My breaking point

So I haven't heard anything from the landlord of the pretty place. I kept my phone in my pocket all day, occasionally double checking I didn't miss something. A few minutes ago I left a message for her.

I went home after school and found a 'final notice' postcard from the post office, that I had a parcel. Strange since I didn't get a first notice, but whatever. I drove there (more on that in a sec) and parked. Of course the line took thirty minutes to get through, and I only put in one quarter--twenty minutes' worth--in the meter. Naturally, I got a ticket. Only $35, but still; just keep piling those sticks into the fire set up under my feet. (As in 'at the stake', not 'the fire in my belly that's encouraging me to persevere.)

Got home and there's a notice about a TRIAL from the Asshole Landlord. What nerve!

Also found out that my roommate/subleaseperson may not give me my deposit back, since I didn't give 30 days' notice. Well well well. First, I never signed a lease with her, so I don't know if that would stand legally. Second, and I replied with this, I would only move because of this unacceptable living situation. Third, this would really screw me up. That's a thousand dollars! We're supposed to be getting December rent back, if her lawyer ever gets off his ass to do anything about this unfuckingbelievably stupid situation we're all stuck in.

On the 16th, we're supposed to get our back pay and first check with the new salary. I heard from older teachers that the backpay may not actually arrive for all of us, or something depressing like that. There's another thousand dollars (or so; knowing the kind of luck I have, it'll be like $500).

Today a letter arrived from AmeriCorps about my education award money. It was sent to my college the week of Thanksgiving. Which means it better be in my hot little hands really soon. I called the bursar's office and she said it was there and with the accountants. So I can possibly hope to get it by next Friday, but who knows.

Oh yeah. Remember how stupid and clumsy I can be? And that everything has to be done by CANDLELIGHT? Well, on Monday night I think, I tried to step out of the shower but caught my last two left toes on the metal track thing. Hoo boy, did it hurt. One bled and ever since then, it's hurt more and more to walk on that foot. I'm getting convinced they're broken or otherwise messed up. There are some other toe issues and it really hurts to walk, in general.

It's really affecting my ability to concentrate or even care about my job. And don't think for a second that I've been grading homework or lesson planning. I can't really get food; nothing can be refrigerated and nothing can be microwaved or baked. And fast food can be fairly cheap, but it adds up and I just can't stop bleeding money. I have no more clean socks. And I'm almost out of moisturizer and floss. That means a trip to Target, where I always spend too much. I'll have to put it on a credit card for certain, and that too is just adding up and up and up. Plus, my mom is coming in two weeks. Where will she stay? Will I still be living here? In the fucking DARK? How can I accurately prepare for the stress of December, and teaching in December, and traveling over the holidays, (shopping for presents is totally out of the question now, so I guess I don't have to worry about that)?

This afternoon when I finally got home for "good", I finally broke down and really cried. I just feel so desperate and confused and pissed off and sad and helpless and no one is or even can help. I don't know what to do! I haven't been able to SEE in my own house for over a WEEK!

I try to remind myself--because I've just gotten that far out there--that adversity and challenges only make us all stronger. But then I wail to myself, how does living without heat and with an unreasonable landlord help me develop character? What could I have possibly done to piss off the universe that it feels the need to retaliate to this extreme? There is NO END IN SIGHT of this ugly, stupid, nonsensical situation, and again, I just don't know what to do.