I can't get my students to shut the hell up so that I can talk, let alone teach. There is no room to move them when they are repeatedly disruptive.

Surely I feel overwhelmed, but it's deeper than that. It's like drowning, but worse. Like, drowning while in a swimming race. You're still expected to get to the finish line, even though you aren't in the right-size pool, you're wearing clothes instead of a swimsuit, you don't have goggles, you've never had a coach tell you how to do the stroke you're competing in, and the other racers are using your lane but still ignoring you. No one is helping you with anything, but you will be PUNISHED if you don't get to the finish line. If you can even find it. Don't forget that even while you're flailing, you're getting more and more broke.

Broke financially, and I think today I've finally broken mentally. I don't even know if I can function tomorrow, a Sunday. Monday is just going to be scary--thirteen hours straight through or something insane like that. God, how can I do this?! Right now I can't even tell you how desperately hopeless I feel.

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