Thursday, May 19, 2005

Gr. Argh.

Because I am karma's bitch, neither of the doses of two different medicines I took worked last night, so I was all congesty. AND I just couldn't sleep. I was wide-fucking-awake until 12. Then I pretended to sleep--really just laying there and tossing and turning--for four hours. SUCKS to be me.

I went back to school this morning, feeling like a Monday all over again, but really, it was Thursday. Gotta love that. Still felt a bit unsteady and lightheaded at times, but I reminded myself that if I'd been at school yesterday, it would have been much worse, and not pretty. I tried to eat a bit more, and actually drink water. We'll see if it works or not.

I forgot to mention that I am confirmed to keep my job for next year. We won't find out our assignment (not an actual program, just grade and subject, I think) for another few weeks.

In other good news, my slacker ways combined with a strict teacher just may result in the first C type grade since that pre-cal freshman year--EIGHT years ago. And now I'm in a master's program with an existing 3.85 cumulative. How's that for lowered standards? I feel bad, and sad, and disappointed in myself, but surely I brought some of it on. I'm pulling for a B-, which would still really suck; but if the prof gives me a C+ I'd like to fight it. The turning point for this stupid class came at the beginning of the semester when the research project just didn't gel with my situation. I talked to her about it on numerous occasions, letting her know I didn't have access to small children, also offering/asking/suggesting several times if I could do something else, write another paper, what have you. So I finally turned the thing in this week, two months late. Since she takes points off for lateness, I'd love to still get a 10/15, but I'm thinking she might give me something more like a 5.

Part of me cares. Most of me is like, "Thank the lord this semester is OVER! Who gives a shit anymore?!"

As things go, I don't want to stay in New York past my two-year commitment. I've been told by everyone that the first year living in New York is horrible, and I've been told by even more people that the first year teaching is a living hell. I would have to agree with both of those statements. And I'm just so done with it all. I'm tired of being new and clueless and fucking stranded all the time. Not knowing anyone or anything.

I want to be in familiar surroundings. I don't want to work. I want to have the freedom of driving to the grocery store--anytime I want. To buy things like a 20 pound bag of potatoes, or something else heavy and/or terribly awkward to haul on a train/bus/half a mile down the street.

Gotta do the road trip. Gotta do the road trip. Need to have my own transporation. Can't wait to NOT be a first-year teacher anymore. Fuck this shit, man. I am tired. I don't even do anything, but I'm just exhausted, physically and mentally.


Ms. H said...

Are you happy about keeping your position at your school? Good luck and hang in there!

Fred said...

Congrats on making it through the first year. I'm in my third year after making a career change, and trust me, it’s a whole lot easier in the second year.

I put up a link to you so I remember to check in - feel free to stop by my blog every so often.

Five more days left for me - then I'm out for the summer!