Friday, April 29, 2005

Night Noise

Of a sort.

While in Las Vegas, each night I had anxious or depressing dreams. One night, it was a whole series. Starting with my Amerifriends (who weren't really themselves), going on to my old colleagues at the office, to my current colleagues at school, and to my friends at school, they all hated me. They all thought I was horribly annoying and none of them could stand me. It was awful. I was crying, cursing, lashing out, lost in total desperation. In actual body, I teared up while sleeping. Does that happen to other people?

Not last night but the one before, I had another math dream. It was the case where I'd been 'taking' a math course all semester, but not really paying attention, and never doing homework, and generally not giving a shit. But then it's the end of term, and there's a test, and I somehow have to be responsible for all that knowledge. And of course, I have no clue, and I'm running around, freaking out like nobody's business, feeling awful and out of control and desperate and scared and hopeless and jittery. Again, horrible.

When I was in the process of waking up, I really had to concentrate about the classes that I am for real taking right now. I had to consciously remind myself that math was last semester, and we didn't actually DO any math. I did not skip any homework (well, not any math problem homework, anyway).

On a slightly happier, and more grown-up, note, both of my tax returns have now come in! How I Heart Direct Deposit! The federal return actually arrived BEFORE my vacation, incredibly. So I socked away $500 in my regular savings and allowed myself to not freak about money in Vegas. This week my state return arrived, and I used it to pay off one of my credit cards. Over the summer--moving expenses of all sorts, getting into a new apartment, buying classroom things--I racked up about $1000 on each of my two cards, and have been paying $200 each month, but also occasionally charging another $200. As of today, one was at 5-something, and the other at 6-something. I paid the whole balance of the 5-something one, and I figure in the next two or three months, finish up the 6-something card. Wahoo!

From there, I shall only charge what I can pay off right away. Or, um, just not charge a lot. Because I'll have to charge things like school supplies and textbooks for school. School is fucking expensive, yo. Anyway, while chatting about cars and stuff over brunch, I figured out that if I'm not paying $400 a month in credit cards, then I can afford my car payment and insurance!

My friends, the cross-country road trip is BACK ON!

Ahem. For August. Maybe.

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