Sometimes I hate trying to teach my classes. I feel like I'm getting to the point of actually hating some of my students. Isn't that awful? I can't believe it, myself. But some of them are so fucking rude, disrespectful, insubordinate, sometimes even violent.
I have been sobbing for nearly forty-five minutes. I am literally shaking. I feel like I am very close to reaching the end of my rope. I am about at the point where I'm okay with shelling out a thousand bucks to reimburse the city (the "fine" you have to pay if you leave the Fellows program before it's over). This is ridiculous.
Here's the thing. Actually, there are several. Here goes:
--I have not been getting very much sleep. I also have not really been eating much. Those things are probably why I just don't feel like me, anymore. Over break, I felt much more normal, and like myself again. Now that I am trying to teach and plan, and deal with kids, and not eating or sleeping, I'm like some other, more unhappy person.
--I had a coverage (subbing for one period) today, like I do on many Wednesdays. I cannot tell you how much I despise doing coverages. I only cover 7th grade classes, and I DO hate them all. They are completely rude and disrespectful. They do not even pretend to make an effort.
--In Class A, my first one today, the Asshole, Little K, and several other students were throwing paper, talking, and getting out of their seats. Multiple times each. I told them they will have lunch detention tomorrow (because I had a goddamn coverage fourth period today), but they just kept on doing whatever the fuck they wanted. So at one point, I said, "[Asshole kid], stop talking." You know what he said? "Suck my dick." Oh no, you fucking didn't. I immediately walked to the phone and called the AP, and told him that that student had just said an obscene phrase to me. Guess what the AP said. "I'm in a meeting right now." I sent the kid out anyway, but he was back in the room five minutes later.
--In Class B, before I had even begun class, a fight broke out. A kid ran to get someone, I ran to the phone. Called AP--no answer! Called the dean--no answer! Just then the messenger arrived with one of the counselors, and he took them away.
--In all my classes, these jerkoff kids have moved the desks (meaning they actually undid the tape that I put around the legs of the desks!), removed the name tags, moved the name tags, 'mutilated' the name tags, and just generally disrespected the room and, in turn, me.
I started writing a letter about the asshole kid, but realized that I needed to actually type it out, so that I could make sure everything got in there. That kid has to not be in my room. I don't know how to phrase it without making me look like an asshole myself, but you know what? I've had enough. Someone pointed out that that is sexual harassment. Not only that, but that other incident, where he blocked me to the chalkboard? I'm done. No fucking more.
That Asshole, combined with the general fuckers that are my students, has me at the end of my rope. I can't even make them sit in their assigned fucking seats!
I realized that all of my "good" days have been flukes, because someone else was in the room for all of those. Not once has any class completely behaved for me. Obviously they are not doing their job, which is one thing. But clearly I am not able to do mine, either. That is problem for all involved.
I think I might take a Mental Health Day tomorrow. But then I would have to come back right away the next day, and it would then be Test Prep Friday, which is always the worst day of the goddamn week. I am so fucked.